Tech II – Accosted by Engineering

Having bought a new printer recently, I’m at a new experience, attempting to print mailing envelopes.  My old printer did this fairly easily.  It smudged its way through. This one, not so much.  You may have inferred from previous writings that I’m not particularly comfortable in the world of technology, having butt-dialed home about 15 times in rapid succession one day from the grocery store without meaning to or even realizing it.  I was having coffee with some friends a few days ago, and one commented that he missed his old flip phone.  I smiled sympathetically.  I totally get it.  All new electronic devices should have a “moron” or “two steps above plant life” setting for people like me, and this setting should be activated by the sales staff before we walk away.

So, here I am, confronted by the new printer.  It has two paper cassettes – the lower one is BIG, so  that, as we all know, is for paper.  So far, so good.  The second one is smaller, so I’m thinking – photos and envelopes.  I load in the envelopes and press “print”.  It does, on the paper from the lower cassette.  Ok, then.  Be that way.  I use my best deductive reasoning then and pull out the paper, put an envelope in the ground floor, adjust those handy little sliders so the envelope fits nicely, and try again.  Great, except that all you can see is the return address on the bottom of the envelope. It’s still thinking “full size paper”. Now I go back to the upper level, the balcony, and insert an envelope but don’t replace the paper in the lobby. Aha – I’m truly brilliant – until it tells me “out of paper – reload and press OK” and starts blinking at me.

Not being a complete Neanderthal, I go to the instructions.  This, I will admit, is typically my fallback plan, not my first course of action.  I have been provided with a “Quick Guide”. It really isn’t that quick because it’s in sixteen most commonly used languages.  In English, which is my first language, there are sections on scanning, which of course I’m not doing, mobile printing, should I wish to print from my back deck, and connection to home base, as presumably the we should always stay in touch with the manufacturer.  Nothing here about envelopes.  There is, however, a lengthy section on the company’s Declaration of Conformity (I have no idea either) and the unit’s limited warranty.  All good to know, thanks so much.

Now, I’m off to the manufacturer’s website.  Surely this will answer all my questions clearly and concisely.  Nay, nay.  This was written by many of same people that came up with new tax code.  First, I tried the “contact us” option.  To do that, I had to provide a birth certificate and driver’s license.  Actually, no, not quite that bad.  However, I went to a draw-down menu in which I had to diagram three levels of my problem. When I attempted to cleverly bypass that bit, it lit up all red, you know the way it does when you don’t answer something really important, like your grandmother’s maiden name.  So that stopped me dead in my tracks.

Ok, then, let’s go to the User Guide.  This is much more comprehensive – it’s about 500 pages of completely overwhelming detail and way more information than I’ll ever need.  There are sections titled “Using AirPrint” (something like “air guitar”?) and Google Cloud Print.  One was “Fire OS”.  Isn’t that dangerous?  Not to be used out west, that’s for sure.  On the bottom of page seventy-something, I spotted a section on “paper types”.  Ah, here we go.  Did you know there are like, thirty types of paper?  At the very bottom, I spotted it.  Envelopes.  Here we go. This is it.  I am triumphant.  I felt like Alexander the Great in Mesopotamia.  I press a special button that looks like a garage.  That takes me to “settings”.  Then on to “paper source”.  I’m flying like a bird.  Next up is “paper size”.  Whoa, this is so easy.  No, there’s nothing the size of an envelope.  I can print a 3 X 5 or a 4 X 6, but no envelopes.  I keep pressing buttons in no particular order now, my blood pressure rising steadily.  Nothing. Then that creeping panic sets in. Have I messed up all the regular settings, and now I can’t print anything on standard paper?  Am I going to be on extra heavy, glossy, decorative border forever?  Am I never to seen clean printed sheets on the semi-bright white paper I bought at the dollar store?

Several days ago, I was at a meeting where a couple of engineers (and yes, these are indeed scary people) were discussing lighting needs for our trash area.  My eyes glazed over after about 15 minutes of technical stuff – bulb capacity, megawatts, LED, height and angle. These are the same gentlemen that gave advice on our surveillance cameras, again in minute detail.  I know that “resolution” has something to do with how clear the picture is, but after that, I’ll take your word for it – just leave me alone.  I’m always amused when engineers give me the “short” version.  I’m not, of course, a person of few words.  But these explanations come by way of Dallas and Cincinnati.   We had a new thermostat installed recently with a new furnace.  The installers laughed at me.  They wanted to put in one that I could control from my iPhone, iPad, and remote satellite with access to the internet.  Really? I’d come home to a blazing inferno. “Just the up or down, please”, I told him. Apparently, these same minded people are writing “User Guides” for the rest of us.  No detail is too insignificant.  More is better, and if you can throw in technical jargon and obscure terms, well, that’s just a bonus.

Here I sit, contemplating writing out about 50 envelopes by hand, because I’m no closer to printing them than Donald Trump is to draining the swamp.  My goal is illusive – it’s sitting just over the horizon.  When it comes to technology – new ideas, innovations way beyond my capabilities, I’m thinking . . . . . oh, just great!