Ok. I promise that this may be my final blog relating to the Winter Games. Until the Closing Ceremonies, when we reflect on the triumphs, the missed opportunities, and all those sorts of things that sports commentators and talk shows will discuss in minute detail until broadcast execs finally say, ENOUGH! We’ve watched more this year than in the past, and we’ve enjoyed it. There comes a point, though, where, if we see one more Norwegian skier executing a perfect jump, . . . well. You know. I know, it’s so unlike us Americans to want a sweep of all the medals. We’re currently in third place – how can we stand it? I hear through the grapevine, though, that the president has a plan to send warships into the North Sea to surround Norway and demand all of their medals. It could work, because he’s designed display space for them in the new White House ballroom, right next to his faux Peace Prize.
But I’ve totally digressed here. We were watching an interesting event that combined cross-country skiing and target practice. I believe they call it a “biathlon”. Now, I get that there are combination events – running, swimming, and biking. They all seem to loosely connected athletic endeavors. But skiing and shooting? Comedian Jerry Seinfeld has a line about this – something about “alpine snipers”, which I thought quite amusing. I wanted to find out a little more about it, and here’s what I’ve found. “The shooting portion of a biathlon competition is known as a shooting bout or shooting stage. Events have either two or four shooting bouts in Olympic biathlon. Athletes shoot in either a standing or prone position depending on which is designated for that portion of the competition. If an athlete misses a target during a bout they incur a penalty. Either extra time is added automatically to their finish or they have to ski a penalty loop for each missed target depending on the event”. This comes from Olympics writer, Marisa Marcellino. The “biathlon” is actually 11 events, of which men participate in 5, women in 5, and the last is mixed. We could call it the “eleventhathon”, but I guess that’s rather awkward to say, and technically, there are only two skills involved – skiing and shooting. In a refinement of this, the biathlon might include skiers taking off their skis and climbing a tall ladder or tower and shooting at targets from there. As we all know from crime shows, snipers often do their best work from rooftops and upper story hotel rooms, so this would be a truer test of their technique. In this vein, I’ve come up with a few “combination” events that I think might catch on and which the Olympic committees should really take under consideration.
Lumberjack Biathlon. Have you noticed that the cross-country skiing events are on courses that run through beautiful stands of fir trees that just beg to cut down. So, here’s my thought. About halfway through the event, the skiers have to stop and they and their nearest competitor have to pick up a two-person saw and cut down a tree. They will be awarded points for the neatest cut, for technique, and working together. The lumber generated from this event will be shipped to the US, with appropriate tariffs, where it will be cut up into lumber used to rebuild homes affected by “climate change”, which we all know isn’t really a “thing”.
“Big Air” and Parasailing. If you’ve been watching, “big air” is an extension of what we used to know as ski jumping. It can be done either on skis or snowboards, and the intent here is to go as high in the air as possible to that one goes as far as possible, after doing a few flips, turns, and fancy stuff along the way. But, here’s my plan. On the skier’s back is a backpack containing a parasail. As they go off the jump, they unfurl the sail, allowing them to potentially fly for miles. How spectacular is that? Here’s the announcement. “Austrian air-sailer left Milan’s airspace and is now coming down in a wineshop five miles away. His final scoop-twist was most impressive with a score of 64 points. Fortunately, none of the wine bottles were damaged.” (Side note – does anyone truly understand any of the scoring? It’s different for every event, and the numbers are mind-boggling. Figure skating is the worst, and sadly, it hasn’t been the same since we had Russian judges that gave every Russian skater the highest possible scores. Those gold medals could have been given out two weeks before the Olympics even started, and it would have saved a lot of time.)
Curling and Darts. For so many events where runs and slopes go downhill, it is difficult to stop the athletes in the middle. So, we’ll have to either add events at the bottom, or focus more on the “horizontal” ones. Once the “ston. e” has reached its final destination, the “sweeps” rush over and pick up a large dartboard. The “skip” will be allowed to throw three darts at it, with collecting additional points for nearest the bullseye. An emergency medical team will be on standby should any darts go astray.
Freestyle Skating Enhancement. As you know, fashion design shows like “Project Runway” have become quite popular in recent years. The most logical place to insert fashion design into the lineup is, of course, figure skating. The other events all pretty much have spandex with a side of garish colors, so that wouldn’t work from a design perspective. In this event, the skater, or skaters if it’s a pairs competition, during their routines, skaters would skate over to strategically placed bins of random materials. They would have to add fashion accessories at certain points in their routines, in keeping with the theme of their costumes and music, with points added or subtracted if the elements they’ve chosen don’t “fit their voice or vision”. Time constraints would be adjusted accordingly so the skaters wouldn’t just be slapping something together. Fashion designers, of course, would need to be added to the judging panel. I’m thinking perhaps Heidi Klum and Christian Siriano, if they’re available. Johnny Weir could step in as needed, because he has a highly developed sense of fashion.
Speed Skating and Bowling Biathlon. Here is a natural pairing, because the skaters are going fast anyway, and they’re bent over and one arm is swinging. As they round a turn, they’d release a bowling ball in the general direction of pins set up at several spots. The more the skater knocks down, the score would be increased. Bowling is a very popular sport, yet has been largely overlooked at the Olympics. It came close in the 1988 Summer games as an exhibition sport, but has never reached full competition event status. So, this backdoor route could be the “in” we need.
Snowshoe – Ax Throwing Biathlon. In deference and homage to the skiing biathlon, this event would combine speed snowshoeing and ax throwing. As you may know, ax throwing has a long and impressive and sport skill and serious injury. So, if cross-country skiers can fire rifles at periodic intervals, why can’t those on snowshoes throw axes? A natural integration of winter sport and the use of dangerous weapons. Of course, the axes would be thrown preferably at non-human targets, with points added or subtracted from the athletes’ scores for style and accuracy.
Many people often make the mistake of thinking the Olympic Games are just about athletics, and they forget that the games are also largely about viewership and advertising revenue. To continue building audiences, it’s really important to tap into and expand the range of their interests. Combination sports will add dramatic new dimensions to the Olympic games, and, I think, in the long run, help keep them from getting stale. Just so you’ll know, I’m working on some ideas for the summer games too. I’d thought about a “high dive / shooting” event, similar to the cross-country biathlon, but I can’t think of an effective way for the divers to climb up to the top level while carrying a loaded rifle. Somebody might get hurt.
One other very important take-away from the Winter Games is that, if I want to see snow and ice, I’ll stay in New Hampshire – we have an abundant supply. In the event that I ever actually make it to Italy, I’ll go in the summer, when it’s warm, or the fall when the vineyards are doing their best work.
I'm Thinking...No! 