In one of my recent blogs, I mentioned a “dog blogger” that appeared on an episode of House Hunters. This person needed a special “doggie bedroom” where the “doggie beds” could be placed, because we all know that the stereotypical dog sleeping at the foot of its owners’ bed gives the dog a total lack of privacy. There’s been a steady building of pet independence, leading to wonderful inventions like the “doggie door” that lets all manner of wild animals into your house.
Did it start, perhaps, with the advent of animal clothes? Pet owners and pets in matching sweaters, hats and gloves? We should perhaps have guessed that we were well beyond the Lassie era. Lassie would never have ventured out to find Timmy in the well wearing a bonnet and matching corsage. Now, I certainly understand that racehorses sometimes need to have blankets in cold weather. OK, I get that. But does Aunt Hester’s miniature schnauzer need a cape and earmuffs? That’s just embarrassing. To make things worse, it seems that in at least half of the roughly thirty catalogues we get daily, the seasonal features have pet costumes. Really? What dog wants to bark out at the dog park that “I’m going to be a Flying Monkey for Halloween. Yea!”? Really rattling around in Foofoo’s tiny brain is, “What fresh hell is this?”
I was coming out of Home Depot the other day when I saw an older couple getting ready to go in. The woman, whom I strongly suspect was at Woodstock, was unpacking a baby buggy, obviously for the dog. It was a small, white dog – I believe a West Highland terrier, but it was hard to tell because the ears and tail were dyed a bright pink, which captured all of my attention. I’m unaware of any dog breed with naturally pink ears and tail. That’s just an affront to dogs everywhere, and to nature in general. If you’re not a tropical bird or, on the outer limits, a fish, then pink just doesn’t work as an animal color. You never see a Rocky Mountain goat or a jack rabbit with pink fur highlights or teal paws. Animals like to blend in to natural surroundings. If this poor little thing blended in to its home surroundings with bright pink, we have decorator issues at work here too. I was tempted to stop and ask exactly what their thought process was in creating that psychologically abusive appearance for their pet. And further, to be wheeling it about like Little Lula’s favorite doll? Which brings me to . . . . .
What’s with the baby dogs in shopping carts in the grocery store? They seem to be popping up more and more, usually resting in cloth beds near the handlebars. If these are anxiety animals, then the owners are well beyond compulsive, and perhaps they should be looking into a room at a reputable sanitarium, where a swat team of therapists can watch over them. I for one do not want to put my fresh produce where a dog bed just was. Forget those little hand sanitizers, I want this cart put into a full decompression chamber and sprayed with the harshest chemicals known to humanity. I understand that animals can help some people relieve anxiety and stress, but this is getting out of hand. The benchmark for animal ridiculousness still stands as the woman trying to convince the airline her peacock was a service pet, tied with the woman in Connecticut who’s pet gorilla escaped its cage and did her in. These two will be legends of stupidity for all time. They even leapfrog over the folks that didn’t realize their pet alligators and pythons was going to grow, so they set them free into the backyard and beyond. There actually was a person that “lost” a pet snake – a big one – on the Boston subway. That got everyone’s attention, particularly as it wasn’t found for a day or two.
The pet food folks are really buying into this. Is that can of dog food really prime rib, or just whatever was left over on the floor in the processing plant? Can a dog really taste smoked salmon as distinct from the salmon that flew by mistake into the bear’s mouth? Apparently, they can, according to the Dog Food Network. They provide “Dog Food Reviews, Recipes, Message Board, Videos and Much More! Get The Latest in Dog Food News, Recalls, New Products, Recipes and More!” (I’m not making this up – it’s on their website description, and the internet never lies.) But really, Dog Food News? Are you kidding me? Animals are animals, and they’ll eat whatever we put out for them. In the absence of that, they’ll eat nature – that’s what they do. They’ll eat the decomposing carcasses of other animals. How could there possibly be a dog food “recall”? There’s a conversation to overhear between a pet parent and an agent from the Wildlife Department. “That dead woodchuck by the side of the road your dog chewed last week? I’m afraid it’s been recalled.” A neighborhood cat, quite a friendly one, came up to me yesterday as I was working outside. I said hello as it passed by, much as I greet our resident cardinal on the deck each morning, and the cat came down and rubbed against my leg. I’m not sure if that was a plea for food and drink or not, but I ignored the urge to run inside for a saucer of milk and can of tuna. My instincts tell me this cat has a host of benefactors in the village to supplement its field mouse intake, as it looked pretty well fed, self-sufficient, and keeping away from the wild turkeys. Cats seem to maintain their independence as pets – they can take or leave humans as the situation warrants. Dogs, on the other hand, can’t help being needy in domestication. It’s in the eyes. They pretend that they’re on their own, but really unless they’re wolves that grew up in the wild, it’s not as convincing.
In addition to pet Facebook pages and other social media, as a final item of interest in the continuing lunacy of pet parenting, here’s pet television. “DOGTV is the first television experience created for dogs to relax and entertain them allowing you to leave a little love on when head out of your home. DOGTV is not just a TV channel; after all, our dogs don’t binge watch their favorite shows like we do.” Who wouldn’t want their pets to be relaxed and entertained? After all, their existence is limited to sleeping, eating, running, and pooping. Was entertainment ever high on their lists? Do all those dogs needing to be satisfied on House Hunters ever think, “Oh, yes. I can really kick back with a milk bone in this yard. Yep, this is the house for us.”? Another mystery solved. What could be more natural than sharing our “television experience” with animals? Where to start? Are there doggie sitcoms, and something from ex-Disney people for puppies? “Dog-On-Demand”, where they just bark into the remote. A “Dog and Order” for the more mature dog. I’m told that dog vision isn’t quite as sharp as ours, so we’d need hi-hi-hi def. I’ve read too that dogs are blind to colors, so pet parents can go back to black-and-white. How crazy has this all become? Can’t you just imagine the talented person dreaming of a career in television production, thinking they’ll be the next Chuck Lorre, Judd Apatow, or Julian Fellowes only to find themselves working as a programmer or creative consultant for the DOGTV? Unless it pays extraordinarily well, the hours are good, and there’s a fair bit of positive feedback from the American Kennel Club, I would imagine there’s significant employment depression – at Dogtv.
Am I imagining this, or have people allowed their pets to take over our culture? It’s not the animals’ fault, but are we allocating inordinate amounts of thought and money trying to make animals artificially comfortable, healthy, and entertained while we let victims of hurricanes struggle along as best they can, or let millions of children (and some adults) go without adequate food or medicines? In just a hint of irony, we live in a society that spends a ton of money on pets, while our government is looking for ways to restrict and reduce the Endangered Species List that protects billions of plants and animals. It’s more important to dress up a rhino than to protect its environment, apparently. There’s a flash of insight into the human brain.
I do understand the special bond that exists between people and their pets. I understand the connection that children, seniors, or those that live alone have with animals. I respect that and celebrate those relationships.. Pets represent friendship, companionship, trust, and yes, love. However, when people start treating their animals as humans, something that pets clearly can’t understand, I think we’ve crossed the line into Obsession Village. As I step down gently from my soapbox once again, I’d just like to say that the people who want to bring their dogs into a restaurant, unless they’re service animals, should be disallowed themselves from going in. Those that leave their dogs in the custody of DogTV rather than a proper custodian, like a dog walker, should have to surrender their pets to foster care. And finally those people that coined the terms “pet parent” and “fur-baby” should be publicly snubbed – possibly having their ears and tails dyed bright pink. I’m just thinking . . . . .no.
I'm Thinking...No! 