Yes, it’s “enrollment” time again. Actually, we all get Medicare at age 65, but as we now know, it doesn’t cover everything. So, we need to get a supplemental plan. My wife and I are covered by one that is subsidized by the state, because Herself was a public employee. That’s the good news. The bad news, of course, is that there are thousands of “Medicare Advantage” providers, separate, private insurance companies eager to “enroll us in their added programs, or really to snap us up in their claw traps. I know this because they all call us – daily. They come in not from the company names that show up on caller ID, but from private numbers, routed through cell phones, and often something our recognition identifies as “possible fraud”. Yes, it is.
There is a number of downsides to getting older, aside from the mounting number of things we can no longer do. Like standing up quickly or climbing stairs. There are the mounting daily concerns we have- did I remember to take my pills this morning or is there enough toilet paper on that roll? Daily confrontations with reality. Of course, we do get senior discounts on Tuesdays, and nobody checks our ID when we buy wine.
At this time of year, the health insurance companies unfurl their buffet of plans, hoping that we’ll buy into some of the hype. Remember when Joe Namath was offering us free meals, or rides to the doctor? Someone the other day offered me “cash back” before I had a chance to cut the call off. Maybe I should have listened more closely, but you know what they say about something that’s “too good to be true”. I suspect it may be related to that Nigerian prince that I helped unlock millions a few years back.
One of the true benefits of artificial intelligence, right up there with composing essay questions for high school and college students, is its ability to reach out to seniors in a meaningful and repetitive way to sell them unnecessary Medicare supplemental plans via robocalls. The real advantage of technology, too, is that these calls can circumvent my call-blocking programs by making them seem like they’re coming from someone’s home phone. As I said before, a name pops up, and I foolishly think it’s just a wrong number. But, no, I qualify for added benefits from a robo-voice that’s not to be put off. The insurance companies don’t want us to know it’s them. Or, perhaps it’s a scammer working from a basement call center in Mumbai. It’s hard to tell. We typically get half a dozen of these calls a day, but during the “open enrollment” period, which is running now until God only knows when, our newly available benefits are, to hear the commercials, much like winning Powerball.
Because, in addition to the frequent phone calls, there are the television commercials. Unlike anyone under 60, we tend to watch network television in real time. Yes, we do “stream” from time to time as well, but it’s only when we can remember the access codes so we can “sign in”. Shows like the evening news, or game shows like Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy don’t really work so well a day or two later, so we watch them. Medicare Plus ads, along with commercials for new medical conditions and their treatments, and all. We all know that, as fast as medical research can come up with new diseases, the drug companies are on them like spandex on a biker. I have often thought that, were I looking for a new career, I’d delve into the business of devising names for new medications. I really think I’d be good, because I know all of the letters of the alphabet, and in particular, those that are underused and fly under the radar. X, Y, and Q, for example, with the occasional Z. For many of the names, we stare at the television screen helplessly until that professional-sounding voice says it out loud two or three times over a crew of enthusiastic dancers. One thing I’ll say for these commercials, they never show people suffering from these conditions. They show us people moving happily about their daily lives, while that same pleasant voice tells us about all of the awful things that could result. I tell anyone who will listen that I wouldn’t take that treatment they inject into one’s eyeballs if I were totally blind. Or the depression medication that could give you “suicidal thoughts”. Or the sage advice to “tell your doctor about all the medications you’re taking”. I guess some people are taking medications prescribed by someone other than their physician, maybe Voodoo practitioner they met on a Caribbean Island. One other bit of advice for medications aimed at seniors, is to “tell your doctor if you intend to get pregnant”. If you’re successful, it’s a safe bet that he or she will read about it in a medical journal.
But, getting back to those wonderful Medicare Advantage plans they advertise, they have the transparency of a snake oil salesperson. The Medicare logo is prominently displayed, giving the impression that this is coming directly from the United States government. Then, if and when you read the bottom scroll, in tiny letters that are again aimed at seniors with deteriorating eyesight, there’s the clarifier: “not a government agency”. Aha!! And further, “Call this number to speak to a qualified insurance agent.” Yes, we’re not talking to Medicare, we’re talking to someone from Fred’s Health and Trampoline Insurance. Your call to the 1-800 number will be routed directly to . . . . a cave with a satellite dish in the mountains of Pakistan.
Some years ago, I wrote about getting older, and the sure signs that it’s happening. We know we’re getting older when a preponderance of ads are medications for joint pain and arthritis, hair restoration, wrinkly and spotted skin, and planning “spa days” with the grandkids in the walk-in bath, because we need a lower threshold. Even Christina on the Coast points out the hazards of getting into a bathtub. Or the folks that will clean out our junk from the garage and basement. I keep pointing at it, but nothing happens . . . it’s all still there. Oh, they feature slightly younger people dancing around, but we all know it’s aimed at older folks heading for assisted living. Because next comes an ad for “A Place for Mom” or in-home care services. At least I haven’t seen those “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads recently, so perhaps everybody our age now has an alert system. They also have ads for those stairlifts, the ones that you sit on and up they go. If we had stairs, I’d get one. I do keep up my regimen of exercises. When the weather was warmer, I’d walk to the mail house to pick up the daily mail. But it’s getting too cold to do that, so I have some modified indoor things that I can do. Like counting steps to and from the bathroom. My bladder is fully cooperating here. The unintentional thrust, which I pioneered in a previous blog, involves frequently reaching down to pick up something that slipped out of my hands. This also comes into play when I reach into the dryer to retrieve a second sock that’s managed to adhere to the farthest reaches. Or turning clothes that the agitator in the washer has thoughtfully turned inside out. Putting away dishes, pots and pans, unloading groceries. All exercise that I count to the good, and will positively offset the occasional treats I allow myself. Yes, indeed. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle in retirement is just the ticket to counterbalance many of the services of a Medicare Advantage plan.
In addition to these “advantages”, there are the folks calling me with annoying frequency to market “final expenses.” Yes, at almost 73, I haven’t thought about that, because I plan to live to well over 100, if my regimen of red wine and dark chocolate work as they should. We are covered for that, thank you very much. Yes, I know how much the average funeral costs. And, yes again, we made out wills some time ago, so that’s covered too. Stop reminding me about all the things for which we need to plan. Although, it would add a bit of “spice” if folks were required to include the extent of their “final planning” in their obituary notices. “Beloved by all and deeply missed by his family, Fred was seriously negligent in making his final plans known, leaving his family to make everything up for the services. We’ll be passing the hat at the funeral home because he left his few remaining possessions to his bulldog, Max.”
Anyway, I can’t wait for the Medicare Advantage enrollment period to end. I notice that it coincides with hunting season. They’re trying to catch us like deer in the headlights, susceptible and unsuspecting. That we’ll answer the phone and, suddenly, it seems like a good idea. We’ll take Joe Namath at his word for a free meal or a free ride. Although I haven’t seen Joe lately – maybe he’s now in A Place for Mom. But, as we all know with insurance of any sort, there’s no “free ride.”
I'm Thinking...No! 