Good morning, Everyone. I’d like you to pretend for just a moment that I’m standing, fit and impressive behind a podium, with the Great Seal behind me, or an enormous flag – something that says “Leadership and Greatness”. Before I begin my prepared remarks, I’d like you to know something really, really important. As you know, many candidates have announced their intentions to run for the highest office in the land. No, not chairman Starbucks, or even CBS, which has an opening right now, but nothing less than President of the United States. We don’t actually announce for some time that we will be a candidate. We state that, in the public interest, we’re forming an “exploratory committee”. What this committee explores is whether or not we have a hope in . . . . . of winning, or even more important, we can raise a boatload of money. So, my exploratory committee is small and ill-prepared, but none-the-less enthusiastic. We have our eye on one or two former members of the Dukakis presidential campaign, so insight and experience will come into play heavily here. Despite their concerns, one might even call them violent objections, I still think that, all-in-all, my candidacy can be viable. In fact, there could be a major announcement in the DIY Rake and Seed Catalog in time for spring planting. Getting their endorsement alone is a coup in my book.
There are some obvious drawbacks. For one, I don’t have any ties to Russia or China. Truth be told, I don’t even know anyone there. All of my years spent teaching might have been put to use developing contacts with high powered people in foreign countries. The best I can do is a bunch of cousins spread across Canada, none of whom, to my knowledge can be considered an influential contact. It is a start, though. I don’t own any resorts to shamelessly exploit for profit invite foreign heads of state. I don’t have any immediate family members that look like members of the Corleone familyto dazzle and charm corporate America.
Virtually everyone I know has no government experience, making them perfect for high level positions in my administration. My wife, for example, while not technically having law degrees, does have years of experience watching television courtroom drama. She can spot a perpetrator or the criminal element at fifty paces. She is fluent in the objection process. I know that you’re thinking – perfect for Attorney General. My daughter has watched any number of foreign films – she’s even been involved in judging foreign film festivals. Secretary of State is an ideal spot. My sister-in-law is a natural organizer. She’s well suited to giving instructions. Chief of Staff – check. My brother spends inordinate amounts of his time posting random stuff to Facebook, so Communications Director is a natural fit. It might take a while for the White House Press Corps to get used to his layered flannel shirts.
I think I can simplify the whole interacting with the international community / diplomacy thing. “Let’s Play Nicely” will be our slogan. If we all just stop yelling at each other and building nuclear weapons, we’d have lots of more constructive things on which we could spend. We could totally eradicate pestilence, flatulence, and any number of unfortunate conditions ending with “ence”. We could make that a cabinet-level department, replacing the department of. . . . oh, I forget now. (Someone make a note to call Rick Perry on which departments we’re shuttering this week.)
Healthcare is pretty straightforward. I propose that all Americans can be covered not through market places but rather a lottery similar to “Plinko”. They drop disk at the top of the board, it works its way down, and whatever insurance carrier it lands on is theirs. Simple, right? Or, here’s a random thought. We could choose our levels of treatments based on “Check-Out”. Instead of guessing the prices of food and houseware products, you guess how much a colonoscopy costs. If you’re within twenty bucks, you get the colonoscopy for free! Great idea, no?
Frankly, I’d like to know, as I’m sure many Americans would, why internet hacking is coming from countries we’re never heard of. This has become a career opportunity. Why in the world are we outsourcing that? Can’t we offer this valuable economic tool to our own people? Surely there are coal miners somewhere that could be retrained to hack into major companies’ systems and release thousands, nay millions of Americans’ private data? Why do we rely on someone using a Commodore in Kyrgyzstan for this important staple of the 21stcentury? By keeping it “in house”, we could make sure that American interests are protected from foreign interference. “Let’s Keep It to Ourselves” will be flying proudly on the banner for the Department of Internet Chicanery and Fake News. In no time at all, the federal government could be data-mining and selling this information. A whole new revenue stream that could potentially reduce income taxes to the point where billionaires don’t have to pay anything.
These are just some of the exciting ideas that will be coming your way in the next two years as my presidential campaign gains traction. I love that phrase – it reminds me of snow tires. Keep tuning in to this blog for important announcements about the wonderful new things that I’ll be proposing, along with some of the things that I’ll be eliminating because they personally annoy me, like commercials for medications, plastic containers for carbonated beverages with those little feet that cause them to tip over, diseases with initials, computer printers that are always “printing the alignment page”, and constant updates to my coffee app. I feel that, working together with the American people, I can build a vision for a perfect world where credit cards have no limits, where reality television becomes a scourge to society, where every day is your birthday at the coffee shop, where wines are tax-deductible, and where printing calculators are stylish and popular.
Yes, my fellow Americans, this is a dream, and I have a dream. Embedded in every national dream is that little voice that keeps saying, “I’m thinking . . . . . . . . not really.”
I'm Thinking...No! 