No doubt about it – the topic is morbidly fascinating. As I get older, I find myself checking out the obituary pages more and more. They’ve evolved over the years for simple, skeletal outlines of a person’s life – place of birth, parents, spouse and family, military service, jobs and hobbies. Slowly, whoever is writing these is attempting poetic flights of fancy with phrases like – “passed into the hands of God” or “stepped off the Heavenly cliff”. As we don’t know exactly where the dearly departed ended up, this could be misleading. “Dropped in the fiery abyss” may well be more accurate, or to some survivors, a more fitting end.
Let’s go for a little straight talk, like the credit card commercials on TV. “Surrounded by loving family” – ok maybe a few intrepid souls, but really? Were they all there sobbing into damp tissues? Possibly one or two were standing guard, while a few others were watching CSI reruns, checking their watches, or looking for copies of the will downstairs. “Loved by all who know her”. Quite possibly, but not after her dementia turned her into a shrill old bat with whom a ten-minute visit was an excruciating ordeal. Except the neighbors when she stood on the front porch in an old bathrobe calling her cat, “Firefly” at 6 in the morning. Maybe not so much by the nursing staff at Gentle Oaks who had to tie him into his chair so he wouldn’t move up and down the hallways with his hospital gown flopping open. One’s succumbing to the afterlife tends to bring out wonderfully fond fantasies that may or may not have existed in real life. The ugly scenes retreat in our memorial archives to be replaced by smiles, fluffy clouds, and warm embraces. I’m going on record as being slightly skeptical of “beloved by everyone who knew him.” Pictures are also sometimes misleading. While we don’t really want to see a photo Gramma hooked up to an oxygen mask, it can be traumatic for us casual readers to see a young, vibrant person only to read that they died at age 94. What happened – they never had another picture taken? They grew older in an undisclosed location, like Dick Cheney? Sometimes you can tell that the picture is older – a military uniform from Spanish-American War, for example, or standing next to Woodrow Wilson. But otherwise, I’m sucked into believing someone was cut down in the prime of life, with all of the false sympathy that entails, only to discover that, no, they led a life envied by Methuselah.
Life accomplishments and career experiences are an area where some go way overboard. “Hal operated a backhoe for 38 years. Some of his proudest accomplishments are waterline ditches on Summer and School Streets, as well as his impressive work on the overpass out on Highway 24.” Let’s keep those grand life accomplishments private, shall we, along with items such as “enjoyed going to the beach”, “chasing cats around the backyard”, and “playing strip poker”. One of my favorites is “most of all, enjoyed time spent with family”. Doesn’t this include almost everyone you know, with the possible exceptions of Henry David Thoreau and Ivan the Terrible?
Some of the departed seem to have taken up the challenge to “go forth and multiply” quite literally. Survivors include grandchildren and greatgrandchildren, and they died at age 62. Who are these people, descendants of mountain people like the Hatfields and the McCoys if they’d been able to get along? Obviously, the phrase, “Just Say No” didn’t factor into their lives at any point. Adding to the excitement, some families blatantly disregard the rules of familial ties. Ever read those, where no two relatives have the same last name? What happened here – did they just make up names? “Jeff Jeffreys is survived by his loving wife, June Junebug, his parents Paul Fishbait and Sally Sue Clutterman, late grandparents Fred Fernbag and Felicia Philistine, daughters Millie Birdbrain and Sarah Sunshine, nephew Bart Gillyweed.” Sadly, Jeff’s time of creating last name confusion came to a screeching halt too early. There will be surcharges galore if this family signs up on Ancestry.com. Their DNA sample won’t survive the x-ray machine at the airport, let alone lab analysis.
Which brings up the question of details. For anyone that passes under the age of fifty-five, we need details. Simply putting “died suddenly” or “passed unexpectedly” is not nearly enough for us faithful readers. If you’re going to put an announcement in the newspaper, privacy is off the table anyway, so the family may as well fill us in on all of the sordid details. Some time ago, my cousin related a story about a gentleman that “died suddenly”. It appears that he was standing on a wrought iron patio chair changing a light bulb when he fell into the swimming pool and was tragically electrocuted. All of the details were published in the obituary. Now, that’s the kind of reporting that really spices up an obit and keeps us readers coming back for more. Give us something of substance here – was it accidental, an unknown congenital condition, teased his pitbull “Crusher” one too many times? Every so often, but not nearly enough, we get some of storyline in news items. Exotic pets for example, an enraged orangutan burst free and attacked its owner. A pet python, “Gentle Ben”, turned out not to be so gentle as previously thought. Alligators really aren’t as cuddly as they seem. But come on, obit writers, we shouldn’t have to rely on YouTube to find out what happened to the “Bear Man”.
When it comes to survivors, who to list? I say, if you didn’t have much human contact and have to really “dig deeply” (okay – I shouldn’t have, and I apologize), don’t expand the circle to make it look like you did. Be honest. It should be ok to say, “led a reclusive life, truly didn’t care much for others, didn’t talk to anyone except to yell at the neighborhood kids, and isn’t really survived by anyone other than an occasional burglar looking for cash and valuables.” Some list everyone the deceased ever met or came in contact. “Survived by Fred Miller four doors down, who often picked up her mail.” Not really “survived by” material. “She was very close to Carl, bagboy at Grocery Express, who also brought her lemonade and walked her dog.” Okay, Carl is either a good Samaritan or just a little creepy. The local police should probably be keeping an eye on Carl. And please don’t list pets as survivors either. “Leaves behind his beloved Yorkshire terriers Furball and Fang, who wander the house distraught and bewildered.” Totally not necessary – we all know they’ll take to the next person that gives them a doggie treat.
As I create the next generation of obituary phrases, I am completely willing to offer my services to funeral homes and grieving families everywhere for tasteful yet attention-grabbing notices that are guaranteed to boost readership and overall circulation. I’m putting out some appropriate samples that readers may feel free to use at their leisure. These include:
“Muriel was beloved by some, while many others found her rather irritating.”
“John will be greatly missed by his business partners, who were robbing him blind for a number of years. Multiple lawsuits are pending by his immediate family. Meanwhile, ‘Rainy Day Investments’ will be closed for an undetermined period of time.”
“The Rottweiler tethered to the front porch was an indicator of Phil’s warmth and friendliness.”
“The entire staff at Bubbling Brook Assisted Living assembled in the parking lot to pay Phyllis a fond farewell, tossing confetti and passing around glasses of champagne.”
“George loved his guns, right up to the final tragic mishap when he thought the safety clip was on.”
“In later years, Julia tended to repeat her beloved stories. Is there anyone on the East Coast who hasn’t heard the knitting needles in the sofa cushion story? If someone tells it more time, I swear I’ll . . . . . .”
“Known as the ‘Cat Lady of Oak Street’, Clara will be remembered by her neighbors, the Animal Control Officer, the city Department of Sanitation, and by everyone at the Pet Rescue League.”
“Humphrey left his entire estate to the Forest Protection Society as a final statement to his grandchildren, who wouldn’t know a ‘thank-you’ note if it danced across the screens of their cellphones.”
I'm Thinking...No! 