Ah, the season has officially begun. Up to now, the catalogs came in a steady stream – maybe five or six a day from companies I’ve never heard of. Today, however, is opening day of the catalog playoffs. It’s kind of like the league playoffs in baseball, except more intense. Twenty-one came in today, all jammed somehow into a six-inch square mailbox. I know, I’m not sure how that happens either. Totally defies the laws of physics. All I know is that somewhere in the world glossy trees are dying needlessly to provide us with information we can’t begin to absorb. Gone too soon.
Today was a mix of categories. Remember the days when Sears and Montgomery Ward sent a book the size of the Gutenberg Bible that included anything and everything you could possibly want. They had underwear, refrigerators, work boots, and Lincoln logs. Legend has it that there was a time you could order a house from Sears, and different styles were in the catalog. That must have been when old Roebuck was around. Now, we have “boutique” catalogs – specialty items that we can’t live without, like printed T-shirts with cute sayings like “You are expecting greatness, and here I am!”. These selections feature all kinds of clothes from the lesser, lesser designers working from their basements. Ball gowns in leopard prints with matching capes. You know the ones. Their website was designed by a group of high schoolers in Idaho. Their corporate offices are in the Maldives, but they have a post office box in Iowa where you can reach them day and night. When Customer Service follows up, it’s from a number that leaves call ID speechless.
Perusing today’s arrivals, I was struck by something interesting. Two catalogs – one sporting a gardening supply emblem, and another, a gift catalog, were virtually identical. The gardening one caught my eye because, well, I garden. It was not really something that Farmer Brown would enjoy, though. No seeds or fertilizer, and the garden tools all come in monogrammed pocket bags. It consisted primarily of blooming bulbs in decorative tubs and planters. These are all the ones that take about four months to sprint from the soil, look absolutely stunning for four or five days, then you cut them all back and say numerous prayers that they’ll grow again. They have about as much chance as the tulips in my front yard. These lovely bulbs are selling for about fifty bucks a pop. HINT: you can buy the same things at Home Depot for a fraction of that. The difference must be those faux plastic containers with the Xmassy plaid ribbons. Those decorative tubs come all the way from China, which adds significantly to the cost. So, here I am, with two virtually identical catalogs, different covers, and different locations. I think some of these companies operate out of corporate motor homes. Their call center uses flip phones.
One catalog really caught my eye. Its theme is Western Americana, with liberal splashes of Kincaid artwork. In fact, they even have several pages of a Kincaid / Disney mix. Mickey is sitting on a turn-of-the-century front porch in front of glowing windows. The Little Mermaid is swimming up to a Victorian, candle-lit manse. Those, by the way, can be purchased on elegant throws for one’s sofa. Can’t you just see the Property Brothers using those in one of their make-overs? I did think it would be hilarious to send them this catalog, though I wouldn’t be there to see their reactions. I can see Jonathan turning pale and running from the house. This company also sells beautiful decorative sculptures. I pointed out a couple to my wife. She went all “thumbs down”, giving me what I call her “school principal” look, on a “Prime of Life Moose” (I kid you not – that’s the way it was described in the catalog) and another featuring a Grizzly Bear paw. Now, those just will look smashing anywhere in your house. Apparently, wolf and fox cubs are also big in the circles to which this company markets. In the unlikely event that we decide to move to a wilderness lodge, this catalog will come in mighty handy, Bucko.
There are topical themed catalogs. For example, we get one from a supplier “of counsel”. Susan bought something for our nephew, an attorney, on line there many years ago, and we continue to get their features. A nice assortment of frames for diplomas, gavels, the Scales of Justice, and legal statuary. Not too many T-shirts with lawyer jokes on them, though. It must not fashionable in the legal community to make jokes about attorneys. That’s on rest of us. We also get a horse-themed catalog because, again, Susan bought a gift for someone from a website, and the catalogs are the gifts that keep on giving. We don’t do a lot of shopping from this place. A throw over a chair in the living room with a large horse face staring out at me can be terrifying should I wake during the night. And truth be told, I hung up my spurs many years ago. While similar to the Wild West catalog, it’s much more horsey-specific. It’s also a great source of cowboy hats and boots, which we Easterners tend not to wear so much. I did see a man in the grocery store though, a while ago wearing one. Must be a misplaced Texan that took a wrong turn in Missouri.
Rounding out the pile are knick-knack catalogs. Right now, they have Thanksgiving and lots and lots of Christmas decorations. I always flip through them thinking, “Oh, that’s nice. Would look pretty on the mantel.” Then I remember that we have crates of things we thought would look pretty on the mantel sitting in the basement. That’s because we have dozens of decorations and just the one mantel. One item, or actually several in different sizes that could be clustered, was very nice – a clear crystal Christmas Tree. Simple, elegant, $240. Those won’t be gracing our home any time soon unless I win the lottery. No, not even then. The big items lately for Christmas are pre-lit bits of greenery. Wreaths, swags, ropes, pine cones, mini-trees. They all sparkle out at you, making the holiday season so much brighter for the electric company. Some wreaths are battery operated. How does that work? I figure they would need to be replaced daily, unless you only light them up for a half hour or so. Should we buy AA’s by the case, or just have them shipped from the factory?
For the veteran catalog collector, be advised that things taper off after the holidays. Many will be replaced by store fliers for sheets and kitchen appliances, all of which go on sale in January. That will continue until cars go on sale in February, then summer swimwear arrives. If you haven’t seen my writings on the marketing seasons, you might want to refer back. Please don’t feel, however, that the catalog producers are ignoring you. They’ll be sending out catalogs with joyful abandon again by the box load in April and May, when you’ll get everything for the great outdoors – colorful cushions, patio furniture, more for the garden, deck umbrellas, lawn ornaments, gates and fences, and lots of other useful stuff. Coinciding with this will be alerts from environmental activists that once again, glossy trees are disappearing from the landscape at alarming rates.
I'm Thinking...No! 