A recent comic strip, having to do with prayer in the midst of a computer crash, provided inspiration and guidance for this writing. It implied that there is no “patron saint” of technology. It therefore seems truly fitting that new patron saints be appointed or designated to handle changes in society and culture, while others, whose spheres of influence may have subsided over the years. Not that we want to “vote them off the island”, Survivor-style, as that seems rather harsh, particularly as they are saints. For example, St. Benedict is the patron saint of poison sufferers. Benedict was probably a nice guy and was very busy during the Borgia pontificates, but possibly is less so now with the ease of concealed firearms. Also unbusy is St. Lazarus, the patron saint of leprosy, or St. Anthony of Egypt, the patron saint of gravediggers. Not much call to poor Anthony in the backhoe era. At the very least, it’s time for an update. We need to have a chain of command so that we don’t place all of the prayer responsibility on the tried-and-true patrons and patronesses of the past. Here are my recommendations. I know some will argue that a few of these appear to be made up. Not so, as I’m able to relate a number of histories buried deep in the Vatican archives that lend support to their respective causes, while others have been freshly cited on the internet and on Fox News. How much more substantial can you get?
Saint Macrobia of Siliconis– patron saint of technology. This is really the head saint for comprehensive technology and understanding. He will of course arbitrate in cases of hacking and internet mischief, as well as oversee the work of his assistant,
Saint Gigabitus– patron saint of computer crashes and spiritual tech support. This is really our “saint in the Clouds” as it were, lending support and assistance when the system goes down or we’re waiting for an inordinate amount of time for the search engine to do its thing.
Saint Liberterius– patron saint of self-driving cars and insurance. This is the saint to whom engineers and all auto makers pray, particularly Tesla. Liberterius will also be the saint to whom you pray when the traffic light stays red for an eternity, or you bash into the car ahead of you because the light turned yellow and they decided to stop.
Saint Suburbiana of Topeka– patron saint of public transportation. Surburbiana traveled extensively, starting in Topeka, and from there worked his way to Emporia. While there, he reportedly dabbled in discount retail, becoming a close friend of Montgomery Ward, and turned his hand to, and interested investors in the first mule-powered public transit system. He ended his career in Leavenworth. He also became patron saint of corrections, of which he was not terribly proud, so it has not been included here.
Saint Donaldo– patron saint of egomaniacs, dictators, the power-hungry, and cheeseburgers. First recognized during the Inquisition, St. Donaldo fully emerged during the Napoleonic era, during the reigns of Popes Euthanasia I and II, whose reigns were quite short. It is rumored that he provided Benito Mussolini with inspiration and guidance in those all-to-brief periods when he was seeking repose. His spiritual oversight of cheeseburgers is a recent addition, although there appears little substance to the rumor that several fast food chains had sought tax exempt status as houses of worship.
Saint Chocolato– patron saint of desserts, baked goods, and hot beverages. A suggestion from contestants on baking shows on both sides of the Atlantic, St. Chocolato represents a vast prayer constituency. He will be called upon particularly as technical bakes and “show stoppers” fall apart. His coat-of-arms includes coco beans tincture on an escutcheon of marshmallow, with the legend, “Mocha, Macchiato, Eternum”.
Saints Iphonium and Galaxicus– patron and patroness of texting and apps. These patrons will provide spiritual healing in times of network failure and lack of connectivity, and will watch over those that stop in the middle of the street or step into traffic while texting or ordering coffee ahead. (Also, see St. Starbuckia)
Saints Overdrawlis and Citibancus– patron saints of banking and finance. Saint Overdrawlis was a member of the Knights Templar, and arranged funding for popes and kings alike. In fact, the home equity loan, developed for castles and manors, is often ascribed to his influence. In a little-known piece of history, moats and drawbridges were originally devised to prevent mortgage holders and collectors rather than invading armies from gaining entrance. Since the financial meltdown of 2008, when prayer became so pervasive once again among financial institutions, statues of these patrons have been commissioned to reside in a special place of honor on Wall Street.
Saint Frigidairus of Amana– patron saint of household appliances. Frigidairus can be seen in medieval tapestries working at his mother’s side next to a wringer washing machine. His feast month will be February, leading up to grand celebrations by all the major retailers on Presidents’ Day weekend.
Saints Starbuckia and Keuriginam– patron and patroness of coffee, coffee shops, and baristas. This patron and patroness combination can offer spiritual inspiration in times of trial, when you arrive at a coffee shop and your order isn’t ready, they’ve run out of your favorite flavor, too much whipped cream, or a seasonal blend is no longer available.
Saint Avocadoa– patroness of healthy foods, fitness, and dieting. St. Avocadoa, often credited as inventor and an early proponent of avocado toast, has been known to relieve stress when one trips and twists an ankle coming out of a yoga studio, and has provided spiritual relief when the new air fryer isn’t working.
Saint Frenemia– patroness of social media. Frenemia began in life posting inspirational messages in the 19thCentury on an Apple IIe from a simple cottage in Mudflapistan, and in sainthood has expanded her role to include protections against Facebook rants, unflattering selfies, and way too many cat posts.
Saint Wallendamus– patron saint of hysteria and paranoia. Wallendamus was well known in the 1600’s for his pilgrimages to the Wailing Wall, Hadrian’s Wall, and the Great Wall of China. Often referred to as the “Henny Penny” of the religious world, his spirit has been largely unseen since the 1950’s, but in sainthood, St. Wallendamus has made a surging comeback in this century. There have even been reports of spiritual sightings of his visage in the southwestern United States.
Saint Nervwrackia– patroness of parents and parenting. Nervwrackia will provide back-up for the current patron, St. Louis, who clearly is overworked and undersubscribed. Enough said.
No full-fledged update can, of course, cover all possibilities, so our faithful readers are encouraged to make their own recommendations. This list will be forwarded to the Vatican, to the Congregation for the Invention and Proliferation of Saints, on the assumption that the folks working there have t seemed eager to embrace change, and to keep up with societal trends. Or, perhaps . . . NON.
I'm Thinking...No! 