So, what is the deal lately with all the commercials for medications? They hit the airwaves like hailstones in a storm. They’re four page centerfolds in every magazine. Ads for medical treatments. The pharmaceutical industry isn’t making enough money, they now need to hit us with each new product that will repair every organ of the body? Are people now able to storm into their doctor’s office and say, “Put me on this – I saw it on tv, and the results are amazing. If I do have suicidal thoughts or a two-week erection, my attorney will be in touch.”
What started as a cottage industry – a start-up in a warehouse with six people inventing disease names or conditions, has taken over by big pharma, developing treatments for them. Not only do we have new syndromes that we can’t even pronounce (but there are initials for them to make it easier), there’s a medical treatment for it. All we have to do is “ask our doctor”. This is not to say that I’m not very grateful for the huge advances in the medical sciences over the years. Researchers are doing unbelievable work to recognize and treat pain and suffering. It’s just that advertising has taken things to a level I didn’t want to know. Apparently many of my internal organs are either overactive or underactive, and some may have been that way for a while now (chronic). Remember the days when “inflammatory” meant either some crazy person on a street corner or gasoline?
Back to commercials that we all enjoy at dinner time. I counted, and there were four commercials for various prescription medicines last night just during the national news – a half hour broadcast – and that didn’t count additional ads for aspirin and a remedy for acid reflux. One particularly tender ad coming to mind features a cancer survivor telling her story. Just off screen, there is the family looking all warm and smiley. They come out at the end to embrace the sufferer in a most touching manner. Before we shed a supportive tear, however, there’s a scroll at the bottom informing us all that this is an actor, not the real survivor. And that’s a fake family with fake hugs, putting fake hands on fake shoulders. Couldn’t you at least get real people suffering real . . . .oh wait, you did. These are anti-smoking people, whose message is dramatic and powerful. I fully support them and their message, but do we need to see the guy taking out his teeth (that’s the point where my delicate insides begin a series of forward rolls), or the lady hooked up to vast equipment and speaking to us through her esophagus? My appetite for meatloaf has headed south Really, programmers, could you time this a little better? We’re watching “Wheel of Fortune”, for heaven sake. Between 5:30 and 8 PM, we should not see 1) people with digestive track issues or overactive bladders, 2) products for pet clean up, 3) anything that requires bleach, and 4) medications with impressive lists of side effects. Speaking of that last one, I know that the pharmaceutical industry has to disclose all those possible issues resulting from taking it, but come on, people. We’re seeing a happy couple drifting down the beach or walking peacefully in the woods while the voice-over tells us, “some patients have experienced fingers dropping off and toes shriveling. If this happens, stop using . . . . and call your doctor immediately.” How do I dial the phone? My toes were my backup plan. I suppose I could open a window and yell. I think I’ll pretty much stick to aspirin, thank you very much.
I strongly suspect that many people, in fact some quite close to me, will be struck down with these new ailments just by the power of suggestion. We have one friend on whose tombstone I’ve promised to inscribe, “I told you I was sick”. Her nickname, among others, is ‘WCS”, short for Worst Case Scenario. She’s constantly looking up her medical issues online, envisioning all of the most persistent, most pervasive, traumatic possibilities. She’ll be the first patient to be diagnosed with “terminal symptoms”. Just watching all of these commercials stimulates her overactive imagination. There must be others too that, seeing this incredible new buffet of diseases, conditions, and syndromes who are thinking, “I probably have that.” These are the folks that are tying up our doctor’s offices and medical facilities. Ever wonder why you’re still in the waiting room 45 minutes past the appointment time? “The doctor got tied up” is what we’re told. In reality, there’s somebody in with the doctor asking about something he or she saw in an ad during “Jeopardy” last night. She would really like to take “Napachardonayamin” for a test drive, disregarding the tag line of every commercial, “this may not be for you.” Every doctor in America should have that inscription on a gigantic poster in his or her office, while patiently trying to explain why it won’t play nicely with the other sixteen medications she’s already taking because she saw the ads on tv.
So, here’s my thought for what it’s worth. Pharmaceutical companies, you just keep on with these wonderful new things you’re working on. Give them catchy, seductive names like “Bellyachium” or “Urinesque” if you must. (As a side note, I’m willing to lend my name to a condition, for a suitably large fee. Night leg cramps will henceforth be known as “Walters Syndrome”. It can be safely treated with new “Spasmosa”. Ask your doctor about it.) But all your ads must be on channels showing continuous reruns of “The Rifleman” or “Gunsmoke”. 4 to 7 AM will be YOUR prime time – and absolutely nothing during mealtimes. Magazine ads will be allowed only in publications like “Retirement Without Purpose”, “Semiactive Old People”, “Watch Those Stairs”, and possibly “Log Cabin World”, where I’ll never see it.
I'm Thinking...No! 