Just heard someone on television, a young lady who had to complete a task with which she was unfamiliar, state that she was “freaking out.” Is that really the case? We hear this phrase often, particularly from teenagers and young people when their anxiety levels are slightly elevated. So, as a public service, something for which this blog is renowned, I’m laying out guidelines here for when and when not to “freak out.”
When some fellow passenger tries to board a plane with an “anxiety peacock” and you’re terrified of birds, particularly in confined spaces as I am, then yes, you may consider that a FO moment, or at least you have tacit approval to provide some degree of negative drama. Food for thought, though. Remaining calm and notifying the airline that you’re an attorney, and should the bird actually board the plane, this multimillion dollar lawsuit pretty much writes itself, might be an effective alternative. A final option might be to wait until the peacock takes its seat, then choose an appropriate time after the creature fans out its plumage. Calmly walk back to the bird’s seat, wring it neck in a swift and decisive movement of the wrists, and hand out the decorative feathers to the other passengers as a souvenir of the flight. Just so everyone knows, an anxiety peacock is not, nor should it be, a real “thing.” Certain animals do not lend themselves to creating a calming atmosphere. Bengal tigers and grizzly bears, for example, aren’t known for their abilities to relieve stress in humans. General rule, and you heard it here first: Any animal typically found in the wild that might conceivably relieve anxiety in certain rather peculiar individuals but generates a high degree of stress for the rest of us can’t be considered an “anxiety” pet. Large birds are not generally known for their stable dispositions, mainly because even the largest ones have brains the size of a peppercorn. Can’t you just imagine how calmly that peacock with claws the size of a tennis racket will react to the first bit of turbulence? There is a family of wild turkeys living behind our house. They and I maintain a respectful distance. The stress relief for most the above mentioned wild animals,along with others we could name like large snakes and reptiles only comes when they’re having the subdued humans for lunch. I make a recommendation here to all of the major airlines that when they allow “anxiety pets” other than dogs and cats on a flight, they should also be required by law to hand out tranquilizer darts to everyone else on the plane. (These could also be used on the guy in the third row on his fifth vodka gimlet and becoming surly. However, I digress.)
If you are a superstar, a supermodel, star athlete, or someone just picked up for running a Ponzi scheme and you find yourself surrounded by paparazzi, not a time to “freak out.” Just smile pleasantly and keep your mouth closed. Anything you say or do will be used against you. That photo of you kicking a stone wall or strangling a small tree will not reflect well on your character, although it could set up an insanity plea in court later. Not the time to show what you can do with a baseball bat. Contrary to the beliefs held by some, acts of undue force and aggression toward others are not noble, and are still considered unacceptable in advanced civilizations such as ours. That YouTube video of you, eyes bulging, screaming hysterically about being disrespected isn’t something your public relations people really want to see. There was a video clip a short time ago (on national news, no less) of a person that apparently had been wronged by a fellow driver – it wasn’t entirely clear what the other driver had done. This man sprang from his car, ax in hand, and began whacking at the offending vehicle. I guess you could call this a “freak out”, although it seemed to go several notches beyond that. Unfortunately for this man, someone with a cell phone had a wonderful overhead view to record the incident. This guy needs an institution that will sedate him heavily as he integrates into an anger management program. Maybe that’s what we need – progressive degrees of anger management. For example, a novice program for the yellers and screamers, a more advanced course for people that throw things, and an extreme level including restraints and stun guns for ax man and those like him.
So, here are other situations in which you find yourself clearly in need of guidelines to distinguish between “freak out” and “non-freak out”. You’re on a plane and the “secure seatbelts” sign comes on. The pilot announces turbulence ahead. That’s annoying, but not quite yet a reason to go into full panic mode. Later in the flight, you’re over the Pacific Ocean and you see puffs of smoke coming from the engines, followed by a demonstration by the flight attendants of the proper use of flotation devices. You look out the window and see fish swimming by. That’s a “freak out” moment. Or, you’re at the zoo on a pleasant outing when over the public address system, a voice (from a secure location) announces that three lions have escaped their cages. They will tell you to proceed calmly to the nearest exit. I’m thinking . . . . . . no. Running and screaming, a full scale “freak out”, would be appropriate here. Of course, we’ve seen episodes where people freak out after climbing into cages with wild animals, something the zoos take great pains to tell everyone not to do that. Perhaps you’ve seen the video clip of the family in a wild animal preserve that got out of their car to get a closer look at the big cats? Or the drunk guy taking on alligators? Apparently, we just can’t undo “stupid”.
You’re at a sporting event and, returning to your seat someone bumps into you and you spill some beer. I know, I know, it is beer, which makes it a felony. But still, restraint is called for here, not freaking out. An icy stare should suffice, particularly if the offender appears to be contrite – no need for physical violence. If your nachos go down, that’s up a level because it’s now a food felony – a terse comment coupled with a look of supreme disapproval will do the trick. Just remember that the phrase, “he started it”, didn’t work particularly well in third grade, and will be even less effective when you’re an adult dealing with Stadium Security. Don’t even bother, because again there will be someone close at hand with a cellphone and you’ll find yourself on the internet with more “dislikes” than you can count. Your family will state publicly that you’re not related. Your friends will stop calling, will change their email addresses, and ultimately will unfriend you on Facebook by the hundreds. Your children will walk to school, or worse, take the school bus.
So, my message here is that anger is overrated. Save your fits and only raise your blood pressure when it’s truly needed and will get maximum . . . . . . . . oh,oh. The power just surged and the computer blinked . . . oh, no, no, no, no. I’ll have to rewrite this whole blog from . . . . there it goes again. Oh, God! I’m freaking out . . . . .
I'm Thinking...No! 