And other questions not to ask Alexa, if you don’t want your life story to end up on the True Crime Network. As writer Dave Barry would say, “I swear I’m not making this up.” Full disclosure, I’m not. These were pulled from actual news stories.
A former professional football player, it was reported in the news recently, has been charged with killing his girlfriend, and then, in possibly the worst, or least sensible way to handle the discovery, asked ChatGPT, for its advice in disposing of the body. Apparently, he was not aware – perhaps too many hits to the head without wearing his helmet, that any AI info is captured and stored. His claim that she “stabbed herself” and he was just handling the situation as best he could, seemed a bit flimsy in retrospect. Do people not know that these types of technology searches, along with phone records and texts, don’t ever go away? And will probably figure prominently in front of a jury?
A news item caught my attention a short while ago that really got me to thinking about family and family relationships. How quickly they can deteriorate, and how limited some people are when it comes to problem-solving or mediation. It spoke about a real estate agent and self-published author who is also a mother of three, out in Utah, who tragically lost her husband. She went on to write about her experiences of pain and loss in a children’s book. Shortly after, she was arrested, and it turns out, convicted of killing him. That puts a slightly different slant on her grief, doesn’t it? The story goes on to describe her financial struggles with her house-flipping business as her motivation. She’d hoped that the life insurance policy she took out on her husband, without his knowledge, would help pay off her debts. So, according to the court’s account, she laced her husband’s drink and sandwich with fentanyl back. She was convicted on multiple counts, and will be sentenced in May. This lady probably won’t be on any book tours any time soon – at least not for 25 or more years. However, I do see a book sequel in this story’s future, along with a television series – a “true crime”, but I doubt that she can use the profits to pay off what she owes, what with being in the slammer and all. Perhaps the book sales might provide nicely for her children.
In another interesting case, a woman here in Massachusetts is on trial for poisoning her boyfriend back in 2022. A love triangle that, shall we say, got out of hand. So, on his birthday, she put antifreeze in his Poweraid. Apparently, according to the prosecution, the Poweraid was sweet and fruity, and so was the antifreeze. I would submit that, under similar circumstances, I’d have noticed, and asked her, “Does this Poweraid taste a little off to you?” Yes, indeed, more material for a True Crime feature.
And yet again, another story from last fall details a Connecticut housewife who attempted to poison her husband – not completely successful – as she’s being charged with “tampering with evidence” and attempted murder in what has been described as a custody battle. Once again, antifreeze was used. Apparently, strychnine is has fallen from grace as the poison of choice, perhaps because of its bitter taste, while cyanide emits a scent of almonds. (I know that from watching too much Hercule Poirot, not from any direct experience.)
Further, a Massachusetts man is on trial in the mysterious disappearance of his wife. His contention was that she died suddenly in bed, and he, in a state of panic, tried to dispose of the body. Which didn’t really ring true when investigators found body parts in trash bags, along with a life insurance policy for her worth millions, naming him sole beneficiary. And internet searches about the best methods for killing, disposing of the body, a stash of tools for cutting up the body along with a protective suit, and how to clean up afterward. That coupled with his rather sketchy past for trying to sell fake artworks, would tend to seal the deal to his disadvantage. I’m guessing that he won’t be receiving checks from either the insurance company or royalties from the True Crime Network.
So, what happened to the good old-fashioned methods of getting rid of an unwanted partner? Henry VIII would simply announce that his current wife would go on trial on Tuesday morning, and the beheading was scheduled for a week from Thursday. He’d already booked the swordsman and a nice, grassy spot in the Tower of London. Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette were superfluous and expensive, so Dr. Guillotin’s invention was happy to oblige, a further refinement on the ax and sword. Tsar Nicholas and his family didn’t really fit in with Lenin’s plans, so down to the basement they went with a firing squad. A bit of acid and an old mine shaft, and voila – gone. Evidence suggests that the remains were moved around a bit – possibly to avoid discovery, but actually, they’re back now, and what’s left of them lies in the family chapel in St. Petersburg. Problem solved, and the Russian government is free to invade Ukraine.
But back to doing away with troublesome spouses. We older folks, or more recent film scholars, know of the classic film, “Double Indemnity”. As the purpose of these writings is to inform as well as entertain, “double indemnity” refers to a clause in some life insurance contracts where, should the insured die under rare circumstances, like accidental death or murder, the payout doubles. The film stars late actor Fred MacMurray as an insurance salesman who falls for the alluring Barbara Stanwyck. Together, they plot to kill her husband and collect the insurance money. Unhappiness and life insurance – what a lethal combination. How many times have we seen that? It’s the “stuff” of ingenious plots and amazing stupidity. Has the “perfect” murder ever been committed? Some perpetrators manage to get away with it for a while, like O. J. Simpson, but it most often catches up with them at some point. They don’t typically retire to a quiet retreat with their ill-gotten gains.
Here are a few of my helpful hints should any of my readers be contemplating doing away with someone they know – family, friends, heirs, or anyone who is named on an insurance policy.
#1. Don’t use your cell, iPAD, or computer to conduct any online searches relating to “best methods” for doing away with someone, and worse, to get rid of the body. As one of the great detectives, I forget which one, once said, killing isn’t the hard part. Getting rid of the body is, and that’s where most killers, according to my television watching, trip up.
#2. If you don’t have the necessary tools, particularly for cutting up and dismembering the corpse, don’t pop down to your local hardware store to pick up what you need. You’re sure to be caught on surveillance cameras, and your image will become Prosecution Exhibits B and C when you come to trial.
#3. Don’t bury the bodies in plastic bags. That’s a sure give-away, as it appears to slow down decomposition, and your fingerprints will preserve nicely. And further, don’t just throw your blood-spattered clothing in the nearest dumpster. The police are sure to find it, along with photos of you wearing that outfit on your vacation last year.
#4. If you have to use your vehicle to transport the corpse, be sure to trade it in right afterward. You’ll never get the bloodstains out of upholstery and carpeting – it always shows up under blacklight. Further, don’t trade it in for a shiny, new car either. That’s another give-away.
In full disclosure, Her Ladyship and I do have some life insurance, but just enough to cover what is known as “final expenses”. There won’t be any bodies buried in the back yard, except possibly a rabbit or a squirrel. No trained dogs sniffing through a swamp, the apple orchard out back, or up and down Route 93. No bones to be unearthed in the community garden. Neither of us should disappear without a trace, so don’t bother calling in Miss Marple. “Double Indemnity” won’t apply. Nothing like the Lifetime movie preview that we saw this morning, “I had to kill my neighbor.” I think we’re on fairly friendly terms with ours.
I'm Thinking...No! 