We’re reminded, bombarded actually, on a daily basis about the importance of exercise and physical fitness, particularly for seniors. It is annoying to see those seniors striding along the beach at a brisk pace, making a complete mockery of retirement. In the interests of making this blog informative, timely, and useful, I’ve developed my own regimen that I think could work on all levels for my faithful readers. I will say that Her Ladyship, in all seriousness, does a fair bit of walking, and completes her cardio lifting faithfully every day. She’s far more disciplined than I, but I do my bit to help out by tickling her on her way to and from the bedroom and as she gets in and out of the shower. It’s all positive and stimulating, at least for me. My readers will remember I mentioned the Gilbo Slapping Reflex, GSR for short, which she inherited from her grandmother, who was a champion slapper. That kicks in here on occasion. But I digress.
Some of my exercises are modified fitness routines of others, and I’ve adapted some to suit my needs. I will say that my “core” has never been stronger, although personal trainers may disagree, and thus far, no major health and fitness organizations have contacted me to use my ideas.iuDownward Facing Dog: This usually precedes a lunge to retrieve something I’ve dropped. It may be something small, like a container of pills, tooth paste or toothbrush, silverware. In the event that it’s something breakable – dishes or glasses, it will be followed by the Downward Sweeping Dog, utilizing dustpan and brush. Closely related to this exercise is the famed Vegetable Toe Touch, which happens when I’m chopping onions, peppers, cubing potatoes, that sort of thing. Small bits attempt their escape to freedom by taking flight, usually landing on the floor and then sliding under the island or the lower cabinets, where I’m force to bend down deeply to retrieve them. They’re usually wet and slippery, so picking them up takes multiple attempts, thus extending the exercise and making it more extensive and fitness-inducing. The Bottle Cap Toe Touch is similar, although the caps have been known to drop and roll, sometimes completely out of the room. A parallel vocal exercise is the Tapestry of Profanities, coming either during or shortly after the Bottle Cap.
Unintentional Thrusts: Like the Downward Lunging Dog, it typically comes as I’m picking up something that’s on or near the floor – shoes or slippers, books that reside on lower bookshelves, for example. This also happens on the rare occasions when I’m dusting. Our cleaning lady heads to Florida right after Christmas, and doesn’t return until April, so this is more a seasonal exercise.
Gardening Lunge: This is fairly frequent as I install new plants outside, or as we say here, squandering the Princess’s inheritance. There is usually quite a bit in May and June. After that, it tapers to weeding, adding mulch, and deadheading, although some spot planting continues as empty areas appear. I will say that I don’t kneel much when working in the garden. That’s because I may or may not be able to get back up. It’s so embarrassing explaining to the 911 folks that I was putting in groundcover and I need the jaws of life to get me back to a vertical position. A friend recently told me that she has one of those kneeler / benches for working outside. I may try that, or just keep to my system of using long-handled tools.
Step Counting: Yes, I don’t actually do this, but if I did, I know that lots and lots of steps would result from trips to the bathroom about 16 times a day. The deadly combination of aging bladder and cholesterol medicine require . . . . . . well, I leave it to your imagination. This is also part of the “diminished memory” package, where I flit from room to room trying to remember what I went into the bedroom for, or what I was about to do in the kitchen. There are beaucoup steps associated with memory loss. This happens as well in the grocery store. Despite my lists, I move with grace and assurance back and forth, up and down the aisles as I review my shopping lists. Each shopping expedition contains a number of incidents of déjà vu, where I find myself in an aisle where I just was moments before. I recognize the items from minutes ago, which I take as a good sign, and for validation, there are lots of other people doing the same thing because we greet each other as fellow travelers. Our dear friend Lady Peacock was taking daily walks around her neighborhood until she reported sightings of mountain lions (I suspect they were actually bobcats) in the area around Teale Cottage, so the walks were suspended until the National Wildlife Federation could investigate.
Senior Stretch: This is less frequent, but happens again in the grocery store when I see some dear soul that’s about four feet tall looking up pathetically at the top shelf. I often volunteer to retrieve something for them, receiving a grateful and relieved look. It gives me a warm feeling, like making a donation to Goodwill. There is also the TP lunge, when you are you-know-where using you-know-what. Is it me, or was this much easier twenty years ago? Now, it’s more effort and happens more often.
Shower Door Squeegee: This is a very important upper body exercise, and one sadly lost to those with the traditional shower curtain. It’s up-and-down, and side-to-side, developing the rotator cuff should one wish to enter Major League Baseball late in life. We have a protocol in our house. The Princess, when she’s home, uses our bathroom, called the “Enchanted Grotto” after a memorable episode of “Frasier.” She will break all land speed records and muscle her way into the shower ahead of her father just so she won’t have to squeegee the shower door. Exercises in Futility: Opening those microscopically thin plastic bags in the produce section of the supermarket, for example. I stood for 10 minutes yesterday working on this, and finally just put the bag in the shopping cart (because, as a civic-minded shopper, I couldn’t just drop it on the floor with the disgust I wanted to convey). Keeping up with the laundry. Here’s another that constantly confronts us. As soon as the hamper is emptied, it’s full again. How does that happen? If we all just wore fewer clothes . . . . . . no, forget that. Bad idea. Balancing the checkbook. An intellectual pursuit, perhaps, but it’s easier to go online and take what the bank gives me. If there’s a mistake, it’s most likely my fault anyway. Unsubscribing from an advertiser to my email. Yeah, that won’t happen any more than asking that person calling about my extended car warranty to please stop. Watering the gardens and washing the car. I know, right? A sure sign of rain.
So, as I watch videos of President Biden on his Peloton, going mile after mile, I think to myself, “Come on, Joe, you’re putting all of us to shame. Take it easy – chop an onion or empty a wastebasket. Go to the Rose Garden and clip some spent blooms or spread some mulch.” It must be virtually the same. If I were to ask a physical therapist or a personal trainer, though, their answer will be, “I’m thinking, . . . . . . . . . nice try, but no.”
I'm Thinking...No! 