In previous writings, I’ve outlined some serious issues concerning Christmas Decorations, and, as folks have largely ignored my thoughts, I’m going to present here a legislative agenda regarding the deployment of said decorations. It’s high time we began to use some discretion when it comes to lights, animated bits of frivolity, blow-up statuary, etc., etc. This has all come about because, on my way to my weekly medical treatments, I noticed that some people have been, shall we say, busy little “decorating” beavers. I plan to send this to my congressional delegation in the hope that some meaningful government action can be implemented to curb the tasteless, the gaudy, and the unnecessarily “bright” holiday décor.
Part the First: Excluding retailers, who have to “get their wares” out to the public, home decorating should not commence before the first weekend of December. Enjoy the earth tones, people!! We’ll have more than a month to be staring at reds, greens, and golds, along with stray blues and silvers. (Some folks, probably working for HGTV, have been working overtime to promote alternate color pallets for Christmas. Let’s back that off a bit). Plans should be well underway to remove Christmas decorations by the first week of January. Plenty of time to enjoy the season, but if you’re like I am, one more Christmas carol by New Years and I cannot be held accountable for my actions. The joy and miracle of Christmas has run its course by the time we’re watching the Tournament of Roses Parade. We have a tradition in our house – if the tree and other festive trappings of the holiday aren’t down and packed away on New Year’s Day, somebody please call 911 because we’re probably dead. Some of you reading this may need a period of withdrawal. Ok, I get that. You should take things down a piece or two a day, until a hard deadline of January 15th, when there should be no, and I mean NO vestiges of Christmas on display on your property. In the absence of true interest by local constabularies, the Christmas Decoration Removal Enforcement Team (CDRET for short) should be activated in every community, and at this point should be standing by ready to search and seize.
Part the Second: No more than three (3) inflatable decorations may be installed in any one front yard. This is a true lapse in aesthetic judgement, no doubt propagated by insurgent third world manufacturers, to lure Americans into thinking that the holidays are enhance by the truly tacky. Some front yards haven’t even reached the point of inflating them, so we see literally dozens of colorful yet lifeless reindeer, angels, and elves lying on the ground. For heaven sake, pump them up, but pay attention to the first sentence above. Please remember that more isn’t necessarily better. Some folks combine the “inflatables” with plywood cutouts that Grampa made years ago. (And he should have applied his carpentry skills to something more artistically pleasing. Thanks for that, Grampa.). Large nativity scenes, combined with a few small animals no doubt left over from Easter but that have acquired red hats and scarves, clutter up the front yard in random display. Most every square foot of ground has a “trophy”. Sadly, any passing motorists that share similar interests are liable to slow down and cause a ten-car pileup.
Part the Third: Lighting should illuminate the front of the house and two trees at most. Really, some folks want their houses to be visible from Skylab. That’s totally unnecessary. It forces your neighbors to purchase blackout curtains just to sleep. And turn off the lights at bedtime. I noticed one of our village neighbors keeps their tree out front lit all night. It was blazing away at 3:30 this morning. A total waste of electricity. If you are partial to lit nativities, and reindeer seem to be particularly popular, along with Wise Men and camels, please resist the urge. We don’t need to see Rudolph lit up with a flashing red nose in your front yard. It screams that the décor in your house is probably much worse. When one visits a yard sale, and sees table after table of ugly knickknacks, and I think to myself, “Who on Earth would buy that?”, you are probably that buyer. Please, please, put your lights on a timer so you can enjoy them from the time it gets dark until you head to bed. And while you’re at it, if you are too lazy to take them down in the off season, don’t have lights at all. Nothing more ridiculous that fake icicles draped across your house in July. I know that some find outdoor lighting an attractive feature on pergolas, enclosed decks, and other patio structures. Our guidelines could allow that as a) they’re usually in the back yard and not visible to the whole street, and b) they can be enjoyed in the warm weather. This permission is intended for the little sparkle lights, not anything draped around deer, rabbits, animal sculptures, or anything that could be considered “lawn ornaments”. As a side note, when the Princess was little, she desperately wanted to have lights strung on a fir tree in the front yard. Every year, she’d talk about it. As the tree was taller than the house, that was daunting and a bit impractical without renting cherry picker. We compromised by my putting a small, elegant string of lights on the lilac bush next to the house. It was quite striking from the road. This is still referred to in our house each and every year with derision as the story of the “sad clump of lights on the lilac”.
If you’d prefer, I reprint here a condensed version from some years back. It still gives the decorator useable guidelines.
- If you can’t put it up in a day, it’s probably way more than the rest of us want to see.
- If it came from the forest, take it back home.
- If it’s plastic (or worse, inflatable), it stays in the store or belongs in a funhouse.
- If it stays on half the night, you’re wasting our electricity. Get yourself a windmill.
- If it hangs and tinkles in the wind, so should the person that put it up.
- Even the Wise Men left after a few days.
I'm Thinking...No! 