Answering machines and voice mail have been the new norm for long enough that, well, now they’re the old norm. Do you remember when they were first developed, back when they were separate devices hooked up to the telephone? We’d record the message about six times until it was just right. Now, of course, they are built right in, so if we don’t answer the phone after four rings, as we do in the age of screened calls, the system springs into action so the caller can record something excruciatingly long that often goes well beyond the allotted time. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld has a great routine about people calling just to leave a message. “Oh, you’re there. I thought you’d be out and I’d leave a message.” There are those, however, who still don’t know to wait for the “beep”, so we only get the last bit of their message, something like “call me when you get this”. Great. Who are you again?
Businesses have refined the process for several reasons. Tech people have been really busy updating the number of options we have when calling. And many of these businesses no long have live humans working for them. It’s far easier, from their perspective, to “leave a number and someone working part time at home on spec will call you back”, after telling us that our call is very important to them, than for us to actually communicate with them in the first exchange. I’m always amused by “please listen to our menu, as our options have changed.” Who do they think they are, Olive Garden, switching to the fall lunch menu? First, you have to enter the last four digits of your phone number, your date of birth, random digits from your Social Security number, and the date of your great-grandparents’ wedding. That’s to provide complete security, which you’ve now put on some company’s records and probably filled in few blanks for any number of hackers too.
Using this highly effective model, I’ve come up with something I call the “Home Answering Menu”, or HAM for short. Some of the prompts have been suggested by our dear friend, Lady Peacock (who we now address as “Mum” in deference to her status as a descendent of the House of York and an erstwhile member of the Royal Family). I leave it to the reader to figure out which options those are. Borrowing (or stealing) from the corporate platform, my innovative service would go something like this, (and I’ve taken the liberty of including possible recorded celebrity voices to add dramatic effect to the message – that will be a slightly more expensive option when we go live):
You’ve reached the Walters Residence. We may or may not be interested in your call, so if nobody calls back, don’t take it as a personal affront. It’s merely indifference. Our menu options have changed, so please listen carefully and use the prompts indicated: (voice of Carson from Downton Abbey)
“If you are a personal friend, having an absolutely smashing day and wish to share your joy and exuberance, please say ONE now.” (voice of Nathan Lane or possibly Richard Simmons)
“If you are having a day of boredom and just wish, in the era of self-isolation, to communicate with another human being, please say TWO now. “(voice of Meryl Streep)
“If your day is spiraling downward, your offspring are disappointing or disagreeing with you, and you’ve just called to say, “I need to rant and vent uncontrollably.”, please say THREE now.” (voice of Bill O’Reilly)
“If you’ve called to fill us in on your latest plans, which are dubious at best, or are risky and utterly ridiculous, please say FOUR now.” (voice of Simon Cowell)
“If you’re calling to sell us something we don’t want or need, like vinyl siding or an extended warranty on a garage door opener, please say FIVE now, and prepare to be disappointed. (voice of Stephen Colbert)
“If you are a friend or relative from whom we haven’t heard in years, please say SIX now, and then sing a chorus of ‘I’m not dead yet’ so we’ll know it’s really you. (voice of Dame Judi Dench)
“If you’re calling to invite us to a social event or gathering, you should be aware that Her Ladyship does not prefer to ‘do social’, so please hang up and rethink your strategy. In the event that it’s something important, send her a message on Facebook. (voice of Dame Maggie Smith)
“If you’re calling from a political campaign and want us to take a survey, particularly if you’re from a conservative polling center, you might want to hang up now before we skew answers from the last four respondents. Hillary says, ‘hi’. “ (voice of Bill Clinton)
“If you’re calling about a survey, including products, there’s a better than 50/50 chance you’ll be disappointed. Please remove this number from your call list.” (voice of Albus Dumbledore)
If you’re at a call center in Sri Lanka, please don’t route the call through a cell phone coming up, ‘Richmond, Virginia’ on Caller ID. You won’t like what you hear if I answer. (voice of Raj Koothrappali)
This opens up a whole new world of interpersonal communication, because vocal tones that so often are lost in texts and emails will continue to play a part in phone conversations or even message-leaving. A further advantage is that commercial enterprises and the fine folks in marketing departments across the globe will get just a taste of what we all endure daily when they call us as we’re struggling out of bed or at dinner time. I’m thinking that, if I can just find the right technicians to coordinate my answering service, this could be the biggest thing since the lava lamp. The potential options could be customized to the client’s preferences, although in the interests of decency, use of profanity would have to be limited. Let me know, my faithful readers, what you think by writing or saying SEVEN for great idea, or EIGHT for a possibility, and NINE for . . I’m thinking . . . . . no.
I'm Thinking...No! 