President Trump has made no secret of late that he’s looking to expand the borders of the United States. He’s identified several potential “targets”, and as he’s built his business empire on acquisitions of property, he must know what he’s doing. His latest target is Greenland, which is apparently rich in natural resources and in a strategically important location. But, let’s face it, it’s cold – most of it frozen. How in the world can older Americans flock to a place like that, with few tropical amenities? Has he never heard the term, “Snowbirds”? We’d assume as his primary residence is now Florida . . . From what I’ve seen, there isn’t a golf course in sight on Greenland. No pools with swim-up bars. Its waters are infested with icebergs, and we all know what happened to the Titanic. Could this be a port of call for cruise ships? I don’t see it myself. I say, let the Danes keep it. Not worth the trouble.
The Canadians too have overwhelmingly resisted joining the United States. Apparently, the thought of becoming part of the United States of North America hasn’t quite the appeal Mr. Trump envisioned. Canadians are sticking tenaciously to their sovereignty, along with “O, Canada” and the Maple Leaf. I have to say, too, that the Canadian Parliament building is a beautiful, old-world edifice, but it does lack a grand ballroom. Any renovations that Mr. Trump would make, including renaming it “Trump Castle” and converting it to a luxury hotel, would be seriously reduce its value. That and the fact that Mr. Trump doesn’t speak French. In fact, his English is barely passable, if his tweets are anything to go by.
Mr. Trump spoke early-on about bulldozing Gaza, relocating the Palestinians, and converting that into a resort area, as it has miles of lovely beaches on the Mediterranean. He dropped that plan when the world expressed a fair bit of outrage, particularly as the Palestinians have been there for thousands of years. There is the question of where to relocate them. There are a number of red states that we could make autonomous and give away, although that might meet with resistance from the locals.
The recent “head-of-state snatch” from Venezuela, followed by Trump’s announcement that the “US would be running Venezuela” in the near future, suggests another option for a 51st state. Dipping our toe into South American waters, as it were. A major problem, though, is that ICE agents are deporting Venezuelans currently in the US back to their home country. If it becomes ours, then where do we send them? The other big issue, of course, is that, while a certain volume of drugs brought into the US may, or may not, be on those speedboats we’re blowing up in the Gulf of Mexico America, far more is coming through Mexico, assembled from chemicals made in China. So, if we truly want to cut down on the importation of illegal, lethal drugs, we really should make a play for Mexico. That’s quite a bit more difficult. Mexicans are even more resistant to foreign takeover than Canadians. We’d do well to remember how well Emperor Maximillian, an Austrian prince installed there, worked out in the 19th century. Although, in fairness, I’d be willing to give them back Texas, if we added Ted Cruz and Governor Abbott into the deal.
In a recent speech to the World Economic Forum, Mr. Trump awkwardly confused Iceland and Greenland. True, they’re both ice-covered islands in the North Atlantic. We also know that, from his first term, when Hurricane Maria hit Puerto Rico, he didn’t seem fully aware that PR is actually part of the United States. Rather, he thinks it’s an island from which waitstaff and housekeepers come. Oddly, geography isn’t his strong suit, which is puzzling for someone that has a global empire of often bankrupt resorts. Perhaps he subconsciously is planning to take over Iceland as well, with its spectacular scenery, hot springs, and all. Yes, I can just see Trump-Iceland becoming as popular as Trump-Gaza.
America’s record of empire-building is spotty at best. We acquired the Philippines, along with Puerto Rico and Guam, only to have to let them go to independence. We had South Vietnam in the palm of our hands, only to let it slip away. We installed the Shah in Iran, and that too didn’t work out too well for us. Nor did Afghanistan. In fact, the only real land acquisitions we’ve successfully made were the Louisiana Purchase and buying Alaska from Russia. We could point to the hostile takeover of Hawaii too, where we deposed and imprisoned the Queen, but why quibble over details. Conquest is conquest. If anyone is up to the task of recreating the great, worldwide empires of the past, a latter-day Napoleon Bonaparte, the very person to lead that charge is Donald J. Trump.
So, if we’re to recommence adding territory to the United States, my firm recommendation is that we take over warmer lands that we seniors can enjoy. Tahiti, for example, is isolated and probably unarmed. It’s ripe for a takeover. Aruba and the Virgin Islands. I’ve always wanted to go there, but don’t want to have to renew my passport. We could buy Bermuda from, well, whoever owns it now. In fact, anything in the Caribbean, or as it will henceforth be known, the Trumpibbean, flowing into the Gulf of Mexico America, is fair game. Let’s make Jamaica and Cuba Great Again! Let’s start printing up those new maps and atlases now, and get those hats and t-shirts into production.
I'm Thinking...No! 