When our daughter, a former Weight Watchers session leader, lived in DC, she’d come home four or five times a year. That left ample time for us to consume, freeze, throw out, or hide all the things we should not have been buying and eating. Not that she was judgmental at all, but guilt could somehow get the better of us. Now she’s in Boston and pops home regularly. This requires a whole different strategy. We have to keep a regular stock of fruits and vegetables in the house to create the illusion that it’s all part of our healthy daily lifestyle. What’s happened since then has been evolutionary. It’s a shame to just dispose of it all when she leaves, we do actually eat some. I know, right?
As I was shopping this morning, in the produce section, I was picking out some bananas. I commented to a fellow shopper that bananas go from green to brown-fit-only-for-banana-bread in about 20 minutes. This gentleman assured me that he’s kept them fresh for as long as half an hour. He did clarify that there couldn’t be stops at other locations on the way home. Then, they’re brown as he’s carrying them into the house.
What follows here, without regard in any way to the above introduction, is a nutritional plan that has evolved in my brain over the years. It’s been quite successful, again in my mind, as the topics literally jump out at me. Well, not literally, but in some cases with mildly flashing lights and ringing bells similar to an oven timer. My hope is to develop these at some point into fully functioning infomercials – the kind you see on television at 3 AM when only insomniacs are up and watching. Then, I’ll take them on the road as inspirational workshops, like those folks that tell you how to make a fortune in just days or weeks selling real estate. Any other bloggers that would like to adapt or pass on portions of this may do so, once you’ve obtained the requisite authorizations and paid the permitting fees.
Dark Chocolate: The New Top of the Food Pyramid. This is a working title for what could rightfully take its place as a full-blown nutritional guide. I should point out that chocolate has been a medicinal staple at Hogwarts School, in fact in much of the wizarding world, for centuries and with very good reason. We’ve really just scratching the surface on the health benefits of refined cocoa beans. The possibilities are endless – Swiss versus Belgian, dark versus milk chocolates, add a sprinkle of sea salt to feel “beachy”, Ghirardelli Square as a health spa. (It’s actually a mini-Mecca to true chocolate aficionados.)
Cholesterol: What’s all the fuss? This could be a bit more problematic, as there seems to be some scientific evidence that doesn’t bode well for cholesterol. However, in its defense, all the best tasting stuff is loaded with it. So what’s the harm? Should we really be banning all the food and drink that provides our olfactory systems with pleasure? Perhaps the scientific community could get busy on this and replace all the bad cholesterol with good cholesterol in everything we like – an even swap that makes us happy. I’ll drink to that.
Red Wine: The Health Benefits Starts Here. Here it is – solid evidencethat it produces significant health benefits and prolongs life. I’m not totally sure how it works – something about antioxidants. Don’t the French drink red wine, mixing in cheeses, those long and skinny loaves of bread, and the occasional spot of fruit? They’re living to, like, hundreds of years. Some do look a bit shriveled up, but no matter – they’re still living and moving about in small villages, survivors of the Franco-Prussian War. If they can outlive Bismarck, that’s good enough for me.
Calories: The Slippery Slope This is really a question mark among us nutritionists, so it will take what I call some “Trumpian Logic”. Too few and we wither up like African violets. Too many and we end up unable to see our shoelaces. What to do, what to do. There seem to be optimal numbers of calories we should consume each day and each week. I have a simple formula. Muffins at our local supermarket list calories in them. I double that (because I typically eat two), multiply that by six (because that’s my lucky number), and then eat what I want for lunch and dinner on the assumption that it’s got to be roughly six times the calories of the two muffins. Voila! Math in action. Just so you’ll all know, one cheeseburger equals two and half muffins, calorie-wise. In the event that I have a bowl of cereal for breakfast, then I continue on without regard to caloric intake. What you don’t know can’t possibly hurt you.
Healthy Greens These always look so deceptively healthy. Add some tomatoes, shredded carrots, some croutons and bathe it all in a nice, creamy dressing and you’ve got something tasty. Leave off the dressing and you might as well be a rabbit eating clover in my back yard. I didn’t realize that the bunnies had a taste palette until my spring flowers started disappearing at an alarming rate. They do eat grass, though, so they’re not as discriminating as we think. Our daughter, the healthy one mentioned above informed us that kale was, and I quote, “very tasty”. We tried it in a couple of times in a couple of formats, and I beg to differ. I know it’s supposed to be very nutritious, loaded with good things for you, I’d rate it a couple of steps below spinach on the taste scale. (And we should consider that spinach won’t achieve dizzying heights on the taste scale either.)
Snack Foods There are many variants to a truly effective snack food regimen. Our family tradition, I believe developed and refined some years back by my brother, includes slices of cheddar cheese and potato chips. I know, I know. Some will insist that crackers are better. I throw in an apple from time to time because a) I like them and b) they provide a nice color contrast to the cheese. I’m told that there are some true health benefits too. For reasons I won’t go into here, I have to avoid anything with nuts and seeds, and as I’ve never been particularly fond of nuts, that’s really not an issue for me. Seeds, being a dietary staple for birds, is pretty much a non-starter.
Coffee: The Mystical, Magical Beverage Here is something that truly mystifies. One moment, it’s the healthiest thing since aspirin. Then, out of nowhere, it’s not so good for you. And then, a new research report details all of the minerals and vitamins and great stuff it does for you. As a sustained and ongoing coffee drinker, I naturally subscribe to the “it’s really, really good for you” school of thought.
Finally, and though it’s not directly connected to a healthy diet, I recommend napping as an antidote to excessive exercise. The nap should be a part of every health and fitness routine. It’s true that some form of exercise is important – I personally recommend dashing out in the morning to get the newspaper, for example. I’ve also found that cleaning cobwebs in the basement can provide some very effective upper body stimulation. In the warm weather, I do some walking and gardening. In the winter, though, my naps pick up the slack. All in all, the afternoon nap, of which I’ve written extensively, has enormous health benefits, not the least of which is building an energy base to start cooking dinner. An afternoon siesta is also particularly useful if someone is visiting that you don’t wish to see. It breaks up the day nicely, and relieves the inherent stress of either expecting to accomplish too much or the guilt of not doing quite enough.
Must go now. Prime nap time approaches, and I need a quick snack.
I'm Thinking...No! 