Have you noticed lately that scammers are becoming just a bit more assertive? A little too demanding? They plunge right in with personal information. One particularly persistent one tells me that he’s responding to our inquiry with “the information we requested about back pain.” As neither of us has solicited anything relating to back pain, it’s a little suspicious. Perhaps overly bold might be a better term for what we’re now seeing.
I received a phone call yesterday, with caller identification listing a name which I suspect may be fictitious, and the voice on the other end asked for Her Ladyship. I, of course, as her administrative assistant, am charged with screening her calls. There are just a few select people from which she’ll receive calls, and never during her “prime detective” time. For the uninformed, that’s broadcasts of “The Closer”, “Major Crimes”, “Law and Order”, or “Rizzoli and Isles”. My mother in her time referred to them as ‘shoot ‘em ups”, but I digress. It is my responsibility to determine if the calls are legitimate or not, and in the vast majority of cases, they’re not.
Anyway, this caller, who I suspect was not actually “D Bacon”, purported to be from Medicare, and had urgent questions about our benefits. As I told her, in an equally terse tone that Herself could not come to the phone, and would she please be so kind as to remove this number from her “call” list. That’s when she turned really snippy and the conversation headed south. “I need to talk to her about her benefits right now.” I get it – she’s tired. It’s almost 5:30 PM, and possibly 4 PM tomorrow at wherever she is. I declined once again, and had that satisfying “click” to end the conversation.
So, my central question is, if these folks are calling to essentially wheedle vital information from me in preparation for identify theft or whatever their nefarious purpose, do they in fact have the right to be nasty to me as well? I would think that gracious scammer would get much farther than someone with an attitude. As the t-shirt says, “I’m told I have an attitude.” Yes, that, I would think, is a black mark against the truly masterful scammer. I’m reminded that, during Detective Colombo’s questioning, the murderer always presented a smiling, pleasant demeanor until Dawn Broke Over Marblehead and he or she realized how much trouble they were in. Then they turned churlish and defiant.
About a year ago, I received a call from a person claiming to be from Publishers Clearing House. You all know, I’m sure, that I’m right on the cusp of winning big there. In fact, I’m now Presidential Platinum PLUS status, which along with a few dollars buys me a medium coffee, cream only. This did not, I should say, come up on PCH on caller id. It could well have been that Nigerian prince that’s been contacting a number of us. Anyway, he told me that I’d won 8 million dollars, and the check was sitting on his desk awaiting my instructions. It caught me in a moment of amusement, so I played along. I was informed that I needed to get a money order for about $5,000 for “transition costs”, and then the 8 million was all mine. I declined, politely I thought given my usual impulse, and hung up. Not a minute later, the Prince called back and stated in a most indignant tone, “You hung up on me!” I politely, or so I thought, told him to hold on because it was about happen to him again.
We get regular, unsolicited calls from Medicare supplements, extended warranties for our cars, lowering our credit card interest, and generally making life so much easier and well protected. Once in a while, I’ll get a call, again from a bogus number, telling me that they’re from Amazon and that there has been “suspicious activity” on our Amazon accounts. I check the credit card we use for Amazon, and as there’s nothing suspicious, nor any charges I don’t recognize. I’ll assume it’s another playful call center pulling my leg. So too do we get calls purporting to be from Apple, investigating illegal activity on my computer. If I would just open it up, they’ll go in and investigate. Very thoughtful and considerate, these hackers. D Bacon could learn a great deal from them.
The thing is, the scammers need to be just a little more believable. Would someone sounding like a character on Big Bang Theory really be contacting me from Ames, Iowa? No. I’m guessing that the heavily accented population in Ames is pretty small. If it came up, “Private Number – Uzbekistan” or “Basement Call Center in Indonesia”, then ok. Perhaps. The reality is that these folks are trying to get my personal information for illicit purposes. What right do they have to adopt a confrontational tone with me? To make it worse, they often call early in the morning when I’m in “morning mode” – robe and slippers, reading the newspaper, first cup of coffee, or right at dinner time. I’ve often thought of Jerry Seinfeld’s great telephone routine. He tells the call that he’s not interested, but “if you give me your home phone number, I’ll call you back at dinner time.” Pause. “Oh, you find that annoying too?”
Many of us have, from time to time, requested to be put on a “No Call List”. I’ve done that more times than I can count, and I’m not sure where that goes. Anyway, it’s not happening – they’re still coming through regularly. I was told that charities and political campaigns were exempt. At first they were pretty much confined to our landline. Yes, we have one of those because Her Ladyship prefers it. Now, with increasing frequency, they seem to be coming through on cells too. At least they give me a warning – “Possible Spam”. Thank you. I appreciate the heads up.
So, getting back to the original premise, I have a thought. It’s not a solution by any means. A solution would be foolproof screening of these calls. In the absence of that, however, I think we should put phone sex operators to work properly training telemarketers and scammers. Let’s teach these people to speak clearly, in well-modulated tones. They won’t say, “Hi, I’m Ma%$@%^%^@:” calling from (mumble, mumble, mumble) about your (more mumble, mumble, mumble). When I ask him or her to please repeat it, the warm, friendly tone of the conversation begins to sour. The caramelized onions have been snatched off the naked pork chop. They raise their voices a bit, and that’s the point where we both realize this is going nowhere. I’m sure they can hear the hairs on the back of my neck going straight out, and I can hear their frustration building. They’re going to have to skip down a couple of lines on the call sheet to the more urgent stuff. That’s where I utter the dreaded lines, “We’re all set with . . . ., Would you please remove this number for your call list.” That’s it. The note of desperation in their voice has been replaced by bitter resentment tinged with fury. “Have a nice day” sounds like the wrap-up to an Adolf Hitler speech. If the tone could kill, sparks would erupt from the phone and I’d be stretched out on the floor.
So, my recommendations to hackers and scam centers across the globe are these.
- Accept that the vast majority of your calls will be fruitless, so don’t escalate the hostility. Quit while you’re behind.
- Find out where this call is going, and pick a reasonable hour to make it. We don’t care what time it is in your locale. [NOTE: if you call during my nap time, I’ll add whole new meaning and dimension to the term, “surly”.]
- Gently replace the headset or receiver. An angry “click” won’t encourage us the next time, or the next few hundred times you call back.
- Lose the line, “We’ve been trying to reach you”. It makes you sound annoyed and desperate. It’s somewhat like, “Your call is important to us” after we’ve been hanging on patiently for 45 minutes to reach customer service. Mixed messages here. Possibly, “Thank you so much for picking up. I can’t leave a message as the Feds might be tracking this call” in a sex line operator voice would be a more enticing start.
I'm Thinking...No! 