Some years back, I wrote extensively on the expansion of coffee. Yes, that wonderful brew that we started to drink to show our resistance to the tea that King George III was mandating that Americans buy and drink tea. I guess we showed him, when colonists, cleverly disguised as Native Americans, tossed teabag after teabag into what we hear in New England call “Boston Hahbah”. Since then, we’ve been a nation of proud, devoted coffee drinkers.
Have you noticed what’s been happening of late? The price of my simple 12-ounce bags, the ones that I buy faithfully at the grocery store have skyrocketed over $2 a bag. And that’s just the store’s generic brands. Name brand coffees are well out of reach, pending a large lottery windfall. Which has not yet happened. Powerball number selectors, are you listening? There are, apparently, several root causes. You probably have noticed that coffee prices have increased 33% in the past year, due largely, according to experts, to extreme weather in coffee-producing parts of the world, particularly Southeast Asia and South America. That can’t be right, can it? President Trump has told us repeatedly that climate change is “a hoax”, a myth. A fiction created by hysterical left-leaning environmentalists. And, he’s created a comprehensive program of tariffs to protect home-grown coffee. Except, we don’t grow any. OK, new Executive Order: southern states must be mandated to stop growing cotton on plantations and tobacco too, because it isn’t good for you, and shift immediately to growing coffee beans. Juan Valdez could head up the new initiative as Secretary of the Department of Coffee and Other Essential Hot Beverages. There, problem solved.
Further, this alarming news. Starbucks is closing hundreds of shops and laying off thousands of talented, trained baristas. How is this possible? Claims the CEO, it’s all part of a $1 billion restructuring plan. Probably to boost his stock portfolio. I’m always seeing frantic activity and long lines at the drive-up window at our local Starbucks, so I just don’t understand this. What will America look like without the green logo on every street corner? Losing a host of highly trained medical researchers and inspectors is one thing, but having professional baristas thrown out of work? The world turned upside down. In full disclosure, I’m not really a Starbucks patron but our daughter does. In fact, they called this summer to see if she was ok. She moved to Georgia this summer without notifying them. Very thoughtful people there. I tend more to the chains where coffee is more reasonably priced, or a locally owned coffee shop. But then again, I’ve tended to get a bit more like Ebenezer Scrooge in recent years.
My coffee journey started early. My mother drank coffee pretty much throughout the day. In those days, of course, instant coffee was the thing. Nobody really “brewed” coffee. It took a “perculator”. Remember those? They’d bubble for quite a while before the coffee was ready and drinkable. My late in-laws drank a brand of instant that I’m sure, looking back on it now, was made in a plant adjacent to a petroleum refinery. There was a distinct overlap of flavors. We have, fortunately, moved on from the instant coffee era to the “drip” coffee maker. Infinitely better, and more convenient. I know that some, my daughter included, like to even buy whole beans and grind them up. That’s too much work for me. The grocery stores very often had coffee grinders, so one could grind their own right in the store. It created a really nice aroma in the coffee aisle, but again, too much trouble for me.
I wrote extensively before about the proliferation of the flavored coffees. Coffee options were amazing. The geniuses in marketing haven’t been sitting idle in their offices sipping black coffee. Nay, nay! It’s been transformed into lattes, mochas, frappuccinos, espressos. Cold brews are the new thing. How does that even work? Don’t you need hot water to get the coffee beans to do their thing? Have I been seriously misled? Menu boards in coffee shops are worse than dinner menus in five-star restaurants. Varieties like Sea Salt Caramel Latte Frappachino and Cold Brewed Mint-infused Mocha Americano. I order and hope for the best. I hope it’s something drinkable. The person behind me orders one of these with almond milk and diet whipped cream. Our dear friend, Lady Peacock, about whom I’ve written so much, was overheard one day in the drive-up window ordering a coffee “with skim milk and extra whipped cream”. The skim milk was a nod to her diet. Yes, I know.
I have noticed, and perhaps you have too, that the moment I develop a fondness for a certain flavor, it’s removed from the shelves. At first, I thought it was merely a coincidence, but I’m beginning to rethink that. I’m not normally a conspiracy theorist, but too many of my favorites have disappeared without a trace. Cinnamon French Toast was very good, and I’d buy it at a local store. Then, gone. What happened? The producer claimed it was “seasonal”, but as it never came back, perhaps that season is no longer with us either. Then, a local grocery store had “buttery caramel”. I know, doesn’t it sound great? It was, and now that too isn’t around anymore. They’ve replaced it with a “Cinnamon Swirl”, and it too is very good, but I don’t think I can become attached to it, lest I have my heart broken once again.
As I wrote before, my extensive readership should know that I am moving on – becoming a Coffee Visionary, or perhaps a Coffee Influencer. I’d thought of “Latte-Ologist”, but that seemed a bit pretentious. I’m developing a curriculum for Coffee Studies, which going forward should be a college major, because there’s no such thing as just coffee anymore. Coursework will include the basics of brewing, steaming, espressoing, cappuccinoing. Basic definitions, so we’ll know what to look for with some oddly-named coffees like “Jamaican Me Crazy”. Honors classes specializing in flavor infusions, toppings, cream viscosity, cup size theory, the use and misuse of sea salts, developing a chocolate balance, when and when not to caramelize, advanced frapping techniques for your Frappuccino machine. They should know the history of coffee, see videos of the coffee pots bubbling on the stove. They should be aware of Dark Ages – the period of instant coffee, of “freeze-dried crystals”. A period now referred to as the “What were we thinking?” era. It all tasted like boiled compost. There is the development of the drip coffee maker, as revolutionary as the microwave and the food processor. They need to know that K cups have not always been with us, and that grinding your own beans is really just for a select few with too much time on their hands. These are the vital bits of culture that our young people must have if civilization is to continue. Cars will drive themselves, but future generations must be coffee-fluent.
The only place you still find real, honest-to-gosh, shamelessly bold coffee is in a diner at breakfast time. This is the last true holdout. You order – “I’ll have a coffee.” Two options – regular or decaf. Simple, clean. I did that just this past week. Where the waitperson comes by to refill from one pot. And the coffee didn’t cost more than your breakfast. Those little packets of creamer are right on the table. They’re making my life easier. Or pre-pandemic, when we could walk into a coffee shop and pour our own. Important coffee memories of a simpler, gentler time. Can we ever go back?
I'm Thinking...No! 