In the latest installment of “making schools safer”, this just in. A school district in rural Pennsylvania is placing five-gallon buckets of stones in every classroom so that students could throw them at potential shooters. Betsy DeVos, reigning Secretary of Education could not have come up with a more effective and satisfying school defense plan. Maybe she could unveil the details in her next 60 Minutes interview.
The district superintendent was quoted, in print and on television, I might add, “throwing rocks is more effective than just crawling under desks and waiting.” So let me ask, as I stop beating my head against a wall, more effective for whom? As a side note, the plan calls for “river stones”, which are smoother and less likely to cause injury, perhaps? That would be different from, for example, generic landfill stones which could have jagged edges and hurt people? Is that the thinking here? I could suggest the next few headlines should this “safety plan” gain traction. “Dozens of students mowed down in a hail of rock fire.” “Multiple students enter concussion protocols after rock-throwing incident.” “History teacher’s re-creation of the Boston Massacre misfires, rocks thrown”. Every class could have a Designated Rock Thrower (DRT) – possibly identifying pitchers from the baseball and softball teams. “Joe, if we hear gunfire in the hallway, you and Tanya grab the bucket.” There can be advisory discussions on the benefits of throwing overhand or underhand – speed versus accuracy, grip, putting a nice tight spin on the rock, fast-rock versus sliders and curve-rocks. Of course common sense dictates that we’d need to adapt the rock sizes to the grade level – pebbles for Kindergarten, larger stones for middle school and high school students. Landscapers nationally should be gearing up for whole new vistas of potential for marketing and production as this cottage industry expands. I can see the bid specifications now, or the auditors coming across a purchase order for 800 pounds of rocks. Ironically, what was punishable on the playground in third grade now becomes a heroic marketable skill.
If many of us teachers thought keeping a loaded handgun in the top drawer was a hair-brained scheme, this latest notion truly defies logic and common sense. Every first and second year teacher working to develop effective classroom management needs a bucket of rocks ready and waiting somewhere in the room. So, if we’re serious about returning to primitive defenses typical of the Crusades, here are some additional measures I think schools might well consider:
*Cauldrons of boiling oil or tar could be installed on the roof overlooking every school entrance. Let’s take the shooters out early, before they even get in the door. This has definite potential, although it’s possible the oil brigades could take out a few parents picking up their children for dentist appointments before we really get the hang of this technique, and some would argue there may be health hazards to building bonfires on school roofs to heat the oil, but it’s a small price to pay for keeping our schools safe. If that doesn’t seem feasible, we might also consider building moats and installing drawbridges around every school building. In warmer climates, alligators could provide an extra layer of security. There could well be issues with traffic flow to and from parking lots – visitor parking might be a problem, but again, let’s think big here, people.
*Each stairwell could be equipped with crossbows, with students thoroughly trained to use them. How heroic would those headlines be? “School shooter falls in a hail of arrows – security officer behind pillar unharmed” and “Like a scene from Robin Hood”. Every student could be issued a shield that they carry from class to class, the school logo emblazoned on it. (Another marketing triumph and potential business opportunity springs up.) The students in tights are the designated archers. Did I even need to say that?
*School administrators, office personnel, and the entire Guidance Department could be fully equipped with swords, spears, and daggers. These critical school first responders, in the event of an emergency, could wade out into the crowds prepared for hand-to-hand combat if necessary. My personal recommendation is that they be issued bandanas to complete the look. Federal grants for professional development could be directed toward swordsmanship and fencing. Now, I know that some wishy-washy naysayers will argue that “someone could get hurt”. Of course they could. That’s the whole point of fighting back. There will always be collateral damage, but to quote that great inspirational leader, Rambo, or maybe it was a football coach, “no guts, no glory”, – words to that effect.
So, perhaps this humble, unassuming school superintendent, coming up with this brilliant, bucket-of-rocks defense, this visionary should be leading our national “safe schools” initiative. Here’s a man of our times, if the times happen to be around the Normandy invasion. William Tell and The Chronicles of Narnia could be inserted into every school curriculum, not as literature but as defense training. In a follow-up because our intent here is to inform as well as entertain, the superintendent has reported that school security has been stepped up, notably because of the publicity surrounding his school defense plans. He’s adding armed guards to the corps of rock throwers. It appears that he’s been on the receiving end of considerable criticism on social media. Really? What’s with these people? First they oppose the Great Wall of Mexico and now this.
I make light of a serious subject, and it is one of the most serious of our time. The problems of school violence and school safety (along with safety for the general population) should be at the top of any thinking person’s agenda. It’s a complex problem requiring complex, thoughtful solutions and counter-measures. But one always must think through the unintended consequences of any action too, and the plain truth is that the unintended consequence of having bucket loads of hard trajectory objects in our classrooms is far more likely to produce serious personal injury and liability than a possible school invasion. It just doesn’t somehow appear to be a well thought out, practical answer. Maybe it’s me, but I’m thinking . . . . .NO!!.
I'm Thinking...No! 