There was a hilarious cartoon in the paper this morning. It features Garfield celebrating a full day on his new diet – by popping a donut in his mouth. Many of us are like that. The rewards are fleeting, followed by days, weeks, and months of anguish. We anticipate that, for our efforts, the pounds will disappear like candlewax in bright sunlight. But as we get older, our mobility and the impetus to exercise slip away. I know I feel that way, when I see vigorous seniors out walking the countryside, and I think to myself, “Are they crazy? That’s a hip just waiting to break!”
But back to the serious discussion of the diet. I have written about it before, because both my wife and I have to watch what we eat – blood sugar and all that annoyance. Which brings to mind our dear friend, Lady Peacock. She was visiting the other day, lamenting that she’d gained three pounds. That follows a relentless stream of modest gains, notably following a week of vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard. In just a slight bump with irony, she was coming over to a local farm stand to purchase – wait for it – an apple pie. In full disclosure, it was to celebrate a birthday, an alternative to a cake, but still, the humor isn’t lost, is it? She wanted to put the pie in the freezer, mentioning that hers was full. I asked innocently what was occupying all the space in her freezer. Fruit – bags of it, which she has for breakfast. Apparently, she buys it in bulk. I suggested that perhaps there might be a container or two of Haagen Dazs, if memory of a time she stayed with us was any guide. She collects these, having at any given time a ready sampling of flavors. It’s part of her evening ritual. It offsets her dinner of a salad or some vegetables.
Lady P. practically invented – in fact holds proprietary rights over the concept of the “Diet Offset”. It’s as natural as reward follows fasting, or night follows day. Dieting is to her a constant see-saw of willpower and lack thereof. If you’ve read my writing before, you’ll know that I’ve alluded to her upcoming, anxiously awaited biography, with a chapter titled, “Skim Milk, Extra Whipped Cream”. This was her order one day in drive-up at Starbucks. Again, it’s an offset. Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it. . .
Each morning, Lady P faithfully and with just a teaspoon of dread steps onto the scales. It is a rare morning when the scales tell her what she wants to hear. This is followed by a solid dose of frustration. Yes, she’s been careful. She didn’t eat much. There’s no reasonable explanation. In a lamenting phone call one day, with again an ironic touch, Lady P was complaining about that morning’s weigh-in: up half a pound. How could that be, because she was extra careful the day before. The irony came in because the call came while she was at a bakery picking up some muffin tops. Her “target weight” – actually reached several times – at present always seems to be floating tantalizingly just out of reach, moved there by temptation. Some event is often looming, leaving her a limited time frame in which to a) purchase a garment, or b) diet into something already part of her wardrobe. The plan is to lose _____ pounds, not usually a drastic weight loss, by spring, by a fall wedding, or for New Year’s Eve. Thus, the diet imperative is in place, the pressure is on, and the morning routine on the scales is, as economists would say, a “lead indicator” of progress made, or not. As a back-up, Lady P. has a seamstress on retainer to make alterations, much the way Mary Todd Lincoln and Queen Victoria had their dressmakers.
Another chapter in the Lady Peacock biography carries the working title, “Snacks Without Borders”, also a previous blog. Snacks can, of course, be kept at home, or picked up along the way. It’s proven handy to keep “emergency snacks” in her car, available at a moment’s notice – a strong recommendation. She mentioned one day that she was stopped in road construction, and had to wait for almost twenty minutes. Thank goodness for those emergency supplies, or she’d have perished, her lifeless body draped over the steering wheel, a victim to “roadway deprivation”. Lady P. has an almost encyclopedic knowledge of every specialty bakery and chocolate shop in the Northeast, and has availed herself of their product line on regular occasions. From time to time, we’ll hear of the sad passing of one of her favorite snack destinations, spoken in tones not unlike a eulogy being delivered. With just an edge of annoyance that they had closed their doors without notification or approval.
Another curious bit of Lady Peacock’s dietary practices involves complex principles of timing. For example, she holds the conviction that eating earlier in the evening, say the fashionable dinner hour at a retirement home or the “early bird special” at a buffet restaurant in Florida, significantly reduces caloric intake and can be slimming, while any time after 6 PM, those same calories puff out like hot air balloons. She insists that she has “evidence” that this happens to her, which in a court of law is compelling. A late, multicourse lunch, at say 2 and stretching to about 4, is really her preferred option. Then she can “eat light” in the evening – some salsa and chips, followed by a small dish of the afore mentioned Haagen Dazs. So, if you choose to adhere to the Lady Peacock Guidelines, it’s not really what you eat, but more importantly, when you eat. Restraint and timing are essential ingredients.
As I mentioned before, Lady Peacock holds proprietary rights to her dieting and wellness program. It may be that most reputable nutritionists and dieting specialists don’t fully embrace her methods, but that’s of little consequence. In fact, their advice typically goes in the opposite direction. But she remains undeterred, insisting that her program works for her. So, as we prepare to label and market her program, and marking it as distinctly different from every other weight loss program known to . . . . , well, I invite all of my faithful readers to help us select a proper “brand” slogan. One that will stand out, set us apart, and potentially make a fortune. I will ghostwrite all of the promotional materials, while Lady P. will retain the imaging and, of course, the profits. If you would be so kind, please email your choice to me. The winning branding info will be featured in a variety of press releases, as well as receiving a note of recognition in the 2025 Inaugural Address (though I haven’t got back confirmation on that). Thank you!
- The Pre-6 PM Diet, or “The Early Bird Special Keeps the Weight Off”
- The “Achieving Balance between Nothing and Rewards” Diet
- The Official Snacks and Cappuccino Diet (with Extra Froth)
- The Importance of a Good Alteration Specialist Diet
- The Fruits, Vegetables, and Ice Cream Diet
- The Whipped Cream Comprehensive Weight Control Program
- The “Bowl of Fruit and You’re Good for the Day” Diet
- The Making Dairy Invincible Diet, or “Heavy Cream – Not as bad as you think”
- The Denial is a Key Ingredient Weight Loss Program
Warmest regards, as always, gentle readers.
I'm Thinking...No! 