I'm Thinking…No!

Once again, we’re entering that exciting season when tax returns are filed and we’re either eager or filled with dread at what they’ll tell us. It’s a yearly odyssey. Remember that slight edge that everyone felt back in January when the tax forms and information started to roll in?  I think I’m covered, but maybe not. Taxpayers are divided into two categories – those that typically are getting a refund, so the savings account will get a bump or that new refrigerator seems possible – please issue that refund before the Presidents Day Sale, and those that will owe money, and thus will be standing on tiptoes on the cliff of the April filing deadline.  

Continue reading “The Tax Person Cometh Once Again”

They’re a lot like the lottery – an element of surprise.  Is it still good a few days after?  A few months?  Or was this rotten the day I brought it home from the store?  It’s like that insurance commercial – “We have aunts.”  One is standing with the refrigerator door open, saying “expired; expired; expired” as she’s checking out items.  We have a daughter like that.  If anything in the fridge or the canned goods shelf and is within an hour of two of the expiration date, out it goes.  

Continue reading “The Expiration Date Lottery”

I’ve developed a theory about technology in general, and electronic devices specifically.  While the giants of the industry are continuing to commit huge amounts of money to developing new stuff, which is great, they also employ thousands of people to find ways to disrupt what we already have. That way, we can’t just be happy with our old computers, tablets, and phones, which are working just fine, thank you very much.  These deeply disturbed “engineers” need to make them “more fine”.  Or they’re pushing us constantly toward that cliff of buying new stuff.  A friend of ours, who is like me only about five times more terrified of technology, had to replace her old computer.  I went with her some years ago to purchase a new one, which is a bit like having Archie Bunker for tech support.  Anyway, the sales person was showing her all of the latest features with a great deal of enthusiasm, which wasn’t contagious.  With a look on her face of a mixture of fear and confusion, she asked, “Why doesn’t it look like the old screen?” I finally pulled him aside and told him he was trying to explain nuclear weapons to Joan of Arc.  Buying new hardware is scary for me too because, not only does everything look different, but now I’ll have to “install”, “download” (or “upload”), transfer, reset, upgrade, back up and try to remember all my passwords.  Right now, the computer is telling me that my cloud is full.  I have no idea what to do, except perhaps let it rain a bit to empty out? We are at the point where, when I call my daughter for tech support, she can tell by my tone that I’m above my management level, and it isn’t going well.  

Anyway, I thought I might get a jumpstart on this year’s taxes.  Step One is to assemble the necessary tax forms, so I went to the retirement system website.  I put in the username and password.  They told me they “didn’t recognize the device”.  I’m not the CIA, for God’s sake, and I don’t have facial recognition.  It next asked me for a clarifying “identification question”.  OK.  The street address for Her Ladyship in the 3^rd grade.  I put that in, and it told me that was “incorrect”.  How can it be incorrect?  She lived at that street address until she was 24. I closed it out and started again.  Same result.  Not OK.  It will either be a rather terse conversation with someone by phone or I’ll have to wait until the paper forms are mailed out – sometime around Valentine’s Day.  

Why does technology continue to thwart me?  It does, you know.  At every turn.  Just when I think that perhaps I’m gaining skill and confidence, it finds new ways to slap me down.  I had a rhythm going with my coffee shop app.  Every two hundred points, I got a free beverage.  Just what I needed.  Then, some Byzantine mind redesigned the rewards feature.  It quadrupled the number of points to get stuff I don’t consume, like avocado toast or a box of donut holes.  And then, they’re not even free – they’re discounted.  That’s like giving me $100 off SCUBA gear.  Never going to happen.  

My bank is doing that too.  I use their bill pay feature, which is most convenient, but can also be annoying.  When I pay a credit card, they send me a nice note saying they’ve received my payment.  Great.  I’d hoped that was the case.  But my bank, my own flesh and blood, never tells me when they’ve received my payment.  No pat on the back for a job well done. I have to check the balance to see if it’s gone out.  But they do send me terse alerts like, “You have an unpaid bill, due . . . .” usually a week or two out.  Of course, it’s unpaid – it’s not due yet. I’ll pay it on time, but why give them my money early?  And frankly, your reminder is a bit insulting, like I’m some kind of deadbeat.  I do keep track, and you have a public relations person who designed that reminder feature that should be publicly flogged for suggesting otherwise.

And what is the deal with the “verification numbers”?  They’re telling me it’s for added security and for my protection.  So, if they don’t recognize my device, which is the same computer I’ve been using for many years, it would seem to me that their “device recognition” system is faulty.  I’ll take a picture of it on my phone and send it to them.  I’ll include myself in the photo, so they’ll know it’s me.  But no, they send a six-digit number to my email address.  That’s wonderful.  I have to shut down the website (for, alas, whenever I just leave it, it shuts itself down) and get the number from my email account.  I then reestablish contact with the website only to find that the verification code has expired, and we do the dance again and again.  Such fun!  Or, I can have the verification sent to my phone, which I have to run to get.  I get half of the verification number before the phone screen goes dark and I need to power it up, put in the code, another 6-digit number, and try again.  

I used to save all my usernames and passwords on the computer.  It was a foolproof system until the computer died and we had to replace it.  Now, as the experts tell us we should do, I write them down in a little notebook, carefully concealed in my office.  Of course, the experts also tell us to change them regularly.  My little notebook has more cross-outs and arrows than the operating manual for the Hindenburg.  Like the technical question, where I know what we’ve answered, there is sheer impertinence in telling me that the answer is wrong.  Of course, it’s not wrong.  And how did they, those experts at the website, not recognize my computer?  I only have the one.  It’s not like I’m the CIA, running under the radar.  It’s the same one I use each and every day.  

I got a nice note from the bank that the mortgage tax statement is ready online.  So, I went to the site to print it.  The first time, it told me that it wasn’t ready after all.  No apology for the false alert, just a statement that perhaps I’m too early. It is early yet, so I’ll give them a pass and wait with my usual patience and calm dignity.  Except, I don’t understand why it takes weeks and weeks to get tax forms up and posted.  With all of the technology, and thousands of folks writing tax software, shouldn’t the tax info that we need to file be ready within like, a day or two?  I’d give them until January 5^th or 6^th, because that’s the generous sort of person I am.  Shouldn’t it really just be a matter of pushing a button and all the numbers fall into the nice, neat boxes that the IRS forms provide for us?  That makes sense to me.  My tax forms should be available right after the last payment in December. If you can buy a car online, and it pulls up at your house a day or two later, can’t the tax information be the same?  I don’t understand.  

Anyway, I’ll continue to wait until everything is ready – the forms are in the mailbox (I should probably use an anonymous post office box in Vermont, just to add an extra layer of security, but then I’d have to drive there to pick them up.) and I’m able to dig up my username and password from my little notebook.  Whereupon the software company will tell me that I really should change them.  Just a moment – I need to update the notebook.  Best wishes to all my faithful readers on a Happy Tax Season while we wait to celebrate National Technology Day.

We’ve been on a bit of a roll lately.  Scratch tickets coming in with modest gains.  Ten dollars, then twenty.  Last week, fifteen.  I can just feel it – a big win is just around the corner.  I’d contact David to help us pick out our “Lottery Dream Home”, but that may be premature, and we haven’t really decided on a location either.   Now, with that huge lottery jackpot over a billion dollars, I go to sleep nights planning the ski lodge in the Alps (neither of us ski, but we could certainly watch other people) or the ocean cottage (before climate change washes it away).  A manor house in Shropshire (because I love that name) or a warm retreat in a sunny location for the winter months. Perhaps a villa on the Mediterranean – Malta looks very nice, as does Majorca.  Someday, I’d like to walk into a Mercedes or Land Rover dealership and say, “I’ll take that one. Write it up and I’ll give you a cheque.”  

Continue reading “Another Big Win in the Offing”

For all who read Dave Barry’s year-end summaries of events, along with his valuable insights into the major influences here and around the world, I’d like to offer some New Year’s resolutions going forward that will make us all feel better.  I know they will make me feel better.   

Former President Donald Trump sent out a message on his new social media platform that he would like to file amended tax returns since 1997, and that in review, he owes the IRS $874.2 million.  He’ll be sending a check as soon as he gets back to Trump Tower, where he keeps his checkbook.

The National Rifle Association has indicated that, as an organization, it isn’t having good feelings about assault weapons.  Therefore, it will direct members of Congress under its purview to look into and develop legislation banning any weapons not strictly used for deer hunting and other sport.  It plans to reinstate its programs promoting hunter safety in every state.

Elon Musk will stop carrying sinks in public, and has announced that he intends to reinstate every employee of Twitter, no matter how inconsequential, content-oriented, or critical of him.  In keeping with his recent survey, he’ll step down from his running and management of Twitter.

A consortium of major oil companies and energy producers announced that they will work together on a package of user-friendly initiatives.  First, they will be fast-tracking fusion energy research in a concerted effort to reduce consumers’ reliance on fossil fuels.  In the meantime, they plan to cap the price of gasoline at $2 per gallon, even if it means cutting profits, and will sharply reduce oil exploration globally.  OPEC issued a memorandum of support.

Will Smith has indicated on social media that he will refrain from slapping, punching, or kicking anyone at any public, nationally televised event, particularly any in which he’s nominated for an award.

Governor Rick DeSantis has deeply apologized to residents of Florida for using their money to fly immigrants from Texas to Massachusetts and other places, and has indicated that he will reimburse the state from his personal political war chest.  He has stated that he’ll be working with Texas Governor Abbott to humanely relocate those coming into this country without documentation, and help them speed up the process of legal residency.

Five major airlines have announced that they are sick and tired of airplane violence and surly passenger behavior.  Therefore, they will be refitting their airplanes, making all seats first class – wide, spacious, and comfortable.  They will hire additional staff to ensure full flight departures, and are exploring the restoration of meals and drinks at no additional cost.

The British Royal Family, through a spokesperson at Buckingham Palace, announced today that there will be an end to hostilities within the family.  There will be no further interviews with Oprah Winfrey, no television mini-series, and no unflattering biographies.  All phone calls from Prince Harry and his family will be monitored by agents from MI6. In a parallel announcement, Prince Andrew has been sent to live on the Isle of Skye in Northwest Scotland.

Also from the UK, the recent turnover of Prime Ministers will alter the selection process in an effort to speed things up.  A large jar of milk duds will be placed outside the Houses of Parliament.  The member of the majority party that can come closest to guessing the number of duds will become party leader and Prime Minister.

This thought proposed by the recent surprise visit of President Zelenskyy to Washington.  All citizens of Ukraine will be evacuated to Mississippi, Alabama, and Louisiana, which will be renamed “New Southern Ukraine”.  Ben and Erin Napier, from HGTV, are already working to rebuild and furnish approximately 30 million homes for the incoming Ukrainians and their families. At least 5 million homes will appear on upcoming episodes of “Home Town”, in an effort to help the newly arrived to fit in and feel welcome.  Property values in the two states are expected to rise significantly in the new year.

 FTX announced today that it is abandoning its business model first created by the late Charles Ponzi, and that it is placing all of its (remaining) assets on the gold standard. The CFO has indicated that all losses, business or personal, will be reimbursed in full by March 1^st.

Finally, this economic note.  The recession, expected later this spring, has been cancelled by President Biden, in consultation with the Federal Reserve Board.  It seems the polling numbers just weren’t there and it wasn’t “gaining much popular traction” with the American people.

Wishing you all a pleasant 2023. 

And we’re back.  We’re here on a bright and crisp Tuesday, just six days before Christmas and all through the house – well, the clattering of cookie sheets, the buzz of the mixer.  All the sounds of the holidays. I’m bringing you the essential elements of the cookie-baking event.  It’s as if you are right here, watching the excitement from your homes.  The list of possibilities has been pared down to only the six top vote-getters from previous years. We have a new entry this year, because I could only find peppermint Hershey kisses, which we didn’t think would pair well with peanut.  So, it’s a peppermint / chocolate combo.   Her Ladyship is perched in her designated seat of command at the dining room table, recipe books at the ready. She’s issuing instructions to the kitchen, where Princess Elizabeth has prepped the cookie sheets, uncovered the mixer, brought out every conceivable utensil, unleashed the waxed paper and parchment.  (Why do we have parchment?  Wasn’t that something that medieval popes used to jot down their thoughts?). Anyway, the day is simmering with promise.  

Continue reading “Great Cookie Bake 2022 – An Update”

This is actually a “regifting” as much is drawn from a couple of years ago, but I’ve had so many requests to repost (one or two), that here it is again, with a few strategic updates and edits.

Continue reading “Surprise Christmas Presents”

In previous writings, I’ve outlined some serious issues concerning Christmas Decorations, and, as folks have largely ignored my thoughts, I’m going to present here a legislative agenda regarding the deployment of said decorations.  It’s high time we began to use some discretion when it comes to lights, animated bits of frivolity, blow-up statuary, etc., etc.  This has all come about because, on my way to my weekly medical treatments, I noticed that some people have been, shall we say, busy little “decorating” beavers.  I plan to send this to my congressional delegation in the hope that some meaningful government action can be implemented to curb the tasteless, the gaudy, and the unnecessarily “bright” holiday décor.

Continue reading “Outside Christmas Decorations – Some Guidelines”

Thanksgiving is just wrapping up – last of the turkey made into . . . . . what the heck is that? Football games are over, and the shopping has begun in earnest.  Although, with full disclosure, Her Ladyship has been shopping on line for months.  She really has to allow time for her Asian suppliers to get everything here in time for Christmas. For many folks, though, the day after Thanksgiving is like a checkered flag in Daytona.  

Continue reading “And We’re Off – 1st steps to Christmas”

This is actually something I shared last year, or the year before.  I can’t remember which.  In any event, it’s nice to reread and enjoy the memories of Thanksgivings past.  Particularly this year, after the election and in the midst of high prices for travel, when we may not all be able to meet in person, share a meal, and enjoy family and friends, it’s important to reflect back on celebrations in our lives. All of us have tales of Thanksgivings that cause us to smile.  I repost here some that are my favorites.

Continue reading “Thanksgiving Memories”