Every day, you read about someone that has saved half their grocery bill using coupons, or the friendly couple on tv that eat out every night for next to nothing with the coupons they’ve found. Some people use their coupon savings to purchase a vacation home at the beach. They buy designer clothes at major outlets for what similar shoppers pay in a thrift shop. So, why doesn’t that work out for me?
My wife clipped a coupon to a place we’ve gone for breakfast. Half off – one entrée for free when you buy two. Won’t say what the chain is. Let’s just say that pancakes are their specialty. To paint the full picture, this was a chance for this place to redeem themselves. We’d been there before. In fact, Labor Day, when it was moderately busy but not standing room only or an hour wait. We were seated promptly. That was pretty much their last act of promptness. We waited, and we waited, and we waited for someone to take our order. Finally, the young lady that was obviously in training came and got us something to drink – coffee for me, water for my wife. More waiting for orders to be taken. Meanwhile, of course, people that had come in long after us had their orders in and their breakfasts were pouring forth from the kitchen. I finally asked another waitress who was supposed to be our server. She went to find out and never came back. This was awkward, as she was serving the tables right behind us, and had to repeatedly walk right by us. It took us an hour and a half to have breakfast. I expected they’d be paying us for coming, but no. No compensation was offered or forthcoming.
So, now back to the coupons. In we go, expecting significant savings. My wife had her fall favorite – pumpkin pancakes with a side of something. Most likely corned beef hash. I had one of the combo specials. Now you know that, when they offer “buy one, get one free”, that they’ll comp the lower priced one. No surprise there. It usually says that on the coupon in teeny, tiny print that you can see plainly under a microscope. Anyway, we have our breakfast – served not swiftly, but better than the Labor Day fiasco. The bill arrives. I proudly present my coupon, expecting that the bill will be next to nothing. Wrong. The server points out that, again in miniscule print, “two entrees and two drinks” must be purchased. My wife’s water didn’t count as a beverage purchase. Of course not. So, she orders a coffee, which she won’t drink because she doesn’t particularly like coffee. So, bottom line is that we’re now paying $2.89 for the second coffee, and they subtract the cost of her pancakes only, $4.99 – the corned beef hash is a “side” and doesn’t count as part of the entrée. Major bonanza. We’ve saved a whopping $2.10. I know what you’re thinking. That’s better than nothing, and money off is money off. So our breakfast tab plummeted from $23 to $21. I guess we won’t be paying the electric bill this month on our “dining out” windfall.
Some people do miraculous things with coupons. I’m usually the one behind them in the cashier line. Folks come in with a wad of coupons at the drug store. They’re getting $5 off hair spray, $4 off toothpaste, 40% off everything when that’s done. One lady really impressed me. She saved almost $30 on $50 worth of purchases. And that was after several coupons were rejected by the register. The checkout machinery is very fussy. This one said, in a pleasant voice, “coupon expired”. In the near future, we’ll get one that says “This is expired, you fool. Please check it before you get in line so you don’t waste my time.” That same pleasant voice, by the way, is the same one telling me my lottery ticket “is not a winner”. It’s not enough that the cashier points it out to me – the machine has to triumphantly announce it too.
I don’t know what it is about coupons that make us giddy at the thought of savings. There’s a home accessories chain that has very impressive coupons. They’re big and bold – announcing 20% off in a font that takes your breath away. Then, in tiny print beneath it, “on one item”. I marched up to the counter one day with some new bathroom towels we were buying and a cover for the kitchen mixer. With my 20%, I saved a truly amazing 80 cents on a hand towel. We clip coupons out for stuff we don’t even use or like. That shampoo makes my skin break out, but I can save $1.50. Neither of us uses skin care products, but at these prices, they’re practically giving them to us. Most of the coupons are for name brand items. I can save $2 on the name brand dish detergent, which is only $4 more than the generic store brand. They pretty much do the same thing, although the name brand is like a skin lotion for my hands. It’s like the sale flyers. I see people pouring over them in the grocery store as if the store is giving away free stuff. Didn’t they make a list, clip their coupons at home, and plan their shopping carefully like I do? The latest trend in coupons is bulk savings. They dramatically announce $2 off on cereal. Great, except you need to buy 4 boxes. Right next to it, or below it, is a coupon for 25 cents if you’re only buying one, which unless you have twelve children, you typically are.
Every so often the person in front of me has a coupon that they printed from their computer. That, in some cases, is disallowed, for whatever reason. Perhaps these customers are operating a home printing press and receiving thousands in discounts, draining corporate profits and causing a dip in the Dow Jones average. No, that isn’t an official, honest-to-gosh “printed” coupon. It’s the coupon equivalent of a fake driver’s license. Oh, some of these folks will fight it – the manager comes over, a discussion and debate ensues (“but the online coupon people assured me I could print this – why would they lie?”), my ice cream is melting, you get the picture.
Part of my problem with coupons, is that often, in a burst of ingenuity, I cut out a bunch of them, with absolutely the best of intentions and dreams of vast savings. Most are lost along the way. I put them safely in a kitchen drawer, where they stay comfortably for six months or so, well past the expiration date. At one point, I devised a brilliant system. I’ll put them in an envelope, and put the envelope in the side pocket of the car door. That way, they will handy and at the ready. Except that I get out, gather up my reusable bags (of which I have many for every supermarket in a ten-mile radius) and head in, completely forgetting to check the coupon envelope. I’ve even put coupons in my pocket and still forgotten to get them out at check-out. So I put them back into my coupon envelope until next time, when they’re three days past due. You’d think that when I see someone ahead of me in line using a fistful of coupons, it would trigger something in my tiny brain to reach into my pocket, but no. I’m too afraid that the winning lottery ticket I bought on the way in will fall out and the person behind me will, in a few days, be on tv vacationing in Belize, telling the viewers how she “found the winning ticket on the floor at the grocery store.” Wait, I know that lady. I gave her my stamps for that floral china we’re not saving because it clashes horribly with our placemats. No, no, hold on. It was the game pieces for Grocery Monopoly that I’m not saving because I put the game card in the envelope in the car and it fell out in the parking lot when I was getting out my coupons.
I'm Thinking...No! 