Black Friday has now morphed into Cyber Monday – in fact let’s not limit ourselves to one day. Retailers began their sales marketing long about Columbus Day, so the festivities haven’t really crept up on us. The last two weeks of November and well into mid-December continue to be a feeding frenzy of shopping. The experts tell us that the holidays represent upwards of 60% of all retail shopping. I’d believe that. We had three deliveries just the other day alone, with lots more confirmation emails coming in hourly.
I should mention that Her Ladyship has done most of her Christmas shopping online for a number of years, so it’s not a major shift for us. We get all kinds of holiday trinkets from China, and Thailand has been added to her official supplier list. We were watching an episode of House Hunters International last night, featuring a young man moving from LA, which is too expensive, to Vietnam, which isn’t. While we wouldn’t really want to live there, it could potentially cut down in the shipping costs.
In our holiday tradition, the house is filling up with new arrivals, taking on the appearance of a storage room in a major box store. You know, the ones with the automatic padded doors, where, from time to time, a frazzled employee emerges with a loaded flatbed to restock. While my faithful readers may recognize familiar material from time to time, I’m adding bits and pieces along the way to make these blogs appear fresh and glowing. I figure that some of the great authors and composers reused material, causing us to have a “wait . . where have I heard that before” moment, so I’ll just follow their lead with some degree of legitimacy. I like to think of it as “sharing the joy once again”, like watching Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer or the cartoon version of The Grinch. For those cultures and traditions that don’t decoratively wrap up unspeakable numbers of gifts, truly wise. Here in Londonderry, as in much of the world, the boon that we provide to retail is equaled only by the truckloads of wrapping paper and ribbons that will properly dress the gifts. Her Ladyship just mentioned to me this morning that we need to pull out our stock and do a complete inventory. We’re apparently transitioning from the stick-on bows to more significant ribbons. That will require a restocking and a new inventory paradigm. Possibly new software to record everything as well. In the past, I suggested that, as the Great British Baking Show has spread so rapidly and gained such popularity, maybe it’s time now for the Great American Wrapping Show. Twelve contestants would be selected, possibly from department storing gift wrapping counters or local craft fairs, to compete in a series of wrapping and decorating challenges, confronted with all manner of shapes and sizes of presents. There could be a “swords” feature, with long, pointy objects, or “Boots without Boxes” as the technical wraps, then showstoppers like “Bikes, Trikes, and Scooters” – anything with rectangles or squares, or fits in a gift box, is off the table. These will be the large, oddly shaped items. The benefit is that we’d all be brought up to date on the latest “wrapping trends”. There would be, much like bathroom (with double sinks and rainforest showerheads, or kitchen renovations with island breakfast bars and those “pot fillers” over the cooktop). New color trends, etc., etc. Contestants may fashion their own decorative embellishments, and anyone caught slipping bags of pre-tied bows under the tent flaps is promptly dismissed. Hillary and David from “Love It or List It” could diversify and become the Paul and Pru of decorative gift wrapping. They could move from table to table, asking the combatants why they made the choices of the paper and ribbon colors they did. The contestants would then explain with a smile, why the elf paper was a family tradition, and David could give them a withering look and Hillary could roll her eyes.
So, back to the Christmas shopping frenzy that is currently underway. I’ve noticed that “Black Friday” now begins right after the last forkful of stuffing has been consumed on Thanksgiving Day. I know – does anyone actually push away from the table and dash to the mall? Opening at a reasonable hour on Friday morning isn’t enough, and hasn’t been for some time, because alert shoppers apparently do their best work between midnight and 2 AM. I’ve even heard that some go to the extent of mapping out the stores they intend to ransack, so they have an organizational strategy. Really? These are people that, often seeming rational and reasonable, are the ones in block-long lines to buy the new model iPhone or see the new Star Wars movie. They could have multiple personalities, and perhaps should be tested or institutionalized.
My wife, a very strong ready candidate for the Christmas Shopping Hall of Fame, has, as mentioned before, long since made a seamless transition from store to internet. I may have mentioned in past Christmas letters that she’s one of a select few that have received a personal “thank you” note from a highly placed official at a major credit card company. Yes, indeed, quite an honor. Much of her retirement money goes into what I call her “Swiss Bank Account.” It’s a separate account, and in the interests of fairness and transparency, one that she uses for the bulk of her Christmas shopping.
But back to the true essence of Christmas shopping. Let’s get one thing straight. Does anyone, anywhere, actually give cars with enormous red bows for Christmas? I understand the marketing – it’s a slow period in the showroom, and now people can even buy and sell cars online. Most of the ads seem to be high-end cars – Audis, Lexus, Acuras, Mercedes are featured, although Kia and Toyota are catching up. This year, we’re seeing a bazillion times that adorable couple giving each other his and hers mammoth vehicles. She loves the pickup truck though, so he’s left with the red . . . . . I’m always delighted to see a young couple, living in a house the rest of us only see in trendy magazines, buying themselves new cars for the holidays. So sweet.
Of course, this year will have much shorter lines and, with any luck, a sea of facemasks. People will wisely be spreading out, what we now call “social distancing”, because we know that the American people, faced with an infection crisis, will follow guidelines to the letter and use safe, sensible judgement. Hah! Maybe, some this year will surprise us and do the right thing.
There are always the classic shopping stories. Here’s my favorite, and if you’ve heard it before, just skip this part. My birthday is in early December, so on a Black Friday many years ago (or possibly Black Saturday – it was definitely one of those black days) off went Herself and the Daughter, who was maybe 10 or 11 at the time, to buy my gift, a beautiful suede overcoat, which I still have. Herself had an additional quick stop to make, so she left the Daughter with the coat, in its garment bag on a bench outside. A photographer from the local newspaper came along, taking random pictures of shoppers, and asked if he could take her picture, to which the Daughter wisely responded that he’s have to wait until her mother returned. Back came Herself, and the picture was taken, after which my wife explained that the coat was a surprise birthday gift for a few days hence. The photographer assured her that it wouldn’t be in the paper, to which we coincidentally subscribed, for at least a week or two. True to form, there was the picture on the front page of that Sunday’s paper, my wife holding up the coat bag with the store’s name emblazoned across picture. I believe that I got the coat early, the element of surprise having completely evaporated. I did it again this year, too. It came about three weeks ago. In the flurry of deliveries, I opened it up, and thinking that Her Ladyship had put in an advance order for a book, congratulated her because it was something I really wanted to read. A prequel to a trilogy that I read years ago. Actually, not a preorder. It was my birthday surprise from the Daughter. Oops. Actually, it’s an excellent book. I enjoyed it very much, and just finished it a couple of days before my birthday, so all good.
It’s now well past Black Sunday. I know, I know. Many of the retailers, judging by their holiday sale notices, have developed a diminishing scale of savings packages. I guess it’s their way of pointing the finger of reproof at those of us that didn’t go out during the clearly defined time frame or purchase those highly sought gift options online. I know I’ve only ordered stuff that we need, like food and a new can opener because the old one broke. Thirty percent off until 2 AM some time this week, down to fifteen percent by next weekend, but not on previous sale items, and then up 10% by Pearl-Gray Friday or Amethyst Tuesday at the latest. By then, the new Lincolns and everyone’s anxiety will have bounced back. If only my Powerball ticket had been a winner, and I could be looking at real estate options in Monaco or a Greek island. Oh, well, can’t go there anyway – they’re not letting Americans in. Another lost opportunity.
Happy Christmas shopping, Everyone!
I'm Thinking...No! 