I must admit that this writing is inspired by a cartoon I saw recently, and sadly I didn’t save it to give credit to the cartoonist. Whoever he or she is, there’s true brilliance. A group of people are standing on yoga mats looking at their cellphones, with the legend, Downward-Facing Humans.
Most yoga “positions” have colorful, very descriptive names, I’m guessing through a centuries-old evolution for purposes of enlightenment and patent protection. There are several major drawbacks to what is currently offered that I see, although many, many folks will swear to Yoga’s benefits. The first issue I see is that it requires one to wear snug-fitting work-out clothes, of which I own none and for very good reason – it’s a visual nobody needs. I have tested this theory over the years with my school classes when I from time to time appropriately used the phrase, “I’m on it like spandex”, to which several would attempt in vain to stifle reactions running the gamut from undisguised amusement to stunned disbelief. As one of my students, whose acerbic wit more than matched my own once said, “spandex is a privilege, not a right.” (That should be on any number of individual Coats-Of-Arms”, but I digress.) All seemed to be in agreement that it was definitely an image both difficult and time-consuming to remove. The second drawback is that it requires the participant to get down onto a small foam mat, usually placed on the floor. Once you start collecting Social Security, this is not an attractive proposition. So, in the spirit of preserving the restful and restorative properties of Yoga without the anxiety of actually doing it, here are my new and I think quite innovative positions taken from real life but given descriptive names for purposes of copyright and possible profit. Each has been quality-tested to remove the possibility of needed calls to 911 or the kind assistance of a Jaws-of-Life team. I notice that many “official” yoga terms incorporate the words, “downward”, which is most likely where I’d end up anyway, or “upward”. For me, they should have names like “Osprey Descending into a Heap.” In the event that any yoga studio actually uses my ideas, I will expect appropriate attribution and a cut of the take.
DOWNWARD ROCKING SNOOZE In this movement position, one needs to be in a comfortable chair that has legs attached to two curved runners (some call this a “rocking” chair, although I consider it my “yoga” chair, preferably in a sunny location. It starts out with the participant holding some reading material – a book, magazine, whatever one has handy. One pushes back slowing, allowing the chair to return to its natural upright position. Repeat as needed until a deep, inner peace in an unconscious state is achieved. I would advise the yoga participant to start with sessions of about 20 to 30 minutes, building up to an hour as stamina increases.
HORIZONTAL KITTY CURL This position imitates the natural position of cats in repose. As we humans don’t usually have tails, there’s no need to wrap anything around you. It’s best done, similarly to the Rocking Snooze, in a place that catches natural sunlight. A flat surface is required – a couch or a bed work well for me, although some find poolside or patio lounge chairs are equally suitable, as long as they have sufficient width for the participant to turn onto one’s side.
STATIONARY GAZE (The Deer) This position requires that the head be positioned with the chin up slightly allowing one to view a garden scene, incoming waves at the ocean (or, if at a lake, the distant shoreline). At regular intervals, the head should be rotated just a bit to the left, then back to its original position, then to the right. This increases both range of movement and visual impact, both sought-after results.
HORIZONTAL EXTENSION (Also known as “Water Buffalo at Rest”) This positon takes practice, and should always be done from a sitting position. The feet and legs are extended horizontally to an ottoman or hassock, allowing the body to come to rest in a position just past 90 degrees. Feet may be crossed, but the purist recommends that the feet should be “pointing to the sky”. Head position may be up or down at the discretion of the participant and the chair’s headrest. (Thus the distinction in instruction between “downward” and “upward” horizontal extension.) To prevent neck distortion or discomfort, an airplane pillow may be used to provide support. Some have suggested use of a recliner, but I warn against that as it’s difficult except with the best equipment to achieve full extension (and the chair tends to fall apart after repeated motion).
DOWNWARD GROCERY CART SWAN This typically requires that one is in a grocery store shopping, although it can be imitated through the use of an “air grocery cart” at home as long as nobody is watching. In this exercise, the participant grasps the handle delicately and then drapes his or her upper body over the rear portion of the cart at a 45 degree angle. The weight of the upper body should be concentrated on the back of the cart to the point where the front wheels are just barely touching the floor. This works really well for senior citizens, but can be replicated with younger people too. Using a slow motion glide step, the participant proceeds up the exact center of each isle, stopping at regular intervals to feign interest in what’s on the shelf. I should mention that “slow motion” is a technical movie term of which the reader may be unaware. For purposes of enlightenment here, it means that the speed of each step is reduced to the point where the casual observer can’t actually tell whether the foot is going forward or backward. Some participants prefer to use a shuffle step in which the foot doesn’t actually leave the floor, creating a soothing scuffing sound with forward motion. That latter motion will be henceforth designated DOWNWARD GROCERY CART TURTLE.
DOWNWARD COUNTER SWAN This is very similar to the Downward Grocery Cart, except that there is no forward motion. In some cases, it may be accompanied by a sudden backward motion by the person on the opposite side of the counter. Typically, one sees a line of other people behind the person assuming the Downward Counter Swan, using their own yoga exercises – the Upper Eye Roll, the Downward Fist, and Obscenity-Wrapped Deep Breathing.
SIDEWAYS BED PERCH This is particularly popular with and for seniors, and typically precedes their third trip to the bathroom during the night. It’s an interim step between sleep and vertical motion. Often there is a migration from fully unconscious to semi-consciousness, to the realization that the bladder is calling out from a state of anti-Zen. Movement from the perch to full elevation may be accompanied by a series of jet propulsions not unlike a NASA launch. Which leads us to . . . .
DESCENDING COMMODE CHAIR SQUAT One should always proceed slowly and deliberately when using, how to phrase it delicately, bathroom furnishings. The DESCENDING CHAIR is useful at all stages of development from early “potty” training through adulthood and beyond. The chamber pot in centuries past might be considered an early manifestation of functional Yoga. This is a conditioning for the lower body. Some have added the UPWARD RAPID ASCENT, for those situations when the seat was not put down by the previous occupant.
UPWARD EXTENSION FOR WINE GLASS This cardio exercise is designed primarily for building upper body strength, in counterpoint to the exercise described above. The right arm is extended fully to grasp a glass vessel. Then, the left if multiple glasses are required. Slowing the movement allows for muscles to expand and contract without cramping, and reduces the risk of spillage. In fact, professional sommeliers recommend that any exercises involving wine glasses should be slow and deliberate. For advanced participants, a separate exercise uses a swirling motion, first the right hand and wrist, followed by the left for balance builds relaxation in the hands, wrists, and lower arms, while simultaneously aerating and testing the wine quality as it descends in tears from the rim of the glass.
Unlike many television shows where viewers are advised, “don’t try this at home”, I encourage my readers to try these out under controlled settings and provide feedback. I don’t have an actual website for survey feedback as do the major drug store and hardware chains, so I’ll just assume that readers are receiving the full benefits. Should any new ideas and exercises take shape for profit, please remember that my commission is 20%.
I'm Thinking...No! 