A feature in Sunday’s newspaper, the Summer Arts Guide, proclaims “All the movies you’ll watch this summer.” It lists a whole bunch of the new films being released in the next couple of months, and when they hit the big (or little) screens. Most of them we won’t see because, well, honestly, we’re not interested.
How can you not enjoy going to the movies, you ask? Even if it’s at home on HBO? Movies and Her Ladyship and I have grown apart in recent years. Those that the critics recommend are too often the stuff of which nightmares are made, and at my age, my bladder keeps me up enough. It’s ironic, though, as our daughter teaches film and media. There was a time when we’d have seen many of the Oscar-nominated films. Now, not so much. We did see the one with Leonardo DiCaprio last year (full disclosure – I can’t remember the title). We’ll ask our daughter about some of the others, and her typical answer is: ”it is a little weird – I’m not sure if you’d like it. Dad certainly won’t.” She’s coming home for much of June, so we’re planning to see the new “Devil Wears Prada”, because we’ve seen the first one and liked it. And we tend to enjoy anything that Meryl Streep is in. The list of favorite actors and directors grows shorter and shorter with the passing years, and as they retire to assisted living. Or we read their obituary, not realizing they’d still been alive.
There’s a new historical film with Matt Damon playing Odysseus in “The Odyssey”. We know the story, of course, and like Matt Damon. Off he goes with an army to defeat Troy, loses, and wanders for years, trying to get home. We’ve seen the Horse, depicted in a few humorous commercials over the years. There is bound to be lots of fighting. I don’t like to see fighting, or a clashing of armies. Any war film tends to turn me off. I’ve never seen “Saving Private Ryan” or “Dunkirk”, for example. In fact, the closest I’ve really ever come to World War II in detail is “Hogan’s Heroes”. Now that was a way to fight a war, although I have been compared rather unflatteringly from time to time with Colonel Klink. I didn’t see “Napoleon”, although I understand it was very good, and the period interests me, and I understand that Joaquin Phoenix was excellent – an Oscar winner. But still, just a bit too much pillaging and plundering. If I want to see that, I’ll go to Walmart on a Saturday morning.
There’s another sequel to “Toy Story” – the fifth edition. The film critic references Toy Story 4 as “lackluster”, so I’ll skip that one. Perhaps the notion of cute toys singing and dancing has run its course. A last-ditch attempt to cash in on a theme and memorable moments, and consequently its popularity, are largely well behind us. But, it’s a family franchise, so it should pull in some younger viewers on summer vacation.
You may have noticed that film producers tend to find something that sells and keep producing an endless stream until we’re crying out, ENOUGH. There’s a new Star Wars movie coming out this week. Truly, Star Wars has become the new Hundred Years War. Titled “The Mandalorian and the Grogu”. I haven’t really kept up with the any Mandalorians, and I have no idea what a “grogu” is. To be honest, I stopped watching these when Hans Solo died. Harrison Ford has aged out a bit, truth be told, like he has with Indiana Jones, but I digress. At first, I thought mandalorians were those blue people, but then it hit me that, no, those are Avatars. Too many alien creatures to remember.
There’s a new film on Netflix, described as “a misogynistic Sasha Baron Cohen [an oxymoron] wakes up in world ruled by women.” Nope, and their subscription prices are going up – they need to be a bit more selective. Another “Masters of the Universe”. Another festival of blowing things up and costumed crusaders falling from the sky. Too many flames and too much smoke for my liking, interspersed with a few actual bits of dialogue. Another “Scary Movie”. Again, a hard “no”. Comedian Nate Bergatze, who we really like, has a film out. He plays a “stay at home” dad. That’s in his wheelhouse. It probably won’t be in theatres long, if at all, so we’ll wait until it’s streaming. Yes, look at me, using real terms like “streaming”, and possibly even in the right context.
There’s an interesting film out starring Dustin Hoffman. He and Leo Woodall are piano tuners that rob houses, presumably as they’re tuning the pianos. That’s a cute premise, but I have to say they wouldn’t get much in our house except the tuning fee. Brendan Fraser plays General Eisenhower planning the D-Day invasion when weather gets in the way. There’s that pesky war theme again.
Another film stars Hugh Jackman in a Disney film, “The Death of Robin Hood”. Even the critic seems confused, so I guess this is a blip in Hugh’s otherwise stellar career. Another “hard pass”. There is another “Jackass” movie, which promises to be the “best and last”. Let’s really hope that the “last” part is a promise kept. While I fully support voting rights, I do think that anyone paying money to see any of these movies should have their names erased from the voter checklist in perpetuity. Fans are on the edges of their seats, I’m guessing, for another “Spider Man” movie. “Brand New Day”. I strongly doubt it. We rather lost interest in Spider Man an Andrew Garfield ago. Unless Tom Holland runs out of that goopy stuff he squirts out and has to walk into a 7-Eleven like a normal person, in which case, there’s no story left.
Disney has created a legend of cartoon fantasy. So why are they remaking their classics as live-action? Isn’t this like the gold mine that’s given up all its gold? Why is Disney still digging? The latest remake is “Moana”, and in full disclose, we didn’t see it, and will probably keep that streak alive. The only thing about the live-action “Little Mermaid” that I wanted to see was how long they could hold their breath underwater. That was a puzzler. There are a couple of new films for kids, which is as it should be. “The Paw Patrol” and “Minions” are back. We probably won’t see those either. Like Harrison Ford, we’ve aged out of those.
There are a couple of raunchy ones out. Sex, death, sex and death. A coming-of-age story of someone discovering their ‘feelings’. We discovered ours a long time ago, so we’ll pass on those. I don’t really want to be the creepy old man in the back of a theatre full of teenagers along with an undercover police officer or two. Then, there’s a movie that “casts Anne Hathaway in the fourth of her five movies in 2026.” As it’s described, she and her family, and their street are mysteriously transported to a place that looks overrun by dinosaurs. Really? Anne is such a good actor, so perhaps she should have stuck to just four. With that premise, I don’t think she needs to prepare an acceptance speech for next year’s Oscars.
As I review the upcoming crop of new movies, it is very doubtful that her Ladyship and I will venture to a movie theater any time soon. We’re much more likely to be home, binge-watching “Midsomer Murders” or others of our favorites on Public Television, all while waiting for the new seasons to start. And we’re quite content to rewatch a number of old friends. It’s unlikely that the major movie studios will be boosting their bottom lines from us, unless Meryl Streep goes on a tear.
I'm Thinking...No! 