Some years back, when this blog was in its infancy, in 2018, and yes, I can’t believe that I’ve been writing this now for eight years, I wrote about the wonderful influx of catalogs, mostly clothing, that we get on a weekly basis. Now that the holidays are approaching, well, that influx has swelled into a flood worthy of the Mississippi delta. The season has officially begun.
During the year, maybe two or three a day, some from familiar vendors, as I said, mostly clothes and shoes, from whom we’d ordered before, others from companies whose names are less recognized. At least, I’ve never heard of them, although Herself probably has an account there. November 1st seems to be the opening salvo, the first major blast where they’re too numerous to fit in the mailbox. It’s kind of like the sports playoffs except more intense. They’re all jammed in, competing for space and importance. I know, I’m not sure how that happens either. Totally defies the laws of physics. All I know is that somewhere in the world glossy trees are dying needlessly to provide us with information we can’t begin to absorb. No wonder the rainforest is shrinking. It’s all going to catalogs. You’d think that with television and social media marketing, that printed catalogs would be a thing of the past. Something that Lucy and Ethel would look through when Ricky and Fred weren’t around. But you’d be wrong. They’re still there in abundance. There was a time when I’d do some selective pruning, tossing out many before they even came into the house. That was, until the Princess, thinking she was doing her civic duty, exposed my little scheme. Now, I have to pass them all along.
Today was a mix of categories. Some of you may remember the days when Sears, or Montgomery Ward sent a book the size of the Gutenberg Bible that included anything and everything you could possibly want? They had underwear, refrigerators, work boots, and Lincoln logs. There was a time when you could order a house from Sears, and different styles were in the catalogue. That must have been when old Roebuck was still alive. Now, we have “boutique” catalogs – specialty items that we can’t live without, like printed T-shirts with cute sayings like “You are expecting greatness, and here I am!”. These selections feature all kinds of clothes from third and fourth tier designers working from their basements. Ball gowns in leopard prints with matching capes. T-shirts or sweatshirts with wolves on the front. You know the ones. Their website was designed by a group of mountaineers in Idaho. Their corporate offices, though, are in the Maldives, with a post office box in Iowa where you can reach them day and night. When Customer Service follows up, it’s from a number that leaves caller ID too stunned to respond.
Perusing recent arrivals, I was struck by something interesting. Two catalogs – one sporting a gardening supply emblem, and another, a gift catalog, were virtually identical. The gardening one caught my eye because, well, I garden. It was not really something that Farmer Brown would enjoy, though. No seeds or fertilizer, and the garden tools all came in monogrammed pocket bags. It consisted primarily of blooming bulbs in decorative tubs and planters. These are all the ones that take about four months to sprint from the soil, look absolutely stunning for four or five days, then you cut them all back and say numerous prayers that they’ll grow again. They have about as much chance as the tulips in my front yard. These lovely bulbs are selling for about fifty bucks a pop. HINT: you can buy the same things at Home Depot for a fraction of that. The difference must be those faux plastic containers with the lively holiday plaid ribbons. Those decorative tubs come all the way from China, which adds significantly to the cost. So, here I am, with two virtually identical catalogs, different covers, and different locations. I think some of these companies operate out of corporate motor homes. Their call centers use burner phones routed through unsuspecting cell subscribers.
One catalog really caught my eye. Its theme is Western Americana, with liberal splashes of Kincaid artwork. In fact, they even have several pages of a Kincaid / Disney mix. Mickey is sitting on a turn-of-the-century front porch in front of glowing windows. The Little Mermaid is swimming up to a Victorian, candle-lit manse. Those, by the way, can be purchased on elegant throws for one’s sofa. Can you just imagine the HGTV designers using those in one of their make-overs? I thought it might be hilarious to send this catalog to the hosts of “Love It or List It”, though I wouldn’t be there to see their reactions. I can see Hillary, or now, Page, turning pale and running from the house. Even David would be laughing. This company also sells beautiful decorative sculptures. I pointed out a couple to my wife. She went all “thumbs down”, giving me what I call her “school principal” look, on a “Prime of Life Moose” (I kid you not – that’s the way it was described in the catalog) and another featuring a Grizzly Bear paw. Now, those just will look elegant anywhere, and suiting any décor. Apparently, wolf and fox cubs are also big in the circles to which this company markets. In the unlikely event that we decide to move to a wilderness lodge, this catalog will come in mighty handy.
There are topical themed catalogs. For example, we get one from a supplier “of counsel”. Susan bought something for our nephew, an attorney, on line there many years ago, and we continue to get their features. A nice assortment of frames for diplomas, gavels, the Scales of Justice, and legal statuary. Not too many T-shirts with lawyer jokes on them, though. It must not fashionable in the legal community to make jokes about attorneys. That falls to the rest of us. We also get a horse-themed catalog because, again, Susan bought a gift for my former secretary, who kept horses, years ago from their website, and the catalogues are the gifts that keep on giving. We don’t do a lot of shopping from this place. A throw over a chair in the living room with a large horse face staring out at me can be terrifying should I wake during the night. And truth be told, I hung up my spurs many years ago. While similar to the Wild West catalog, it’s much more horse-specific. It’s also a great source of saddles, along with cowboy hats and boots, which we Easterners tend not to wear so much. I did see a man in the grocery store though, wearing one. Must be a misplaced Texan with his palomino tied up out front.
Rounding out the pile are knick-knack catalogs. Right now, they have Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations. Before that, the it was Halloween-themed inside and outside decorations. They appeared in mid-August, about the time pumpkin spice coffee arrived. Our friend, Lady Peacock, came to lunch yesterday, and in the course of conversation, mentioned that she hadn’t put out her Thanksgiving decorations. Apparently, she has some. We don’t have much. But I always flip through the seasonal catalogues, thinking, “Oh, that’s nice. Would look pretty on the mantel.” Then I remember that we have crates of things we thought would “look pretty on the mantel,” boxed in the basement. That’s because we have dozens of decorations and just the one mantel. One item I read about, which was actually several in different sizes that could be clustered, was very nice – clear crystal Christmas trees. Simple, elegant, $240. Those won’t be gracing our home any time soon unless I win the lottery, or even then. No, not even then. Perhaps in the new ballroom at the White House. The big items in recent years for Christmas are pre-lit bits of greenery. Wreaths, swags, ropes, pine cones, mini-trees. They all sparkle out at you, making the holiday season so much brighter for the electric company. Some wreaths are battery operated. How does that work? I figure they would need to be replaced daily, unless you only light them up for a half hour or so. Should we buy AA’s by the case?
For the veteran catalog collector, be advised that things taper off after the holidays. Many will be replaced by store fliers for sheets and kitchen appliances, all of which go on sale in January. That will continue until cars in February. Although, technically not in catalogues, we do see a lot of car sales on television for Christmas. That’s coming, but does anyone reading this know of anyone in their circle of friends and family that actually gives a new car for Christmas, other than Jeff Bezos or the chairman of Ford? An upscale new car or truck parked in the driveway with a huge red bow? I’ve never seen it. Then summer swimwear arrives. If you haven’t seen my writings on the marketing seasons, you might want to refer back. Please don’t feel, however, that the catalog producers are ignoring you. They’ll be sending out catalogs with joyful abandon again by the box load in April and May, when you’ll get everything for the great outdoors – colorful cushions, patio furniture, more for the garden, deck umbrellas, gates and fences, and lots of other useful stuff. Coinciding with this will be alerts from environmental groups that once again, trees are disappearing from the landscape at alarming rates. We’ll all know why. Lawn ornaments are back.
I'm Thinking...No! 