That the weather seems to thwart my gardening? Last summer, we were under drought alert with water restrictions, so only the hardiest, most drought-resistant survived. This year, the opposite. We’ve had regular, almost daily rainfall. Here it is late August and I haven’t had to turn on the hose once. Instead of watering the containers, I’m having to empty them out regularly. It’s nice that much of the vegetation is lush and green, but it’s also been slug-heaven, with mildew and mushrooms popping up everywhere. So, Mother Nature, dear, I really need to know where you’re going with this. Is this going to be a cycle, for which I can plan, or are you striking out whimsically to keep me off guard? The wild bunnies that regularly snack in my gardens seem to have an “oh, you’ve changed the menu” look in their eyes as they stare at me while feasting. Even Monty Don, the Lord of Gardener’s World, is stating on a regular basis, “Because it’s been such a . . . . year (and you can fill in the blanks: cold, warm, wet, dry, unseasonably) I’m taking out water lilies in the wet garden and putting in cactus.” Yes, it’s confounding all of us. The growing seasons are shifting and confusing – much like the age-old question, “When will pumpkin spice appear in the coffee shops?” (Answer: it already has.)
I don’t mean to be indelicate here and offend my faithful readers, but I’ve been putting on underwear for years – yes, I’m not the type to go without – and now, for some reason, it’s taken to fighting me on this. I’ve written extensively and made my views known on inanimate objects that thwart me. But in recent years, putting on the simplest of garments is now a chore. There was a t-shirt in a catalog recently that said, “I used to be able to turn cartwheels. Now I fall over putting on underpants.” That about sums it up. My feet get caught in the leg holes, and then they stretch in an effort to pull me over. Gravity is, of course, in cahoots with underpants to cause me bodily harm. It used to be that I could put it on in one swift, fluid motion. Now I have to sit down and work laboriously. It’s rather, if I may again be indelicate, like toenails. The less able we are to bend over and clip them, the faster they grow. Statisticians call this, I believe, a reverse ration. Society is building a repertoire of “stand-up to” days for everything from sickness to motorcycle rallies, so perhaps it’s time for a “Stand Up to Underwear Day”, specifically for seniors or the chronically clumsy.
On a broader scale, and my readers may have noticed this too, but as I get older, gravity is less and less my friend. My fingers can’t grasp things as they used to (maybe they never did!!), but I seem to be dropping things at an alarming rate, and bending over to pick them up gets more and more painful. I used to be able to work in the garden for hours, bending over to pull weeds and plant new stuff. Now, anything more than a half hour to an hour will require bedrest for a day or two and a regimen of Tylenol. Yes, it’s come to that. I stare at the weeds in hopes that they’ll sense my displeasure and uproot themselves, but they don’t. Kitchen utensils fall out of my hands with abandon, and look up at me with amusement from the floor. I know what you’re going to say – get one of those long-handled grabbers. Yes, I have one, but it’s usually several rooms away from where and when I need it. So, I propose a new law of gravity. Anything that wrests itself from my grasp has to hover in front of me for five to ten seconds before falling to the floor, allowing me to grab on to it again. Inventors everywhere, I invite you to get on this immediately.
Next, I’d like to point out some really spectacularly bad ideas that I’m sure, at the time they were developed seemed like great ones. For example, who is the bright light that thought putting cream cheese in foil wrapping? If you leave it out to come up to room temperature, half of the cheese stays in the wrapping. You can’t pop it into the microwave to warm it, because, well, foil and microwaves don’t play nicely together. All in all, it would appear on the surface to be a healthy precaution, but in reality, it’s a pain. I’d also like to recommend that folks packaging sticks of butter not use transparent paper – tint it nice color like green or blue, so you can see that it’s all off. I warmed up a stick the other day, only to find a bit of the wrapping paper floating on the surface. Finally, to those that are involved in the process of gluing the liners of cereal boxes and crackers, would it be possible to come up with a “senior liner”, boldly printed on the outside of the box, indicating that it will come apart more easily? Right now, I tug and tug at those things with all of my rapidly aging strength, finally having to pull out some scissors to cut off the top. Yes, again I get that you’re protecting us by making the seals secure. But it is like the running gag with the bags of potato chips, which finally come open and explode all over the room.
I’ve written before, extensively and perhaps to excess, about the plastics industry that’s out to get us. Once again, I was trying to open something just the other day that had come embedded in an impenetrable plastic sarcophagus. After I’d finally got it open and bandaged up my fingers, I was too tired to use it. I still think of the hilarious scene from “Curb Your Enthusiasm”, where Larry David is trying to get out light bulbs, and they’re not coming out easily. He eventually grabs a hammer and bashes them all to bits. Didn’t solve the lightbulb issue, but I’m sure he felt better. I understand the need to make food items sanitary, but small tools like screwdrivers, or batteries? Do they need to be completely germ-free? And while we’re on the subject of extreme plastic wrappers, is it just me, or are packages of paper towel, toilet paper, napkins, and other paper goods getting harder and harder to open? Maybe if I were back in my street gang days and carrying a switchblade, it wouldn’t be so bad. I do appreciate the effort that Amazon goes to in its packaging, but again, is a razorblade to open up those packages really necessary? They could just send everything through the US Postal Service. It might take longer for shipping, but those folks manage to break down boxes, shred and tear open packages with a high degree of precision and success.
Some new running shoes I picked up about a year ago are quite comfortable, and to answer your raised eyebrows, no, I don’t run unless being chased by wild animals. Even then, it’s a questionable proposition. The bottom tread was, I believe, designed by engineers at Michelin for a line of racing tires. The problem is that they squeak constantly. You can hear me entering a room, coming down a hallway, or particularly annoying, going into a medical waiting area. Everyone in attendance looks up, even the nurses at my doctor’s appointment two weeks ago, like I’m doing it on purpose. My question is, did anyone bother to test this pattern before deciding to install it on shoes? They’d be virtually useless to any contemplating burglary, spying, or any occupation that requires secrecy. On the plus side, probably pretty good in snow, but I don’t typically wear sneakers out in a blizzard. We have tiled and hardwood floors here at home, so I keep everyone, primarily Her Ladyship, constantly up to date on my movements.
Finally, I’d like to extend a shout-out to the oil industry for keeping us on our toes with the yo-yo prices of gasoline. I was heading out this morning for a medical appointment, and as I passed my regular gas station, it was $3.59 a gallon. I thought to myself, I really should top up the tank because I have to go to Boston tomorrow to pick up The Princess. Apparently, her laundry is overflowing, and she needs the full laundry service her parents provide. Well, no matter – I’ll do it on my way back. Big mistake. It went up to $3.79 in a matter of an hour. Seriously, I’m not making this up. It really happened. It used to be that price bumps were accompanied by a news story. The Saudis are mad at us again, or there’s a major storm shutting down the refineries in the Gulf. The Russians have had another bit of bad luck in Ukraine, and the 3% of the oil we bought from them is spiking in price again, so all gas prices have gone up 20 cents. Venezuela’s one working pump has stopped pumping. Have you ever noticed that? Something that affects oil prices can cause a price jump at the pumps in a matter of minutes. Many conservative voters blame the president for this, as if he personally sets oil prices each morning from the Oval Office. I know, right? More than likely, even he’s telling his aides, “Guess we’re keeping Air Force One in the hanger today. Has that new hybrid limousine come in yet?”
I'm Thinking...No! 