As we’re well into January and knocking on February’s door, I’m reposting my stern advice as a service to everyone about Christmas decorations going on too long. I can’t help noticing the number of people that still have festive wreaths up on doors, bows on the windows, and Rudolph grazing in the yard. The people that really ought to be reprimanded are those that still have up the large inflatable crap figures all over the front lawn. What is with these people? Somewhere along the way, Americans have lost all sense of taste.
It’s nice to enjoy the holiday season, which now seems to begin on Columbus Day weekend and stalks Thanksgiving with a vengeance. Coming is the day that we serve Thanksgiving turkey with a red bow and sprigs of holly. For most of us, I’d like to think the joy of Christmas has run its course by the time we’re watching the Tournament of Roses Parade. We have a tradition in our house – if the tree and other festive trappings of the holiday aren’t down and packed away on New Year’s Day, somebody please call 911 – we’re probably dead. If we’re still alive, I take down the outdoor decorations – just a couple of wreaths – on the next reasonably warm day.
My nephew takes a more intense view of people that leave their decorations up too long. His feeling is that everyone gets a pass for no more than two weeks into January. After that, civil authorities should be issuing fines and arresting violators. In the absence of true interest by local law enforcement, the Christmas Decoration Removal Team (CDRT for short) should be standing ready to step in. This dedicated crew of civil servants does not, unfortunately, have much power to act, like surrounding the offending property with dump trucks and shredders. Delivering stern glares and handing out unofficial “tickets” is pretty much all they can do. This disapproving facial expression, known in our house as the “Ellen DeGeneres look”, was designed by Ms DeGeneres primarily for clueless drivers in our midst, but it works in a surprisingly large range of daily situations.
So once again I ask what the story is with these people. Is it an inability to let go? They just can’t part with the glitter and the magic? Could this be a condition for which I’ve coined the phrase, “Mistletoe Anxiety”? World of Psychology – you should be paying attention here and writing this down. By definition, this includes anyone that a) has their Christmas tree still up and decorated at Spring Break, or b) has convinced themselves that outdoor Christmas lights are hip and trendy all year round. (NOTE: Unless you live on a tropical island paradise or right next to a Disney property, it’s not working.) This could be a condition in which people separated from their holiday decorations lose their glow of holiday euphoria and return to their normal states of gloom and unhappiness. That traditionally accompanies the State of the Union Address (for which nobody decorates). I expect that shortly, we’ll see folks on the street with small “Mistletoe Anxiety” support animals wearing red and green sweaters and Santa hats.
Decorating for the holidays follows a cycle of life. Young adults eagerly decorate, but as they’re starting out, they have to make do with what’s available. Last year’s packaging becomes this year’s mantle, and they add a few items each year. Then, over the years, the tree ornaments, stuffed Santas, and Snowpeople multiply like rabbits until we have a warehouse that fills the basement, the attic, the back of the garage, and several closets. As we slide into the golden years, the decorations diminish like our energy and willpower to put them out. We seniors know that anything coming out has to go away at some point and we’ll have to bend over, reach up, or climb stairs – something we blissfully ignored when we were young. Eventually, we have the tree (much smaller and lights up by itself – that was on sale at Home Depot in October), a few choice items like a nativity, a Santa that The Daughter made from a milk carton and a treasured sandwich bag reindeer face with pipe cleaner antlers fashioned in Kindergarten. There were years when we’d set out the Christmas china in all its glory in the dining room. Now we grab a couple of plates as needed from their permanent storage place in the closet. I even have to paw through the pile of placemats and napkins for the Christmas ones.
There are still enthusiasts, though, that “go big” outside. They feel a compelling need to share their joy with everyone, much like those that have a theatre sound system in their cars so we all can hear. Their every wish has been fulfilled by factories in China churning out bazillions of inflatable Christmas Characters. These people light up their front yards like the Strip in Vegas. One home in town in years past was a showcase of lights and every imaginable decoration. The irony was that there were so many lights, the owner could only afford to turn on this extravaganza for an hour or two each night. I won’t even mention a family in a neighboring town that had something like 115 of those blow-up characters, and even more unbelievable, other people came from all over the area to drive by to see them. What is with these people? Don’t you see that you’re giving them positive reinforcement? The good news about these extensive displays is that it usually comes down on Boxing Day. The bad news is that they’re already planning something lavish for Valentine’s Day or Easter. (These are typically the same people for whom the community fireworks aren’t good enough, so they blow off hands, feet, or the gazebo in the back yard expressing the exuberance of July 4th.)
Our friend Lady Peacock likes to decorate for the holidays with fresh holly. I know this because we have several holly bushes outside are her ready supply. She comes here to do her cutting. When I say “do her cutting”, I mean that I do it on her specifications for length and number of berries. She’s a stickler for elegance and gracious living. In a major departure this year, she actually put up her tree (by her standards much smaller than usual) herself and placed the decorations on by herself as well. Yes, I know what you’re thinking – “Was nobody around to either help her or better yet, do it for her?” Apparently not. So, for those that put out a few tasteful exterior decorations – a wreath on the door, maybe a swag of greenery on the porch railing, a candle or two in the window, what’s the big deal taking this down? Do we still need to view these sad remnants of happier times in the bleak midwinter? Can you not spend an hour or two taking stuff down after the bows have faded and the needles have turned brown on the ground? Can’t you just let the images and memories go? Can’t you get off your butt and take the tree to the dump like everyone else?
Once again, and still stealing from Bill Maher, I repost as a public service, “New Rules for Taking Down Christmas”:
- If you can’t put it up in a day, it’s probably way more than the rest of us want to see.
- If it came from the forest, let it go home.
- If it’s plastic or inflatable, it belongs in a funhouse.
- Even the Wise Men left after a few days.
- If it stays lighted half the night, you’re wasting our electricity. Get yourself a windmill.
- If it hangs and tinkles in the wind, so should its owner.
- Red candles in the windows can suggest something other than Christmas. Just saying . . . .
- If it’s still up on January 31st, you deserve to be arrested and fined.
Happy New Year, Everyone!
I'm Thinking...No! 