Would you mind taking a survey about this blog? Just a quick . . . . oh, never mind. I’ll get back to it. Have you noticed lately that every bit of human interaction, corporate or individual, comes with a survey? I don’t think there’s ever been a time where consumer satisfaction and loyalty has disintegrated so much, yet we get so many opportunities to tell them about it. Is anyone listening, reading, or paying attention to anything we send them?
Our forests are again taking a hit. Stopping to purchase something at a drug store, a coffee shop, or a department store comes with a fourteen-foot register tape telling us how to “let them know how they’re doing”. Responding always seems to be a prize incentive, not that I’ve ever won. That should be on the survey: “How many times have you won a prize for wasting your time going on line to answer our surveys?” I could tell them to speed up the line simply by not having the cashier or clerk take a marker and circle the part where I offer feedback. It’s pretty straightforward. If something’s wrong, I’ll let them know. If things are great, I’ll come back again. Aren’t those conclusions rather obvious? I presume they’re somehow tracking stuff because they always ask for my zip code. Drug stores, mine in particular, invented the block-long register tape. Since they became one-stop shopping providing cosmetics, groceries, photo processing, and tire rotation in addition to picking up your prescriptions, they’re really, really eager to know how they’re doing. Somewhere in all the numbers, bar codes, Tetris puzzles, and email addresses, there’s a customer service evaluation request. Companies even give us “reward” cards, which we never have with us. The cashier faithfully plugs in my rewards number, accessed from my phone number, and then the price pops up – it’s exactly the same as it was before. What the heck? I can’t honestly remember getting some kind of reward – money subtracted, bells going off, balloons and confetti descending from the ceiling, a congratulatory handshake, for having this rewards card. So, “How are we doing?” If the prescription is what my doctor sent you, I take it and don’t die, you’ve done pretty well. Thanks so much. Give yourselves a pat on the back.
A large retailer in our area recently ended a policy of life-long returns. Their reasoning makes sense, particularly when they pointed out the considerable extent to which some consumers were abusing the system. Some were even buying their products at yard sales and then sending them back for replacement or refund. Most of us will be appalled by this behavior (and some will think, “Damn – why didn’t I think of that?”) There was a storm of protest, and when buyers were interviewed in the media, I thought – “Yes – you’re exactly the reason for the change. You took advantage of a good thing and spoiled it for everyone.” Consumers speak up in all the wrong places, so how much can or should we really rely on surveys?
Years ago, surveys were pretty much limited to elections and political candidates. Liberal polls phoned their liberal voters, and conservatives contacted their people. The results were reliably slanted, every voter thought theirs was the majority view, and everyone hung up the phone happy. Gradually, the survey people have taken over our lives. You notice a mistaken charge on your credit card or bank statement, call customer service and straighten it out. In a perfect world, we hear “The charge has been removed.” or “The money has been credited to your account.” Great. Well, not quite. There will be follow up emails asking “How did we do?” If you don’t respond, they keep sending more with increasing urgency, telling us how vital this information is to them, to the economy, and to national security. Ok, you fixed the problem. Thanks so much. Sometimes I expect a message – “Extreme Priority. If you don’t respond immediately, we’re putting you at the top of the list for the next breach.” Perhaps there should be a “Hackers Satisfaction Survey” after a major security “episode”. That could be in the news – “MaxCredit reports really high consumer satisfaction coming out of Siberia and other Central Asian locations this morning.” A storm is looming, so the power company goes into overdrive now, letting us know it’s coming with three advance recorded messages and to “be prepared”. (Some bottles of water and working flashlights – that’s the extent of my emergency prep.) Snow and ice take down a line, they come fix it, and the power is back on. Then come the surveys. They really shouldn’t poke that bear, because the next thing we know, there’s a state hearing on their response time. (Emergency Preparedness. That’s what they call it. When and who invented “preparedness”? What happened to Preparation?) Maybe the company CEO can wave a booklet of positive responses in front of the committee, saying, “All these customers thanked us. We did a great job. Two inches of snow and we had power restored in three to five business days.”
Coffee shops (at least the major chains) all want us to critically evaluate their performance. You did pour coffee into a cup and added cream, sweetener, whatever. Isn’t that really enough? Do we need to provide critical feedback on the pouring? The surveys are seldom about the actual quality of the coffee but more about the quality of the person behind the counter. It’s bad enough that you have a tip cup out for a $3 cup of decaf. It’s not like you served us a four course meal. If the barista did it right, got all or most of the coffee in the cup and added the requested flavor swirl, can’t we just pay up and call it a day?
The other folks that apparently didn’t get enough positive strokes as children are the insurance people. Mine sends me regular customer surveys, ironically right after the rates have increased a bit. Sort of a “You didn’t cost us money, but other people did, so we’re charging you a little bit more. By the way, how are we doing?” Great, I guess. You’re taking my money every month and I haven’t had to make a claim. Let’s circle back if I total my car. That’s one of those quirky businesses that we pay for not using. Credit cards give you cash back for making purchases. Insurance companies give a rebate for NOT burning your house down or smashing up your car. Life insurance is definitely not customer satisfaction-based. The older you get, the more you become a losing proposition. The premiums go up and the benefits go down. So, “How are we doing?” We will never live to complete the final survey. Interesting, no? But I digress.
I personally think that dictators should be forced to rely on public opinion polls. Let’s pose this survey coming from the North Korean government. “We know that most of you are starving, and you only get electricity for an hour a day, but how did you like that last parade? Did you see those rockets? Were you a) very impressed; b) moderately impressed; c) not terribly impressed; or d) don’t personally use ballistic missiles? African dictators that have been in office since 1964 should really have a undergo a survey to stay in office. Then those villagers would get some drinking water awfully fast.
So, if you wouldn’t mind taking a brief survey to let me know how I’m doing, because your readership is very important to me. In addition to being great, it’s vital to my corporate model and to homeland security. Our marketing team will be tracking each and every response. Are you favorably impressed with this blog? Is it too newsy? Too chock full of valuable insights? Does it strike just the right balance between brilliance and sustained entertainment value? Are you a) moderately interested; b) extremely interested; c) thinking it’s the best thing since Shakespeare; or d) on the edge of your seat waiting for the next posting? If you answered b, c, or d, I wonder if I might impose upon you to pass this recommendation on to 10,000 of your friends and relatives, or even some with whom you’re mildly acquainted and don’t care ever to see again. The advertising revenue hasn’t quite gushed in as I had hoped, and invitations to appear on television talk shows have been similarly disappointing.
I'm Thinking...No! 