Some time ago – actually five years, if I’m counting, I wrote about answering machines and voice mail, which had been, it seems, the gold standard for reaching out to friends and family. Some of you older folks remember when they were first developed, with separate devices hooked up to the telephone. Cordless phones were the size of FBI walkie-talkies, and we had to plug in car phones. Yes, answering machines were so innovative, such an improvement. Until they’d be filled up with junk callers, telemarketers, and stuff we didn’t need to hear. Then, we’d get unseemly pleas from the technology to “please empty your voicemail.”
We’d record the message multiple times until it was just right – a nice balance of perky and insincere. Now, of course, they are built right in – an automated voice telling people that we’re “not available”, I guess because burglars ransacked home if it went to voicemail, or people without much sense left the message, “I’m not home to take your call”. So, if we don’t answer the phone after a few rings, as we don’t in the age of screened calls, the system springs into action, allowing the caller to record something excruciatingly long that often goes well beyond the allotted time. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld has a great routine about people calling just to leave a message. “Oh, you’re there. I thought you’d be out and I’d leave a message.” There are those, however, who still don’t know to wait for the “sound of the tone”, so we only get the last bit of their message, something like “call me when you get this”. Great. Who are you again?
Businesses have refined the process for several reasons. Tech people have been really busy updating the number of options we have when calling. Many of these businesses no longer have live humans working for them. It’s far easier, from their perspective, to “leave a number and someone working part time at home on spec will call you back”, after telling us that our call is very important to them. I’m always amused by “please listen to our menu, as our options have changed.” Their options haven’t changed in 10 years, except to put the billing department as the first option. Curious for a medical practice, no? At least, the first option is to “hang up and dial 911” in an emergency. First, you have to enter the last four digits of your phone number, your date of birth, random digits from your Social Security number, and the date of your grandparents’ wedding. That’s to provide complete security, but as an added feature, they’ll text you a “verification code”, usually a six digit number that you have to insert, like the combination to your wall safe.
Using this highly effective model, I’ve come up with something I call the “Home Response Menu”, or HRM for short. Some of the prompts have been suggested by our dear friend, Lady Peacock, who, depending on her mood or how her day has gone, may receive different responses. I leave it to the reader to figure out which options those are. Borrowing from the system used in business, my innovative service would go something like this, (and I’ve taken the liberty of including possible recorded celebrity voices to add dramatic effect to the message – that will be a slightly more expensive option – which I call “Voicemail+):
“You’ve reached the Walters Residence. We may or may not be interested in your call, so in the event that we don’t call you back, don’t take it as a personal affront. Particularly if you are selling a Medicare supplement. It’s merely indifference. Our menu options have changed, so please listen carefully and use the prompts indicated.” (in the voice of an English butler, possibly Carson from Downton Abbey)
“If you are a personal friend, having an absolutely smashing day and wish to share your joy and exuberance, please say or press ONE now.” (voice of Martin Short)
“If you are having a day of boredom and just wish, in the era of self-isolation, to communicate with another human being, please say or press TWO now. “(voice of Steve Martin)
“If your day is spiraling downward, your children are disappointing or ignoring your invaluable advice, and you’ve just called to say, “I need to rant uncontrollably.”, please say THREE or press now.” (voice of anyone from Fox News)
“If you’ve called to fill us in on your latest plans, which are dubious at best, or are risky and utterly ridiculous, please say or press FOUR now.” (voice of Donald Trump)
“If you’re calling to sell us something we don’t want or need, like vinyl siding or an extended warranty on a garage door opener, please say or press FIVE now, and prepare to be disappointed. (voice of Miss Piggy)
“If you are a friend or relative from whom we haven’t heard in years, please say or press SIX now, and then sing a chorus of ‘I’m not dead yet’ so we’ll know it’s really you. (voice of Daniel Craig)
“If you’re calling to invite us to a social event or gathering, you should be aware that Her Ladyship does not prefer to ‘do social’, so please hang up and rethink your strategy. In the event that it’s something important, send her a message on Facebook. (voice of Dame Maggie Smith)
“If you’re calling from a political campaign and want us to take a survey, particularly if you’re from a conservative polling center, you might want to hang up now before we skew answers from the last four respondents. Michelle says, ‘hi’. “ (voice of Barack Obama)
“If you’re calling about a survey, including products, there’s a better than 50/50 chance you’ll be disappointed. Please remove this number from your call list.” (voice of Monica from “Friends”)
If you’re at a call center in Sri Lanka, please don’t route the call through a cell phone in ‘Richmond, Virginia’ on Caller ID. Just let it show up as “Spam”, so I can ignore it. You won’t like what you hear if I answer. (voice of Howard Wolowicz from “Big Bang Theory”, imitating Raj Koothrappali)
This opens up a whole new world of interpersonal communication, because vocal nuances that so often are lost in texts and emails will continue to play a vital role in messaging. It’s sure to become our “brand”. One further advantage is that commercial enterprises, and the folks at call centers across the globe, will get just a taste of what we endure daily when they call us at dinner time. I’m thinking that, if I can just find the right technicians to coordinate my answering service, this could be the biggest thing since the lava lamp. The potential options could be customized to the client’s preferences, although in the interests of decency, use of profanity would have to be limited. Let me know, my faithful readers, what you think by writing or saying or pressing SEVEN for great idea, or EIGHT for a possibility, and NINE for . . I’m thinking . . . . . no.
I'm Thinking...No! 