It’s been five years now since I first updated and sent to Rome a list of badly needed new patron saints, but as anyone connected to the Church knows, it doesn’t move swiftly. And yes, I get that recent batches of holy people, including several former Popes, were elevated, based on their spiritual purity and example, good and charitable works, selfless dedication, and inspirational lives. But, in truth, that only takes us so far in the 21stf century, with our rapidly expanding cultural and spiritual perspectives. But so far, the Holy See has been just a bit behind in designating “patron” saints – those that the faithful can channel as intermediaries and from whom we can request intercessions, so I’m stepping in to fill that vacuum. As I wrote before, some of the more prominent patron saints of the past may be sitting idle in Heaven, watching the world and shaking their heads at their increasing lack of relevance. For example, St. Damien of Molokai, a Belgian priest who worked among the suffering in Hawaii, is the patron saint of lepers. Leprosy has largely been irradicated as a global scourge, and while we won’t disregard Fr. Damien’s very important and selfless work at that time, not many today are likely to seek his intercession. So, as you peruse my blog from 2019, when I proposed a number of new patron saints, here are a few additional ones in urgent need of assignment.
St. COVIDius of Wuhan and St. Vaccinataria of Moderna, patron saints of infectious diseases and pandemics. Saint Peregrine is a longstanding patron saint of sickness, and for that, his intercession has been exceedingly fruitful and deeply appreciated. There are in fact a battery of saints overseeing specific illnesses, such as in hearing disorders or stomach aches, but the recent worldwide pandemic should give pause for a new, more direct line of intercession. To step into this latest development, I’ve proposed two new saints to whom the faithful may turn for healing and guidance.
St. Confligrationus – patron saint of climate change. Here again, this is a large area, and without doubt, St. Confligrationus cannot be expected to withstand the storm-surge of requests for help and intersession. Also, as natural disasters are coming at us with increasing intensity and diversity, there should be a degree of differentiation and specialization. St. Flashflooditus of Houston, for example may be called upon to act when millions of gallons of water are dumped upon a region, with the accompanying streams and rivers overflowing their banks. St. Fema, patron saint of relief, will be standing by with bottled water at the ready. Working closely St. Flashflooditus would be St. Katrina of New Orleans, patron saint of Hurricanes.
St. Vladimiria of Moscow – patron saint of hostile takeovers. While we saw some fine intercession work in the past, notably from St. Napeolonius and St. Adolfus, it’s time for a new line of intercessionary communication with Heaven. St. Vladimiria is poised and ready to assume responsibility for invasions, take-overs, and general acts of aggression. St. Bebe of Tel Aviv is an alternate choice, and can be called upon for extreme response and retribution.
St. Elonius of Silicon Valley and St. Bezosius – patron saints of excessive wealth. Particularly for those faithful followers of “House Hunters”, along with various renovation shows, where the question, “How in God’s name can they afford . . . .?” comes up, this team of saints can be called upon for intercessions such as employment and career advancement, along with lottery wins and unexpected inheritances from relatives from whom you’ve never heard. They offer guidance on the extreme wealth and ultra-lavish luxury, and the pitfalls of both.
St. Inflationatum – patron saint of inflation. This is the saint to whom you say a quick prayer at check-out in the grocery store. Lately, through the intercessions made by President Biden and the Chair of the Federal Reserve, St. Inflationatum has heard our prayerful petitions and lowered interest rates from his celestial home. His is a merciful and gracious economic ear.
St. Octanium – patron saint of fossil fuels, and St. Solarius, patron saint of alternative energy. Energy needs are always subject to prayers, both silent as we turn up the heat or air conditioning, and aloud when opening the propane or electric bill. We devoutly request of St. Octanium intercession with OPEC and Saudi Arabia, along with St. Solarius as new shipments of solar panels arrive from China. “Dear St. Solarius, please let us make our own. And don’t let the propellors on wind turbines fall off.”
St. Filibustrus – patron saint of government regulation and oversight. St. Filibustrus, when appointed officially by the Vatican, will be in a contentious position, with intercessions and prayers sought by the dark forces of deregulation and those that want protections from the abuses of the powerful and self-serving. It may require the wisdom and guidance of St. Turbotaxus to intercede for fair and equitable taxation and tax policy. St. Filibustrus is also the saint to whom one prays for intercession at tax filing time and on bingo night.
St. Marjorie of Atlanta – patron saint of conspiracies and protector of conspiracists. Having designated St. Frenemia as the patroness of social media, there is a distinct need to designate a patroness of misinformation and disinformation. Someone to whom the faithful may petition for guidance in discerning that which is mildly unbelievable and that which is truly disturbing and dangerous. St. Marjorie, a conspiracy specialist in life, is just such a patroness, ready to step forward and intervene on behalf of the uninformed, the uncertain, and the disbelieving.
From a previous blog, I offer once again, because of its urgency and high demand, St. Starbuckia – patron saint of coffee, coffee shops, and baristas. Yes, this is an important enough concern that it demands its own patron, who can offer spiritual inspiration and intercession in times of trial and emotional stress in the procurement of coffee and related products. For example, when you arrive at a coffee shop and your order isn’t ready. Or they’ve run out of your favorite flavor, possibly skimping on the whipped cream, or a seasonal blend is no longer available. These can be incidents of great anxiety to the faithful, with an urgent need for prayer and intercession.
As I’ve written before, no official list of patron saints can be completely comprehensive, and it must be flexible enough to match the times in which the designations are made. Our faithful readers and spiritual flock are encouraged to make their own recommendations. As before, this list will be forwarded to the Vatican, to the Congregation for the Proliferation of Saints, and so that these saintly prospects can begin to process of climbing the ladder to sainthood. It may take a while, as the vetting and verification process is long and detailed, like the process of selecting presidential running mates and supreme court justices. In the end, however, Church officials will be as eager as we, the laity, are to address the needs and prayer life of the “person-in-the-pew.” Then again, . . . . . .
I'm Thinking...No! 