From time to time, I can’t resist reposting some things that are truly ageless. One is wrapping Christmas, birthday, or other big event gifts. I really can’t abide those new car commercials with a bow on the hood. Really? No thought went into that whatsoever. There’s a Toyota commercial this year that has a bunch of cars fully wrapped for the holidays. Now that’s more like it. As our house fills up with new arrivals and takes on a certain “warehouse” look obscuring the house decorations we put out in a nod to tradition. Because in rereading this, much still works, and I’m therefore sharing the joy again. While more’s the pity that some of the worl doesn’t wrap, here in the United States, the boon that we provide to retail is equaled only by the astronomical purchases we make to help the wrapping paper and ribbon industries flourish. We’re making these ventures Build Back Better. I’m suggesting that, as the Great British Baking Show is wildly popular, and now with chocolate version that I enjoy watching but hope never to attempt, it’s time for the Great American Wrapping Show. Twelve contestants are selected to compete wrapping and decorating all sorts of shapes and sizes of presents. There could be Bike Week, or Boots without Boxes. Anything with rectangles or squares is off the table. No bags, no gift boxes, no premade bows. Contestants must fashion their own decorative embellishments, and anyone caught sneaking accessories from Walmart around the tent flaps is immediately dismissed. Her Ladyship could be the Paul and Pru of decorative gift wraps. HGVT and the Hallmark Channel might produce webinars, and emergency ZOOM available conferences should someone’s wrapping go really badly.
We have a couple of ironclad traditions in our house, codified many years ago by my late mother-in-law, who’s rule over the holidays was absolute and inviolate. Any deviations were as unthinkable as tofu turkey on Christmas Day. What we call the Big Three are:
Rule # 1: Nobody but nobody can have two Christmas gifts wrapped in the same paper. An extension of this protocol is that no two presents in close proximity to each other under the tree can have the same or similar paper. Balance and contrast, People!!
Rule # 2: All bows must be judiciously removed from the package, squashed into a box or bag, and saved for reuse next year. (A sidebar is that these bows will never be used again because a) their condition is deplorable, having been squashed into a box or bag from last year, and b) they’re the wrong color and don’t match the updated paper patterns we’re now using. This will result in the purchase of bags of new bows – another bit of economic stimulus.)
Rule # 3: Save the Boxes!! We had an inventory of approximately six thousand gift boxes in the basement that are unusable because “they smell musty”. So, each year we buy quantities of new boxes. Do we actually throw out the old ones? Of course not. They’re “good boxes”, in fact too good to throw out. So we save them, creating the dual benefits of clutter and fire hazard. Have you ever noticed that used gift boxes don’t really “collapse” neatly and evenly like they did when we first bought them? The corners tear, the sides bow out, and by the time we’re ready to reuse them, they look like dumpster rescues.
Some hardy souls buy rivers of ribbon and tie their own bows. I’ve seen this done in stores that hired professional “wrappers” as a service for their customers. If you have seen this, or taken advantage of this service, you’re most likely on or eligible for Social Security. Or you may too have wandered into a mall. For the millennials, a mall is a huge building in which crowds of senior citizens go for their daily walk before the stores open. The kindly wrappers would allow you to pick from a generous selection of papers and various accoutrements to the wrapping process, and the customer received a beautiful, decorative package in the right box size.
Some people, my wife included, produce gifts that are true works of art. The corners are beautifully wrought, the overlap is exactly in the center, the ribbons perfectly diagonal over opposite corners. That’s the way I always envision my gifts coming out before I actually wrap them. Now to be fair, my wife’s wrapping takes place under controlled conditions – the dining room table, a flat, secure surface, with scissors, tape, tissue paper all within arm’s reach. Anyone passing by at this inopportune time is liable to be swaddled in silver and gold with crimson bows across the forehead. My wrapping is done surreptitiously at the last moment – on a bed where the package is bouncing up and down, with me running out to grab the scissors or tape which I forgot to sneak in. A key factor in the wrapping, however, is that I’m using the odds and ends of what were originally entire rolls of paper. What that means is that nothing quite fits. The box is either too large, and the gift is sliding around inside, or it’s way too small and I have to stuff something into it. In the latter case, I now have to tape the box, which is bulging and doesn’t fit the attractive contours I’d planned. The paper goes about three quarters of the way around the box, leaving an exposed strip. If it’s a striped paper, I can use a marker to fill in the gaps, but if it’s a complex pattern of poinsettias or angel wings, I am forced to cut a patch strip. That results in the next thing I wrap in angel wings will run a little short and . . . . . I’ve never been able to execute those hospital corners on my packages. I fold the paper over neatly, match in somewhere in the middle, and then go after the short sides with fear and trepidation. It’s often there that the corners rip through the paper, exposing the box. Several applications of repair tape later, it looks like something a homeless package would wear. All it needs is ribbons with the fingers cut out. Manufacturers of bows really need to get focused a bit more. The small adhesive squares they put on the back of each bow never stay in place for more than ten minutes. If you’re travelling with these packages, prepare yourself that the bows won’t make it out of the driveway, and were probably off by the time the gift went into its travel accommodations. I try to tape the bows on. Often it’s successful, but sometimes it fights me when I reach under to apply it, tearing the decorative finish off the paper. Now I have to look for a bigger bow to cover the paper’s white underwear.
Some people like to add garnishes to their gifts. My brother, for example, is renowned for adding twigs, shriveled stalks of holly or celery, or even bits of tree bark to truly enhance the visual impact of gift-giving. Of course, he’s also known for wrapping in old newspapers and other bits of discarded paper products. Many members of the family have been left speechless over the years by the sheer range of his decorative skills.
Whoever came up with the gift bag concept is truly brilliant. Stuff a sweater, shirt, or scarf into it, drizzle it in matching tissue paper, and voila, an unbelievably elegant gift! We couldn’t have come up with that forty years ago? For years, we’ve been tearing off the paper with reckless abandon (while being careful to “saving the bows”), while gift bags are totally reusable. Just take off the tags, fold them up and store them in the basement until next year. Oh, wait – we may need new ones because these smell “musty, are a bit squashed, and are totally the wrong color.” I’m thinking . . . . . .
I'm Thinking...No! 