Becoming An “Influencer”

I’m in.  Not really sure how to get started here, but I fully embrace the concept that I would somehow be able to influence the thoughts, habits, and branding of millions of people and get paid truck-loads of cash in the process.  This came to my attention as I saw that one celebrity’s daughter is an “Instagram Influencer”.   I hadn’t really understood how that works, and full disclosure, I still don’t.  People actually pay to hear what she has to say? Is that like the Kardashians, who don’t have any appreciably marketable skills yet still end up on television and in magazines all the time?  And the famous daughter is like, what, 19?  And she got a crew scholarship to USC, despite not having ever been on anything less than a forty-foot sailboat.  How cool is that?  I can just see her asking “What do these big paddles do?” at the first practice, or informing the coach that “Riding backwards makes me nauseous”.

Anyway, I think I’d be a great “influencer”.  First, I’m incredibly knowledgeable about most anything (except possibly technology). That’s really the stumbling block, isn’t it?  This internet thing is really tricky.  I was looking the other day for a knife sharpener online only to find myself on a “survivor” website.  Oops. Not those kinds of knives – I just want one for my paring knives.

The greatest burden in life, at least for me, is having significant life experience and not fully being able to share it.  For example, I could be a “Garden Influencer”.  I could easily tell people where to stick their plants, lawn ornaments, and any number things.  Last week, my neighbor proudly put out bunches of pansies in front of her house.  I explained that it was really a little early for that as we’ve still got some cold weather, cold rain and possibly snow coming up. She informed me that it was  April,  by God, and so it was time.  Ok, maybe I’m not quite as influential as I thought.

It’s entirely possible that I’m not quite as in-touch as I think I am, though I throw that idea out without much conviction.  For example, I’m not familiar with most nominees for the Emmys or the Oscars, not having watched the vast majority of the nominated shows or seen the nominated movies.  That’s probably pretty typical of folks my age.  We tend more toward network television and PBS.  We not really “streaming” people.  We use Netflix to watch reruns of sitcoms or movies where we know the dialog by heart.  And these 4D movies, where the seat moves about and mist descends over you – that’s not for us.  I can barely stand those puffs of wind from the machine at the eye doctor’s office. Finding seats we can get out of when the movie ends is more our style.  Besides, who wants a seat that behaves like a bucking bronco when you’ve settled in with a drink and tubful of popcorn?  The movie theaters are sending us mixed messages. We just want to see Meryl Steep, for heaven sake. But once again, I’ve digressed. (Maybe I could be a Digression Influencer.)

One of the areas in which I could be a definite force for change is arranging things.  I could be an “Organizational Influencer.”  As my faithful readers know from past writings about House Hunters, people just don’t know how to “stage” their homes for sale. They’re stuffed full of oversized furniture, have unspeakable artsy crap on the walls.  “I found this wagon wheel in a barn in Waco and thought it would make a great chandelier.”  No, it should have stayed in the barn.  Somebody makes birdhouses, so they are featured in every room.  They’ve taken the concept of “accent wall” to the extreme, painting entire rooms in colors for which the paint manufacturers should be publicly humiliated.  They watched some “expert” redoing an old bureau in teal and go berserk, repainting everything in the house dayglow orange and lime green.  As an “influencer”, I definitely have a place. I’m going to call my show, “Tone It Down, People”.  I’ll show them how to buy furniture that fits their rooms.  Forget those, twenty-person couches.  Do they really need a dining room set that looks like it came from Downton Abby?   Many of these folks aren’t as popular as they think they are.  So I can help them decorate, downsize, unclutter, and rearrange.

In that vein, I could also be a “Discount Store Influencer”, helping folks that are wandering around these types of establishments with cartloads of unbelievably ugly trinkets. While the stores may not actually allow me to be onsite in their stores squelching sales, I could hack into their security cameras and catch buyers in the act of making unwise purchases. These could then be posted online under the banner, “Did you really just buy kitchen curtains with roosters on them?” (HELPFUL HINT – farm animals almost never add to home décor, and yet sadly, they’re quite prevalent.) I could create a website, www.whatwereyouthinking.com to feature these gross departures from good taste. As it is now, I see this items in the dollar stores and wonder if anyone actually buys them.  A few minutes later, there’s an answer in the affirmative when someone walks by, their carts overflowing with TT. (Truly Tacky).  In a rare display of discretion and restraint, I say nothing, but it’s very difficult.

Another target area: “Neighborhood Influencer”.  I would go into neighborhoods and train them to respond appropriately when something bad happens.  Why do the neighbors always look like something out of Swamp People?  There was one the other night, some guy with eyeballs popping out and hair flying.  I thought for a moment he was the perpetrator, but no, just the next door neighbor. Look dignified, people.  Speak slowly and clearly.  Stop blubbering – give us just a hint of a smile.  You’ll get through this, even though your house just washed away or was blown into the next county.  Pretend that someone from FEMA just handed you a large check and you lined up a contractor an hour ago.  Don’t stand next to trash bags full of . . . . well, in truth we don’t want to know. Dress respectably in whatever you have left, always remembering that spandex is seldom flattering.  If your neighbor has been holding hostages, don’t pretend that “He seemed so nice if a bit quiet. He even showed me his rifle collection just last week.”  Give a knowing smile and indicate sagely that you knew something like this would happen. You could also mention that, planning ahead, you put in beds of daffodils to match the crime scene tape to make the neighborhood look nice.

Yes, indeed.  I do think that in any number of areas, I could be a truly influential voice.  Our friend, Lady Peacock, has indicated on a number of occasions that her true calling lies in giving advice to the less fortunate, or in fact anyone, if only they’d listen.  Isn’t that the true curse of the real influencer?  All of this valuable information goes by the wayside because, quite honestly, it’s difficult to get out the word.  So, how exactly, has a college (well, maybe not now) 19-year-old from a wealthy family, who’s life experience is limited and who’s life perspectives are, shall we say, not quite mainstream, and whose judgement is at best questionable, created this network of influence?  I’m open to suggestions on how to get started.  Once this blog is “on the air”, I’m sure that major brands will come flocking to me.  Perhaps I should become a bigger presence on social media and start speaking out on Twitface or Instapod.  Sort of like winning the lottery, it’s just a matter of patience and maintaining my signature calm dignity.  OK, I’m still thinking . . . . . . .no.