I’d like to thank the wonderful folks in marketing for throwing my internal seasonal calendar all out of kilter. Remember when we didn’t hear Christmas music until, well, Christmas? Now it’s playing in Home Depot right after Columbus Day. By Veterans Day, we’re ready to take bows and arrows to reindeer and toss the venison in the freezer for Thanksgiving.
The people in merchandizing have ruined the seasons for us. It all began with swimsuit ads in February and March. By Father’s Day, we were shopping “back to school”. Really? If you hadn’t updated your winter wardrobe by Labor Day, it was all over. Everything from snowblowers to barbecue grills go on sale at least four months before you could safely use them. Last year, I went looking for bedroom slippers in the fall. Everywhere I went, they were “out of stock”. One clerk told me, with a straight face, mind you, that slippers are “spring items”. That makes sense – you really want to be wearing fuzzy slippers in front of the air conditioner. Thank goodness Walmart stocks every possible item all year round – that’s why the Chinese economy is humming and their stores are the size of Delaware.
I thought, obviously a false assumption, that holidays were meant to rather nicely spread out the year. There was fine pacing between Christmas and Easter, with Valentine’s Day to add splashes of red to an otherwise dreary winter landscape. Summer is really fun all by itself, so we’ll celebrate July 4th to kick things off. Labor Day is that boot in the rear that reminds us school’s starting and it’s time to get serious. I mean it people, no more splashing in the pool, back off those trips to the beach, every one back to work – the party’s over. That’s why there are no official Labor Day colors. Just throw the last of the hot dogs on the grill and call it a weekend. Ever notice that the biggies have a color scheme? Christmas is red and green, although some people keep trying to inject blue and silver into the decorating. Thanksgiving is home to earth tones – browns, oranges, and muted yellows. Easter is all bubbly with pinks and pastels. Nope, Labor Day definitely loses out in the color department. Too late for green grass, too early for fall foliage.
It’s not too early for the baristas of the world to start messing with our taste buds, though. One of my favorite chains of coffee shops rolled out the pumpkin latte right after Labor Day, but it was fading fast by late October. Are you kidding me? The pumpkin season ends at Thanksgiving. Didn’t anyone see the disintegrating pumpkins on my front steps? Then you can bring out the peppermint. But no, pumpkin spice virtually disappeared from the shelves unless I buy the leftovers at a discount store, clearly marked “best used by 2014”. After Christmas, I used to be able to get reliably “winter” flavors – gingerbread, cinnamon French toast. All the great “seasonal” classics are gone with the wind, replaced by marshmellowy, caramelly sweet flavors that I’m forced to endure but don’t really like. I’ve also seen, and you may have too, a new one – “sugar cookie” because none of us really ever gets enough sugar. Let’s just add an insulin pump to that favorite flavor.
Which brings me to holiday decorating. Raise your hand if you’re with me here. Halloween was a carved pumpkin on the front step. On to uncarved pumpkins, perhaps a cornstalk or two and a few gourds for Thanksgiving. At Christmas, wreaths on the door and candles in the windows. (I remember those specifically because, growing up in an old house in the country, we’d be running extension cords from the next town. You’d ask the guy at the hardware store if he was sure he had nothing longer than 100’.) Someone in the house was designated to go and tighten the bulbs so they’d light up. Then you had to make another sweep to turn them off before going to bed, which was a finger-burning experience. My bedroom was on the back of the house but I wanted to be part of the excitement. Nobody saw my lights except a wild turkey and squirrel or two that missed the memo on hibernation. Wasn’t that so Currier and Ives? Now, the gentle candles have been replaced with inflatable Snoopy the size of Moby Dick. For some folks, taste and dignity have been replaced by what I suspect are cases of 5-Hour Energy. When did factories in China start producing blow-up Santas and elves that look like the Michelin Men by the kajillion and sending them all to us? We could cut the trade deficit in half by halting the import of plastic reindeer. Houses, woodlands, and nearby swamps are all lit up like the Disney parade in the Magic Kingdom. Americans aren’t conserving energy, they’re squandering it all on Christmas displays. There are even tv show competitions to see who can create the most extensive (i.e. gaudiest, most obnoxious) displays of Christmas lights. Can you imagine being the house next door? You wouldn’t sleep for weeks, nor would you be able to get out of the driveway because the street is bumper to bumper with lookers. I can just hear the conversation now. “OK, Madge, let’s set up the cots and stock up the bomb shelter. The Farkles are setting up the Christmas lights – we can’t get to Piggly Wiggly until New Years.” Just when you think it’s safe to go outside again, Easter arrives and the inflatable bunnies, chicks, and eggs all make their appearance. There was a house near where I used to teach that truly got into the holiday spirit. Their Christmas yard display seemed like acres of decorative crap – the North Pole didn’t have that many elves. The Easter display was equally momentous. This family must rent a warehouse to store all that stuff. Either that or the house looks like an episode of “Hoarders”. So, while we’re enjoying the holiday spirit, have a great Valentine’s Day. I’m off to do my Saint Patrick’s Day shopping. Green swim trunks, anyone?
I'm Thinking...No! 