Yes, yes. I know all about marketing. They play to the demographic. When I shop with an online vendor, their recommendations pop up. I’m shopping for hummingbird food or disposable latex gloves, and the next thing I know, they’re showing me lawn mowers and vacuum cleaner bags that “they think I’d like.” Really? How in the world did they connect those dots? I think there are some serious glitches in the algorithm.
On television, it’s more direct. Her Ladyship and I watch the evening news, followed by our gameshows – Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. I’m guessing that the mean age of these viewers is between 74 and 100, judging by the advertising. I’ve written extensively on medical commercials, so I won’t dwell here. Would just say, I’d like to create a second career either sitting on the couch looking to be in extreme pain, followed by a walk on the beach after I’ve taken the new miracle medication. That is, of course, unless I have any of the stated side effects, which can be anything from resistance to infection to organs shutting down. Barring that, I’ve put together a list of drug names that I think the pharmaceutical companies can use. They should be at least four to five syllables, although they’re shorter of late, and virtually impossible to pronounce, defying all rules of phonetics. They usually have many vowels clumped together, and include an inordinate number of letters that nobody uses – q, x, and z, while y is the most popular vowel. I should mention that we’re very fond of our primary care physician, and he has little patience we suggest something we’ve seen on tv. So, “ask your doctor” usually elicits a look of disapproval.
One condition, however, that seems to be sweeping the country is erectile dysfunction. “Men, are you living with . . . . . .?” Remember the good old days when you’d never even whisper this condition, let alone say it out loud in the tv commercial? I know. That just wasn’t spoken of, along with ads for personal injury attorneys. More on that later. I think of that wonderful line from the movie, “Mrs. Doubtfire”, when he/she describes the late Mr. Doubtfire’s idea of foreplay as, “Brace yourself, Effie.” We’ve used that line in a large number of contexts, and I’m reasonably sure that Robin Williams ad lib-ed the line and the director thought it worth leaving in. Most anything that Robin Williams ad lib-ed was magic. But I digress. We even have two rival clinics in our viewing area that have competing commercials, which are often run back-to-back. One has a terrific new treatment, which they’re offering for free, and guarantees that the user will be “up and running” again by the next day. The other claims that the new treatment has actually been around a while and it only works in some cases. All of this begs the question, is there a rampant problem here? Are American men above the age of 40 in crisis mode? Can we not just admit that we’re old and some things don’t work like they used to? Are women complaining and threatening to walk out the door? Is this a problem just near us, or is it sweeping the country? Is it caused by climate change? Is it related to long COVID or Monkeypox? And what’s with that new condition where the male organ looks like a carrot? Who knows, but it seems to be a major healthcare crisis, based on the number of ads.
Coupled with that dysfunction is an abundance of clutter. There’s a company advertising junk removal on an hourly basis. The really impressive feature is you just snap your fingers and roomfuls of collected crap disappears. In our household, we have a time-honored tradition. We agonize over every item, every box and bag. Will we use it again some time? We haven’t in more than twenty years. And, of course, it could have appreciated in value from nothing to, well, something, and will be the last item left unsold at a yard sale, but still . . . . Our daughter’s childhood treasures. Old magazines, cd’s, sports trophies up to about 6thgrade, when she hit a bit of a slump. We could probably furnish a fairly substantial apartment or two with the furniture that is down in the basement. There must be at least a half dozen old sets of dishes that for one reason or another no longer suited. A few years ago, when our daughter moved back from DC, I did a pretty good clean-out of the basement, clearing about three quarters of the floor space, only to have her fill it back up with her stuff. As I looked at the garage, that too needs a good bit of organizing and throwing. When cooler weather comes, perhaps I’ll be up to it. Meanwhile, I’d have to win the lottery to afford snapping my fingers and having the professionals “take it all away”.
I can report that the Medicare Supplement folks are doing a brisk business, judging by the ads, phone calls, and email messages I’m getting. I don’t know about you, my faithful readers, but we have good coverage in that area, and I have no intention of making a change. They tell me they can save us lots of money, but I doubt it. When the first treatment and medication bills start rolling in, they’d really regret signing us up. We’re at that wonderful stage of life when getting out of a chair is an effort. Three square meals a day involve take-out. Teeth are falling out. Eyesight is getting a bit cloudy. Naps are a daily requirement, not just a luxury. And even then, I still fall asleep and miss the conclusion of Poirot. Often, I go to bed wondering which house that annoying couple bought on House Hunters, although I slept through and missed the third choice anyway. And, I’ll say it just once more for the record, those people on My Lottery Dream Home that won a million dollars on a five-dollar scratch ticket, totally don’t deserve it as much as I do. There, now I’ve stated it for the record, even though it’s off topic.
Back to commercials, you can tell we’re at the end of the model year of cars. Everything’s on sale. But even the leases are getting up there. I particularly like the ones offering discounts for recent graduates. There are a couple, showing students – recent graduated from college, without jobs and uncertain of their futures, but they can get $500 back on a new car. Yes, that shows priorities and a wise business strategy. And that reminds me. My wireless carrier and I need to have a serious “come to Jesus”. We replaced our seriously outdated cell phones a a while ago, but I couldn’t get any of the deals and discounts they were featuring in their ads. They were giving free phones to families with bunches of kids, but we somehow didn’t qualify. What’s up with that? Maybe I’ll switch to the one with the young couple in the gondola, where she says to the woman, “you can do better”. They probably can’t, and there’s more heartbreak and aggravation in their future, phone-wise.
Political commercials are on the screen constantly at this point. There is one crazed old guy running for Governor of New Hampshire. In the ad, he’s patrolling the southwestern border and flying over in a helicopter wearing a headset and looking like he just got back from Ukraine. He’s vowing to protect New Hampshire’s borders from . . . . well, I’m not sure. There don’t seem to be long lines on foot wading across the Merrimack River with just a backpack and a bandana, waiting to cross over from our southern neighbor. But if anyone steps up, he’ll be ready. The funny thing is, he owns a large nursery a couple of towns over, while his opponent’s husband owns a large landscaping business. I’m fairly certain that, without immigrant workers, they’d both be out of business.
Finally, in the truly remarkable category of commercials, is a product that is billed as “enhanced calming for cats.” Really? Are cats going through a period of prolonged anxiety? Did they not handle pandemic isolation any better than humans? Don’t they really just nap in the sun, eat, and chase small rodents? Seems pretty straightforward to me. If I thought for a minute that Fluffy Ruffles was picking up distress signals from her pet parents, I’d say, “Ok.” But aren’t cats pretty detached from their owners’ emotional moods and needs? That’s kind of what makes them cats. Feed them and keep the litter box clean – that’s about it. And litter boxes have had some serious upgrades of late. There are new ones that practically clean themselves. If you don’t keep your pet food in the fridge, then you’re just no real kind of pet parent and don’t deserve fur babies. Of course, I’m not a pet person, so my expertise in this area is limited.
While I’m on a roll, I’ll add this too. I’d like to address the “pop up” commercials that appear more and more frequently. They’re on the tv screen as well as the computer. Even my friends at Publishers Clearing House will put my entries on hold while I “watch this message from our sponsor.” I’ve already clicking on “no” and “not interested” when they popped up before. What makes them think I’ll have changed my mind in the last ten seconds? Besides, they still have yet to appear grinning on my front porch with a large check. Just send me my new kitchen strainer, along with a check every week for the rest of my days and I’ll be happy.
Warmest regards, as always.
I'm Thinking...No! 