As you know, I’ve written extensively, perhaps more than my readers want or need to read, about the grocery shopping experience. Pre-pandemic, I’d go two, three, perhaps four times a week to collect what we needed. Much of that travel reflected a general lack of planning, but I prefer to think of it as spontaneity. We’d decide in the morning what we felt like having for dinner. Particularly during Herself’s confinement to the house during her recovery, we transitioned to curbside take-out along the way. That made Princess Anxiety happier that interaction with the outside world was reduced to, well, nothing. The exception to that being her daily afternoon run to Starbucks.
This week, we’re now experimenting with the miracle that is online grocery shopping. We can shop with the ease of clicking buttons and our groceries will magically appear at our door a day or two later. I should mention that my large weekly shopping was pretty much down to a science. I’d follow the traffic patterns, going up and down each aisle selecting what we needed, replacements, and giving appropriate scowls of disgust at those coming at me, i. e. going the wrong way. I’d have a list. Oh, yes, it’s kept faithfully on the side of the refrigerator, where I’d write down what was just used, what was getting low, or perhaps an ingredient missing when I was in the middle of a recipe. Often too, while the Princess is home and cooking something delightful, I’d hear a call from the kitchen, “Dad – do we have any watermelon rind in burgundy glaze?” I can’t believe that we are out of that, but then again, as I was informed, we don’t have a proper “zester” either. Another kitchen deficiency, another loss in the Michelin guide.
So, we’re ready to go. I now have an Instacart app on my phone, along with an account. Easy peesy. The hour I’d spend in the store is now spent typing in the items I’m going to order. Usually, I can tell how much I’m spending by the volume of items in my cart, and how high it’s piled. And I must say, I’ve got pretty good at that – I’m most often within five dollars or so in the supermarket sweep. On line, I have no idea – just order and order until I’m ready to go to “checkout”, whereupon I see the total, my eyes bug out and I inhale deeply, sucking most of the air from the room. Really, did I spend that much? Oh, well, we probably need it. Of course, the Princess adds multiple items of her own – almond milk, low cal ice cream bars at about four fifty a bar, specialty cookies to fill the void left by the low cal ice cream. She has expensive tastes for someone in grad school, but what the heck. You only live once or twice.
I’ve placed the order for the next day. Great – I’ll sit back and wait for it all to come. That’s my thought, anyway, but oh no. Not the way it works. I was informed by Elizabeth that I needed to keep my phone constantly “at the ready” when shopping commences for any updates, cancellations, substitutions, and breaking news from the store. Ernestine has begun my shopping. That you for letting me know. During the shopping route, she lets me know what’s “out of stock”, so I can approve replacements or just cancel. At the store, in person, I simply pick from what’s available. If they’re out of my usual toilet paper, I just get something different. On line, Ernestine suggests alternatives. I text back yes or no. This week, I was stocking up for Thanksgiving, because the Princess suggested that getting deliveries next week might be a problem. On the other hand, you can’t really order fresh fruits and vegetables more than a week plus ahead. We all know they turn brownish with hours of being put in the crisper, so anything three or four days out will be suspect. So, what to do . . . .? I made some judgement calls, and I stand firmly by them. Perhaps by next weekend, not so much.
Part of the fun when shopping on line is that name brand items usually have a little picture next to them, but the store’s generic brands don’t. I’ll look to see how much is included, but sometimes it doesn’t work out. For example, I thought I was buying two green bell peppers. No, it seems, upon arrival, that I bought two bags of green peppers. I’m now the proud owner of twelve peppers. No problem. We’ll switch the master menu plan around, and we’re having stuffed peppers for dinner on Thursday and Saturday, and again for lunch on Monday to Wednesday. I bought, unknowingly, a double package of English muffins. So, eggs Benedict for a few days. Also, when Elizabeth was showing me how to set up the account, I did some preliminary, sample buying. Then, when I went back the next day, I duplicated wheat bread and something else, so we’re well stocked there. I did forget to get a pork roast for Sunday, so I’ll have to sneak out under cover of darkness to pick that up in person. You really don’t want to leave something as deeply personal as a pork roast to an anonymous, random shopper. It’s like a big game hunter waiting for just the right antelope to come out of the bushes. While I’ve never done it, I assume that you don’t just shoot the first one you see.
Overall, everything went pretty well. Ernestine told me when she was starting the shopping, which is something I didn’t really need to know. She walked me through the store, step by step, inch by inch. About a dozen of my selections were out of stock, so I viewed dozens more alternatives. (HELPFUL HINT: If you’re out of something, take it off the website!!) Other than the unfortunate green pepper and wheat bread incidents, it was quite successful. She walked me though the checkout process. (It was busy this morning, in case I was interested, which I wasn’t.) The administrator in me, however couldn’t just unpack everything and put it all away. I felt compelled to print out a list, checking off each item as it emerged from plastic. Yes, everything was there. Like an ATM transaction, no more, no less. Reminded me of the story about the elderly lady that went into the bank and gave the teller a withdrawal slip. The teller gave the lady her money, and watched with amusement as the lady counted it carefully once, and then again. Asked the teller, “Is it all there, Madame?”, the lady eyed her suspiciously and responded, “Yes, but just barely.”
Ernestine thoughtfully let me know, after the checkout delay, her various points of progress in getting to our house. I half expected her to mention visibility and road conditions, along with points of interes too I was there to greet her on arrival, and distancing appropriately, brought in the groceries. While I didn’t actually wash my hands after each bag was emptied, I did an official wash up when everything was put away and the bags were in recycling. Yes, I do that faithfully, although I half suspect that the fine folks in trash pick-up throw it all together at some point and truck it to a landfill. But I’ve done my bit to ensure the health and safety of the residents at 191 Winding Pond Road. I’ve been pandemically responsible. I’m staying home. I’m reading a new book that Elizabeth bought me as a surprise for my birthday in December. Yes, I opened it by mistake as Amazon was dropping off a major shipment a few days ago. Everything on the front porch is a blur these days. However, it’s a great book, and I’m enjoying it thoroughly as reading and PBS get me through this period of confinement.
Stay safe and healthy, my dear readers.
I'm Thinking...No! 