Some years ago, I wrote about returning items that, for one reason or another, just don’t work. Sending back items has become substantially easier, what with so many of us doing our shopping online. Vendors have made it easier to return items by putting them back in their boxes and dropping them off at a pick-up center. No personal interaction, no lengthy explanations. Sometimes you can indicate what was wrong – it came too late, it was damaged in shipping, whatever. And you can even check off “other”, and in the box write: “I changed my mind.” Even your refunds come back quickly – no waiting until they receive the item. Just pass “go” and collect . . . .
Sometimes it’s pretty straightforward. The other day at the grocery store, I’d picked up the wrong package of cookies. What I thought were chocolate chip turned out to be oatmeal raisin. Someone with whom I reside does not like raisins, so I went back inside, showed the clerk my receipt and he allowed me to swap them. Simple, easy, no questions asked.
Some transactions are a bit more difficult. We had an experience a couple of years ago, about which I wrote, involving the purchase of a power lift chair for Her Ladyship. Stop me if you remember this, but otherwise it’s a funny story. Hers had a malfunction, but we had a bit of a “thing” with the store because I’d bought the extended warranty, which they really didn’t want to honor. While this dispute was playing out, HL became rightfully impatient and ordered a new chair online. Shortly after, we received an order confirmation and a notice of shipping. No sooner had that happened than the furniture store contacted me to say that they would replace the chair after all. Great, now we have two. I went to the store to pick out the new one while my wife tried to cancel the online order. As the confusion played out, the online chair was coming from two different locations, and the manufacturer wished to remain anonymous. The vendor, whose name I won’t disclose here, but I’m sure you may all know because it’s owned by a bazillionaire, then went into negotiations for us. He did arrange a refund, and was able to hold up shipment of one of the two parts of the chair. It arrived a day later on our front porch – a large and heavy box. I tried to get the shipper to take it back, but he told me he couldn’t because, as has happened since the time of the Crusades, he “didn’t have any paperwork” to authorize it. He gave me a number to call to arrange a pick-up. I did, and they sent a driver the next day who was equally useless. No “authorization”, and then we noticed that the box had no return address either. The box sat on the porch for a day or so, until Jerome at the online vendor told me just to keep it or dispose of it. We’d received the refund, so I didn’t care. That box is still in the basement after four years, because I never got around to throwing it out.
Our dear friend, Lady Peacock, has been known to return things that don’t suit her. She has returned fruit that didn’t stay fresh for as long as it took for her to eat it. Now, we all know that fruit starts to age the minute you check out with the cashier. One morning, at another pleasant Sunday brunch, Lady Peacock was regaling us with a story about the problem a clerk gave her as she was returning a partially burned candle to the store where she bought it. It was a chain of candle stores, and the clerk in the first store gave her – get this – a hard time and didn’t want to give her money back because, well, it was a used candle. It wasn’t until the next attempt at a second store that she managed to beat down the clerk and get some level of satisfaction. I was sitting somewhat stunned. I couldn’t get past “returned a used candle”. Yes, quite remarkable. I really think that’s the new gold standard for returning things. Other purchases have also faced round-trip visits too. She bought a piece of wall-art. A metal sculptural piece that she actually put up on the living room wall, and remained displayed for a couple of years before she came across a framed print she liked better. Now, most of us would simply put the wall piece in the basement or donate it to a yard sale, but not Lady Peacock. She took it back the store where she got it and, quite amazingly, they took it back and gave her a refund. She’s also been known to wear clothes and afterward return them, although from what I’ve seen on television shows, that’s not as uncommon as one would think.
More and more, we seem to be returning things that, for one reason or another, just don’t work out. We’ve undergone a flurry of returns recently as Her Ladyship and the Princess prepare her wardrobe for her new college teaching assignment. It’s in Atlanta, so a fair amount of her New England wardrobe won’t work. Years ago, we’d persevere with clothes that didn’t quite fit – my mother would say that we’d “grow into it”, shoes that pinched a little but we knew that the leather would stretch out if we wore them a couple dozen times. Those blisters on the feet would go away over time. My mother was not averse to buying things with “imperfections”. “Nobody will notice that brown stain in the crotch.” Oh, really? But she’d got it for a great price. Today, however, we’ve been conditioned to return anything that isn’t just to our liking, but I again reiterate that much of what we’ve bought was online, so we couldn’t try it on.
Lady Peacock popped over for a visit last week to show us pictures of her recent vacation on Martha’s Vineyard. All in all, the vacation was a success and a good time was had, although there were a surprising number of children about the pool area. Anyway, as she was about to depart, she remarked that she had some errands to run. Those of us that know her know what that means. Yes, she had to stop by the supermarket to return some cookies that “did taste like what she was expecting”. Not that they were stale, or something was wrong with them. No, just that her expectations for them were different. She also had to return a hair dryer that had a bothersome green light. The suggestion that perhaps when not in use, the dryer could be unplugged so the light would go off, as all the experts tell you to do, was rather quickly dismissed, and the clear implication that plugging and unplugging was clearly a waste of time and energy.
My guess is that the folks in customer service go home after a shift, shaking their heads, and telling their families, “Now, I’ve heard it all. You wouldn’t believe what I had to deal with today.” Oh, I think I have some idea.
I'm Thinking...No! 