A few years ago, I had a cd of Steve Martin’s stand-up comedy. In it, he mentioned that he’d bought some “really stupid stuff”. I can’t recall all the items, but one such was a “gas-powered turtle neck”. It seems to me that appearing on the horizon are a number of items that might be approaching this category. They may have a purpose, but do we really, really, need them?
For example, there’s an ad for a product that is calming for cats. Ok. Maybe it’s just me, if your pet cat is that anxious and stressed (and I have no idea what could cause a housecat stress), perhaps a more permanent solution between you and your vet should be found. One thing, that I dare not mention here because I’ll get hate mail from cat lovers, comes immediately to mind. To my knowledge, I don’t recall seeing a similar product for aggressive dogs, you know the kind. Those are the dogs that leap at the car window, fangs bared, when they’re locked up in the mall parking lot. Or are dragging their helpless owners down the street for “walkies”. If your pets aren’t pampered enough, here are some great items. A canine “sprinkling splash pool”. Just the thing for your puppy that’s just a bit warm, and a real water-waster too. As if we don’t have enough environmental problems. I saw too in a catalog, carbon filters for something called a “whisper quiet ceramic pet fountain”. I don’t know what a pet fountain is, and I don’t want to know. Perhaps a water feature for quiet evenings when your pooch kicks back with a bowl of wine after an exhausting day of napping and chasing squirrels. Then I came across a “3-tier kitty tower”. I’m not making this up. It looks like a multilevel tent, with cats looking out from three levels. All it needs is a tiny elevator to get Mr. Sprinkles to the penthouse.
Also advertised on television are medical devices that send you constant info updates. Now, I do understand the need, with some chronic medical conditions, to monitor. That only makes sense. However, that thing that sends your blood pressure and sugar levels to your phone every 5 minutes seems better suited to someone in a hospital room than a living room.
Here’s a great idea. A tray that clips onto the steering wheel of the car. Yes, yes, I know. It’s intended to be used only when the car isn’t moving. I get it, but can’t you just see some fool driving down the highway with buffet spread out in front of them? I’ve seen, on the highway mind you, people shaving, applying makeup, reading a newspaper, and most interestingly, a drummer practicing with drumsticks on the steering wheel. So why not a snack too? Distracted driving isn’t just for obsessive texters.
It’s bad enough that people dress up their pets – kitty sweaters, dog capes and hats. Now, we feel a need for dressing up trees. I know. Apparently, that stately elm in the front yard isn’t enough on its own. We need to attach faces and appendages to “enhance” the world of nature. My favorite, from those I’ve seen, is the “Gnome In the Window” tree décor. This item features a tiny creature peaking sitting on a tiny windowsill, with windows open. There are no window treatments, so that will be the next niche market from home decorating networks everywhere. Tree décor. Do we need this? Why not just replant the trees that we cut down with random abandon.
In one catalog, they advertise a line of toilet seat decals. Doesn’t one again shake one’s head and wonder what in God’s name the mastermind behind this was thinking? The adorable example in the ad is a squirrel peering out of the toilet bowl. There is a quote I heard from some time ago – something to do with “underestimating the tastes of . . . . .” You get the idea. This creative genius really aimed incredibly low, and fully hit the mark. Further along in that same catalog, there is a “hand-operated butter churner”. Now I may be wrong, but didn’t butter churns go out of fashion long about the Spanish-American War? They were replaced by . . . I think they’re called supermarkets. So, yes, let’s bring back laborious, repetitive, and largely unneeded tasks like churning butter.
I saw recently an item both intriguing and a little frightening. A “person air purifier”. It goes around your neck and purifies your immediate air space – up to about two feet. Unless you are on an airplane or trapped in an underground bunker, I don’t see a compelling need for this. It could perhaps be an ideal gift for the uber germaphobe. You know, the ones walking around with wearing rubber gloves and spritzing the air in front and beside them. The same manufacturer makes a “personal fan” too. It goes around your neck and has two tiny fans blowing at your face. For those whose body temperature is out of whack, this could be something really useful. I see a bit of a problem, though, for those using it. Someone in the next seat will have germs blown all over them, and their personal purifier will be working overtime. This too for your nearest and dearest germophobe – a “touchless soap dispenser”. Haven’t we all wondered and worried about the little pump handles on soap dispensers? Those are just waiting to start the next pandemic. And if you’re still using bar soap, well, you might as well also be using a chamber pot and heating water on a wood stove.
For those with swimming pools, you can now get a floating lounger that is motorized and paddles you to, well, wherever. It comes with steering toggles. I guess that putting your hands in the water and paddling by hand is just too mundane. Newer models will come with censors to let you know if you’re bumping in to the side of the pool.
Cars now come with a wide variety of new technological devices that promote safety, which is good, and personal comfort, which is bordering on the preposterous. I get the logic of lane change warnings and speed warning. On a side note, I’ve seen some would-be James Bond drivers on the highway. They need a device that slows the engine while steering the car to the side and to a stop well off the road. Then a synthetic hand should emerge from the steering wheel and slap the driver smartly several times before issuing instructions for safe driving. Our friend Lady Peacock just got a new car, and thank God she finally got her heated steering wheel. Can you imagine driving a car with a cold steering wheel? That’s apparently as unthinkable as, oh, I don’t know, maybe wearing gloves. For those that think self-driving cars are a distant dream, we do have cars that parallel park themselves, that apply the brakes if the driver doesn’t, and that tell you if you’re wandering haplessly from lane to lane. They have backup cameras, letting you know that you’re heading into a parked car, and in some cases, if you have a poor track record, your car won’t start until it’s checked your breath for alcohol level. While I think all of this safety technology is very good, I have a concern that drivers will become more reliant, and thus perhaps less engaged than they have been. And I won’t even go into how much Alexa controls our lives. It’s just a matter of time before we won’t be able to turn on a living room lamp by ourselves.
There is no limit to the creative possibilities of the human brain. We’re constantly marching forward in the future with firm belief in the benefits of technology to make our lives easier. And going hand in hand with technology is an equally firm commitment to explore that which produces little that is truly useful or makes us safer, but just, somehow, seems to capture our imagination and delights us.
A tip of the hat to my Irish readers on Saint Patrick’s Day. I saw a wall plaque (perhaps I look at too many catalogs) recently that I found hilarious. It said, “You know you’re Irish when you have absolutely no idea how to make a long story short.” Warmest regards.
I'm Thinking...No! 