I’m doing a bit of “reblogging” here, because some things continue to be used too frequently – to the point that if we hear them again, something inside us is likely to snap. Do you have some buzzwords that cause you to roll your eyes when somebody says them? I’m sure that everyone does – words and phrases that they find running the gamut from mildly amusing the first few times we hear them to the unspeakably tiresome with each utterance. Often, it’s just the overuse of bits and pieces of language that cause our blood pressure to spike. Here are some that have embedded themselves in the culture, and it’s going to take some time and effort to snuff them out going forward.
There you are: that’s a family of them. “Playing it forward”, “forward-looking”, “paying it forward”, and any such phrases that use or misuse “forward” should be axed. What actually is “playing it forward”? Some people think of this as extending some gesture of kindness. Great. Just say, “now you keep doing that.” There are charitable foundations that have taken up the phrase, raising money for this or that. All I know is that I’m way too old to play anything forward beyond tomorrow’s lunch. Fashion people use phrases like “fashion-forward” and “forward-looking” to mean, as I understand it, anything totally outlandish that nobody in their right mind would wear. In that case, maybe the only true “fashion-forward” look is the Star Trek jumpsuit with some brightly colored insignia on the front. As comedian Jerry Seinfeld pointed out, everyone from the future seems to be end up in them. Anyone wanting to be truly “fashion-forward” can add a cape. But wait, didn’t all the characters in Game of Thrones have capes too? Capes go back centuries, so – new concept, everyone. “Fashion-Backwards”.
Speaking of “cutting edge”, who came up with that one? I suppose anyone wielding a large sword could be considered this. But when you think about it, is something “on the cutting edge” really bold and innovative, or just badly gashed? Film editors who use the phrase refer to “cutting edge”, usually meaning that some scene ends up on the cutting room floor – it didn’t work. Whenever someone uses that trendy phrase, I have a mental picture of a large paper cutter, lopping off excess. Or a dead branch in my garden. Hack something in two– now there’s “cutting edge”.
You see, “that’s what I’m talking about”. No, nobody does, because that’s a trite phrase used endlessly and typically out of any context. You may have held in in your mind, but didn’t say it out loud so we’re all taken a bit by surprise. It doesn’t generally refer to anything in particular except that the person using it is vaguely enthusiastic. People in House Hunters use it when they walk into a room they like. These same people tend to bounce from one random thought to another, making it impossible to “know what they’re talking about.”
I’m often mildly annoyed by the phrase, “across the pond” in reference to something British or found in the UK. The Atlantic Ocean isn’t really a “pond”, is it? It’s not like we’re crossing a creek in the back yard or staring at someone’s koi pond. Let’s agree to tell it like it is – “across that vast ocean”. And on another random phrase, when did owners of animals become “pet parents”? Is this a term foisted on us by pet stores and the pet food people, to somehow attach us more emotionally to our resident animals? It certainly seems that commercials for doggie treats have been getting out-of-hand, implying that if you’re giving your pet something with bone meal in it, you’re just minutes away from being arrest by animal control. One lady in a commercial actually said, and I’m not making this up, that she is a stay-at-home mom, but with two children, she shops online because her schedule is “hectic”. Really? Not really a pioneer mom, is she? You fail the “pet parent test” if you don’t have time to pick up a 10 pound sack of chow mix at the grocery store. I know that people love and take sometimes extreme care of their pets, but really, unless a human out there has given birth to a golden retriever, not really their parent. Do you have savings bonds put away for Gerbil College? Some people now have medical insurance for their pets, because pet health care has become so expensive. Maybe folks that have been trying so hard to repeal Obamacare ought to take a shot at pet care first before trying to deal with human health care. Mind you, there are any number of elected officials in Washington that rightfully should to be put down, but that’s fodder for another column. Remember when a car that didn’t just roll of the assembly line was “used”? That was apparently too negative for the ad people, so, voila – “pre-owned”. Means someone, or multiple people, drove it before you. Their name, or the bank’s, was on the title. Actually, if we’re totally literal, “pre-owned” means before it was a car – it was just bits and pieces at a Ford plant in Mexico. That’s truly pre-owned.
Customers on House Hunters refer to homes in developments as “cookie cutter”. Of course they are. Did you expect the building to hire a dozen different architects to make Pollyanna Drive distinctive? Of course they’re all similar. Most of us don’t really see that as a problem.
Some of us are old enough to remember when “breaking news” meant a major event – a war breaking out, a large plane crash, Congress in agreement or making a decision – something that was really worth our national attention. It was often preceded by the announcement, “we interrupt this broadcast for this special report.” Now, every news story seems to be “breaking news”. This may or may not be of striking interest. An elderly driver went through the front window of Dunkin Donuts. Several customers scampered away. End of story. No “further details” needed or wanted. A house fire, but the cat got out safely. The interviewed pet parent is in tears. Is this really the kind of thing that constitutes “breaking”? It’s barely worthy of broadcast time. Now that we have “fake news”, let’s invent a new category – “marginally news”. Of course, before we see the news item, there’s a moving graphic, “BREAKING NEWS!” coming at us like a locomotive. I should add here that the correspondents on location really need to stop interviewing the neighbors and passersby. Only one in roughly twelve should ever, ever, be seen or heard on camera. They didn’t know the victim(s) except to wave while putting out the trash, and became aware of the incident because they looked out a window, smelled smoke, or heard a “boom’. Thus, they’re in a total fog as to how the fire/stand-off/explosion/robbery/dump-truck-in-the-living-room could have happened in their quiet neighborhood.
It’s a safe bet that whoever coined the phrase, “no brainer” was speaking from personal experience. It typically connotes little to no thought is needed or given. Perhaps we can agree to use “no brainer” in its correct context – someone that usually fails to get the big picture, had a lobotomy, or perhaps has had an unfriendly encounter with a guillotine. (Louis XVI comes to mind here.) Another term that I somehow find irritating, though it is a perfectly good word, is “stakeholder”. Does the person holding the stake have some proprietary rights? Often used to imply an inclusive, expanded community of concerned people, my mind’s eye instead sees a barbarian wrapped in animal pelts holding a large spear in one hand and a dead beaver in the other. Now, that stakeholder knows how to work it.
“Literally” is a word whose meaning has been, well, literally corrupted. When I was studying English, back in the epoch of ink-stained hands and parchment, the term meant exactly or without exaggeration. Now, however, literally everyone on the planet is using it randomly sprinkled into conversation to stress a point, to enhance their narrative, or to highlight parts of their journey. This is a test – how many annoying terms are in that last sentence? Marco Polo, Lewis and Clark, Magellan – they had real journeys. Geoffrey Chaucer and Ernest Hemmingway could legitimately lay claim to narratives. Of the seven billion plus inhabitants of this world, maybe a few thousand have had a true “journey”, and even fewer should bother writing about them. The rest of us mosey through life with possible glimpses of greatness, moments of satisfaction, a sprinkling of potholes, speed bumps, and detours. Most people live in well-deserved obscurity. They have fully earned the right not to tell us about it. Their life stories aren’t, nor have they ever been a “journey”. We don’t need them to “tell their stories”. In fact, many shouldn’t even have internet access, let alone a global audience. They need to leave all that “sharing” to those of us that are truly insightful and delightfully entertaining.
We teachers have come up with our fair share of confusing, irritating, and provocative jargon. Let’s start by referring to what we do as “pedagogy.” The theoretical art of teaching. (Sidebar: anything with “gogy” in it makes me giggle.) Couldn’t just call it “teaching”. Of course not, that’s too simple. To give credit where credit is due, much of the lunacy in educational verbiage comes from colleges, consultants, and those selling books. Mid-terms weren’t quite professional enough, so voila, “interim assessments”. Really? Couldn’t just say, “want to see how kids are doing along the way”, but noooooooo. “Anchor Standards” and “benchmarks” are the really, really important ideas we should be carving into park benches, right? Or maybe we could attach fifth grade test results to the price of crude oil and the Dow Jones average. “In BREAKING NEWS today, grade 10 algebra scores edged up an eighth of a point to 3x squared, showing gains in the Pythagorean Theorem, while US history is rebounding from a two-year slump in the Industrial Revolution. The Civil War and the Westward Expansion are gaining momentum going into the third quarter.” I know, that could be “politically incorrect”. Now there’s a redundant phrase. If it’s political, not a huge leap to “probably wrong”. At some point, almost anything that humans have devised for political purposes pretty much stand in opposition to common sense or the collective good. The moment I hear someone say, “it’s a political issue”, that typically means that logic and reason have flown the coop.
Now I should revise my “vision”, so I can update my “mission statement.” All of this lamentation about the human condition (I mean, literally, is that a thing?) has moved my narrative well away from the cutting edge, so I’ll just leave it to my fellow bloggers to play it forward. Now, you see, that’s what I’m talking about.
I'm Thinking...No! 