Years and years of watching crime shows and murder mysteries have contributed to my semi-expertise in the field of becoming a murder victim. The honest truth is that so many make the same mistakes that have taken lives in the past. It’s a shame really that history has repeated itself, and yet, in show after show, and now, sadly, spilling over into “True Crime”, it’s happening in real life every so often.
In the interests of making this writing truly informational as well as something to read when you’re a bit bored, here are some tips that you can use to avoid becoming yet another tragic statistic, a crime that didn’t need to happen with just a few simple precautions taken.
Topping the list, of course, is a caution not to piss off everyone with whom you’ve come in contact over your entire life. We see this time and time again. The investigator asks family members, “Did he have any enemies that would wish to do him harm?” The relative shakes their head sadly and answers, “That’s a long list. I can think of any number of people who held a grudge over the years.” That certainly makes the investigation much more difficult. Or conversely, “No, everyone loved him.” Well, at least one person didn’t. Which leads me to tip number two. If you witness something falling into the category of a potential crime, particularly something that you were not intended to see, you might want to report it to law enforcement. Any number of victims don’t do that. They somehow see this as a way to turn this opportunity into a money-maker. And thus, sadly, and I’m shaking my head here, the blackmail scheme goes off-plan. It does not end well for the person that clipped letters from a magazine and sent it off.
Poisons are an increasingly popular method for doing in someone. True, the person that is poisoned is usually one that has done something unspeakable, not a casual bystander. You don’t usually see a victim staggering down the street after a drive-by poisoning. No, that’s more violent. Use of poison is meticulously planned and executed, and it can be in anything from food and drink to the pages of a book or on an envelope seal. In one spectacular episode, a victim had a habit of sticking the side arms of his glasses in his mouth, which coupled with his tendency to be really, really annoying, led to his unfortunate demise. At any point, ingesting a toxic substance can work, so if, like Dr. Sheldon Cooper, you know someone that keeps an “archenemy list”, you suspect you might be on it, and they invite you over for a “hot beverage”, take heed. It could be a trap. Another sign, as we saw in a British murder, was a person – a gardener, in fact, which is unspeakable – who had a “poisonous plants” section of her garden. With a sign to that effect, no less. I know, right? You really want to avoid the gift of a homemade poundcake from this person.
Any number of tragic crime violence happens where it should not have. An area where there have been several unsolved as yet slashings or shootings. So, someone wisely makes the decision to walk home alone, in the dark – particularly down a dark path or alley. Hearing strange noises, they make the unfortunate decision is ponder aloud, “Is anyone there?” as they continue on. My instinct, of course, would be to turn and run. But no, they keep going deeper and deeper into the alley or down – and I can never, ever understand this – the middle of the road. Nobody ever jumps to the side or behind the nearest sturdy tree. No, no. They keep going right down the middle, thus making themselves an ideal target. Here’s a tip if there is someone you need to “rub out”, as this can be a two-way street. Night time is best for a select victim or two, because the potential for being seen is less, and the chances of it being discovered immediately are significantly reduced. Your get-away time is longer. But I warn you, that’s the last tip I’ll offer to potential perpetrators.
In the event that you come home, or are visiting someone, and you find the front door open and furnishings in the front hallway upended, don’t go in to investigate on your own. Go out and call the police. Or, if you’re shy and don’t wish to be questioned endlessly, go to a secure location and wait to read or hear about it in the news. Time and time again, we’ve seen situations where the investigators and the crime scene specialists will explain, “It looks like the victim came in and surprised the perpetrators.” You really don’t want to “surprise” someone holding a really sharp knife. Particularly if it’s a well-to-do relative and you happen to be their direct heir, because suspicion will immediately fall on you. Wills and attorneys are the first places the investigating officers go. Motive-wise, they want to see “who benefits” when the wealthy, cranky old curmudgeon who lives alone is found bludgeoned to death. It’s the old “blunt force trauma”, often with a fireplace poker or that really ugly stone figure they brought back from a trip years ago. In that vein, don’t offer to stoke the fire or pick up the statuary, commenting “this is interesting”, because you’ll leave fingerprints. Seldom do perpetrators think ahead to use gloves, or when they do, they discard them thoughtlessly in the trash out back.
If you are lying in bed in the middle of the night and you hear creaking stairs outside your room, don’t call out “who’s there?” Far better to slink out of bed and crawl under it. Most criminals never think to look under the bed. It’s typically, if it’s like ours, rather dusty so be careful not to sneeze loudly. Wait until you hear the steps going back down, a door opening and closing, and then call 911. Or if you’re in Britain, where I do most of my research, 999. If you are any place else in the world, you’re on your own because I have no idea what their emergency numbers are.
On those occasions when you find yourself home alone, and you hear a strange noise outside, strongly resist the urge to go investigate. In particular, don’t go near the trees, because the perpetrator is almost always behind it. We have seen the gloved hand slowly moving the branch back for a better look at you, although sadly, they never show us the face. I could have identified a number of murderers early on if the camera operator had just used a wider angle. If
you make the unwise choice to investigate, or you find yourself alone in a cemetery after dark, you’re probably not alone. And you should know that, like the creaking stairs or the front door opening and closing, calling out “who’s there?” almost never gets response like, “Hi. It’s me, Jim.” Rather like chasing an intruder down the street and yelling “Stop!” They seldom do.
Should you find yourself driving down a back road, benignly thinking about your destination, and a powerful vehicle comes rapidly up behind you and starts gently nudging your rear bumper, chances are really good that you won’t reach that destination. Because, unless you’re a skilled racecar driver, or fully trained in evasive maneuvers, there’s a very good chance that your car will end up against a remarkably resistant tree or overturned in a ditch. You might spend those final moments figuring who it is that holds such a strong grudge, and before the airbags inflate, write their name in blood on the dashboard.
Here are some final suggestions. Don’t use your bank card late at night at an ATM unless you need bail money. There’s an excellent chance someone is watching, and waiting to gain your PIN number. In a similar vein, should you have occasion to visit a branch of your bank, and upon entering, you notice that everyone is on the floor with a masked person or two standing over them with rifles, quickly exit without drawing attention to yourself. Don’t tell the masked person or persons that you’ll only be a moment making a deposit. Chances are there isn’t a teller available. And finally, if you arrive at your apartment building and there is someone behind you that tries to slip in while the door is unlocked, give them a quick knee to the groin and lock the door behind you. Of course, if it turns out to be your neighbor, you might want to start looking for a new place of residence, because word gets around.
I hope that these tips have been helpful in preventing your untimely demise. It is important to me that these columns have informational and instructional value as well as being mildly entertaining. Staying alive requires sound judgement and sometimes lightning reflexes. Remember to be nice to everyone you meet, don’t take out loans from anyone who drives around in a long, black car with bodyguards, don’t go into the basement unless you hear water running, and stay out of cemeteries at night.
