As all of my faithful readers know, I formed a Presidential Exploratory Committee some months ago. They’re still exploring out there somewhere, their progress I presume impeded by the violent weather across the country, both physically and politically. While I’m not yet ready to fully commit, I do want to fill you in on some thoughts that could emerge into full-fledged hair-brained campaign platforms.
Flower Garden Subsidies. I believe it was Lady Bird Johnson who said it best, “Where flowers bloom, so does hope.” We as a nation could do well to adopt that simple, heartfelt sentiment. We need to worry less about immigration and more about the deplorable state of America’s front and back yard gardens. “Trade tariffs for flowers”; “Better Fracking with Ferns”’; “Impatiens, not Impatience”; “Sunnis and Shiites for Sea Lavender”. These slogans practically write themselves. We could exchange flowers with China and the European Union, and suddenly we’re all friends and trade partners. Garden supplies should be tax-deductible. Instead of walls, let’s build beautiful gardens of tranquility at every port of entry.
Foreign Affairs. The Israeli / Palestine two-state question doesn’t seem to be solving itself, so here’s another thought. Let’s just break off a hunk of one of those states we could live without and give it to the Palestinians. Does Texas really need to be that big? It’s hot, flat, and sandy – in fact, it’s perfect! If it’s not big enough for them, we could also carve out some of Oklahoma to sweeten the pot. Or we could give them southern bits of Arizona and New Mexico. A Palestinian militia presence there would certainly stop the migratory flow from south of the border. There we are – two problems solved with one bold stroke.
Student Debt. Ok, this is a bit trickier, but I think it’s doable. I need to talk to Bill Gates and Warren Buffett first, but my idea is that we take half of every university and college endowment, along with two thirds of Betsy DeVos’s fortune, and put it all into a big central checking account to pay off everyone’s student loans. We could call it “student assistance in lieu of property taxes”. I haven’t actually figured out the numbers, but if there’s anything left over, we give it to community colleges and make them tuition-free. The huge advantage is that students coming out of college may be able to support themselves, will spend to support the economy, and not have to move back with their parents until they’re 45.
New legislation in the formative stages:
1) Any television cable service providers, who let’s face it charge us two arms and a leg for service, should not be allowed to switch randomly to “paid programming”. That’s needs to be illegal. Truth be told, for what we’re paying if you have a cable service, advertising should be strictly limited to two commercials per half hour of programming, and those two ads may be no more than 60 seconds in length. If they show us the same commercial within four hours of each other, a series of fines and penalties kick in, including jail time for cable executives.
2) There should be no commercials for medications allowed on the airwaves anywhere. Cutting out all the money that Big Pharma spends on advertising would go a long way toward reducing the costs of prescription drugs.
3) Let’s ramp up wind power as an energy source. What with the proliferation of tornados and hurricanes sweeping across the country or swooping in off the oceans, this would seem to be a natural fit for our energy needs. Of course, we might need to live underground, but what the heck – chipmunks have been doing it for years.
4) Healthcare should be tiered, depending on one’s philosophical / political views. Those farthest right, who believe that universal healthcare is a communist plot, are registered fascists, or are holed up in an armed compound in the Northwest, would be on the lowest rung of the ladder. These are typically the ones that have adequate coverage or don’t get sick, and the heck with everyone else. They’d be covered only for yearly check-ups and two bottles of aspirin a year. We’ll call that Healthcare Level I. The more centrist you become, you move up to Level III, which includes office visits, hospital stays for up to two days, and generic medications. If a drug is advertised on tv, you’re not eligible. Moving left to the pinko socialists, you’ll have “enhanced” coverage, or Level IV. Complete hospital care, limousine rides to and from the doctor’s office, designer eyewear and replacement teeth. Nothing is too good for these people. If you’re undocumented, you can apply for bonuses paid in Trump Bucks, making you eligible for an array of jobs in the housekeeping or grounds-keeping departments of any Trump resort. Slightly under minimum wage, but you won’t have to pay taxes. He doesn’t.
5) Under my administration, when I’m looking up something on the internet, I will never see “ads related to” at the top of the page. The FCC, or a new federal commission that I set up, (working name: Agency for Federal Internet Oversight for the Less Fluent, or AFIOLF for short, yet not related to the AFL-CIO) will make sure none of that happens again. We should never have to scroll through to the second page just to find the official site for our bank. It will be displayed in all its glory right in front of us.
6) All containers of carbonated beverages will be square, and those little tippy toes on the bottom will be gone. If we can figure this out for milk and orange juice, we certainly get the cola and ginger ale people back on track. Think of that – they won’t be rolling around in the back of the car, ready to explode when opened. In fact, I’ll direct the FDA to enforce large “sell by” and “expiration date” stickers splashed across any perishable products. No more teeny, tiny numbers, often in some kind of code, on the side of the package where you can’t read them without a magnifying glass.
7) Gun Safety is a top priority. American citizens, in the interests of preserving Second Amendment rights, will be allowed to own and carry guns as long as they fire nerf bullets. If you want special permission to fire blanks just to scare people, that will be allowed with a special “Don’t Hurt Anybody” license. Certain restrictions will also be placed on knives and switchblades. They may not be any sharper than a butter knife, and if you’re caught on the street with a butter knife, you’ll be escorted immediately to the nearest bakery. If you live in a location where you need guns for protection from wild animals, just move someplace safe, like Chicago or Los Angeles. If you live in LA or Chicago, move to the country. This isn’t rocket science, people.
8) The balance of trade will be leveled as all Asian tourists coming into the US will be required to shop at Walmart while here, purchasing at a minimum of ten items that they must then ship home, providing an added bonus boost to the Postal Service and UPS. That should help reduce the trade deficit and clear out a lot of imported items in the process.
There will without doubt be more brilliant and innovative ideas, such as evidenced above, coming your way in the ensuing election cycle, so please remember that you heard them here first when the more prolific, high-profile candidates start using them.
I'm Thinking...No! 