Well, here we are after a week of Olympic fanfare. It’s that time again for the THREE S’s – Skiing, Skating, and Sliding. Things are going along nicely, with all the typical drama – a Russian skater testing positive for something she probably took to clear her nasal congestion. Although it’s tough to tell. Remember when there was an East Germany, and they were superhuman until we realized that many of them were taking all kinds of performance-enhancing stuff that put them on a level with The Avengers. So, here’s what’s been happening so far.
The curling “round robin” is moving forward. I find this a sport that should really attract housekeepers, as by gully, can they sweep with frenzy. For those unenlightened about curling, it’s sort of the shuffleboard on ice. They slide a large object called a “rock” toward a large bullseye on the end of the ice. The closer they get, the better, as I understand it. The sweeper folks, officially known as “sweeps”, have little brushes that they use to influence the direction and speed of the rock. There is an incomprehensible scoring system, not unlike cricket, which results in points awarded and the US team coming up short. We lost to Norway yesterday, but that’s not unexpected. Those countries with lots of snow and snowy mountains always see to do very well in the Winter Olympics, as opposed to the US, which seems to clean up in the Summer games. So, on balance . . . . . . Right now, Norway is doing very well, along with Germany, Austria, Sweden, and Switzerland. China too is doing well, which is nice for the host country, while the Russian team is preparing to bobsled into the Ukraine. Equatorial Africa, as one would expect, is far down the list of medals.
Many of us have been watching the Biathlon. That’s one of those quirky events that pairs cross country skiing with shooting. Why shooting is included here, I have no idea, nor can I conceive of anyone even thinking about combining them. I remember Jerry Seinfeld’s great line – “How many alpine snipers are training for this?” One can visualize the sponsorship posters and uniform endorsements: “Firearms and ammo provided by the National Rifle Association.” How is the scoring done for his event? I get that the skiing component is timed like any race, but the shooting puzzles me. Are points awarded for the numbers of spectators picked off? If I were in Beijing, I’d watch the figure skating – it’s much safer.
We had the luge, again an absolutely captivating sport in which one slides down an icy track on something that looks like about half of the sleds we used as children. Apparently one can steer them by, well, I have no idea, but from the critiques I hear, pointing one’s toes comes into it significantly. Every so often, they go up on the retaining walls, and that’s a bad thing because a) it slows the luger down and b) you can tip over. Apparently, most lugers are very attractive young men, as Her Ladyship pointed out to me. On in particular, from Finland, got her pulse racing She’s hoping they’ll put out a calendar. For those that aren’t excited enough by this event, there is a further refinement, called “the skeleton”, in which the athlete races down the track on this tiny sled head-first. This event will, within the decade, be renamed the “Concussion Protocol”.
Ski jumping is coming up, but before that, I should note that it seems it wasn’t quite dangerous enough for humans to attach two planks to their feet, sliding down a steep slope to an upturned “jump”, where they go sailing off in air and hope to land on two feet farther down the hill. Many do, and some just miss. The skiis aren’t aligned, and they come down, bend their knees, tip over and do a combination of cart-wheel and roll-over. Amazingly, most that finish this way get up and walk off on their own. Were this me, I’d give the immediate signal for a stretcher a crew of medics. I’d also book a suite at the local hospital in advance so my bases were covered. But, as I mentioned above, this isn’t nearly dangerous enough, so athletes have developed “snowboarding”. Not a single jump, no, no. These runs have a series of straight jumps, curly-cues, one the commentators referred to as “twisted sisters”. Not being content to fly off into the atmosphere, these folks do flips, loops, and other fanciful contortions in the air, which adds color, interest, and the potential for disaster. Here again, they seem to be fully able to get up and walk off, leading to my suspicion that their bones and muscles have been replaced with rubber inserts. But don’t put that out yet as I’m still confirming with a couple of alt right websites. An added feature of the snowboarding events seems to be that, when disaster happens, they go to some remote spot where only the cameras can find them, crouch by the fence, wrap their arms around their knees, put head down, and try to figure out what went wrong. They’re also presumably trying to figure out why they invested four years of their lives preparing for this moment of global embarrassment. Never having been an athlete, professional or otherwise, I probably will never understand the level of intense disappointment that accompanies lack of success. I usually figure that they’re better people than I just for making the effort.
Finally, we come to the skating events. Figure skating has some of the best terms in the Olympics, like the ‘axel’, the ‘camel spin’, the ‘besti squat’, and the ‘lutz’. Many of these are for jumps that figure skaters are required to include in their routines. Axels and lutzs also have a certain number of spins they need to make – hence in a “triple” axel, the skater needs to spin three times. I personally think that once, possibly twice is more than enough – let’s not get hurt. They also do those fancy spins, tight twirls while they go down and back up. My guess is that the first skaters to attempt them named them the “make yourself dizzy” spin. Ice dancing is similar to figure skating, without the required jumps and spins and with better music and generally more ridiculous costuming. It’s quite possible that, with most theatre venues shut down, a number of costume designers have drifted into the world of skating.
Speed skating as always fascinated me. They’re going round and round, tilting on the corners and hoping to heaven they don’t tilt too much and run into the barriers. The outfits are particularly fetching – the spandex body suit extending over the head. Only the face peaks out. They remind me just a bit of those graphics in the sex ed videos from middle school. And just about the time they’ve crept into the lead, the lanes change and now they’re behind again. What’s with that? You have to endure a few more laps to overtake the leader. It’s like the Kentucky Derby on ice.
The US Men’s hockey team beat Canada yesterday, 4-2. That must have been disappointing for the Canadian team as most of the US team is either Canadian or Croatian. Up until a few decades ago, we imported most of our hockey players, both Olympian and professional, from Canada. But I digress.
Best wishes to all of our Olympians. You all do us proud. And remember, if you’re a luger, curl those toes. If you curl, make sure those brooms are clean and bristly. All snowboarders watch out for the Twisted Sisters – they can be nasty. We lift a glass to all who compete, not just those than win a medal. I may have mentioned, although modesty prevents me from “making a meal” of it, that I was aluminum medalist in the 50-yard Walkway Shovel a few years back. I lost some time on the Ice Melt Spread, but still. Highly satisfying.
I'm Thinking...No! 